How do i deal with my disabled mum?

Question

Hi everyone,

I am 18 years old, go to university and live with sister and my mum who has a physical disabilty, fibromyalgia. My parents are divorced and our family is not close-knit.

My mums disabilty has been going on since i was in grade 6, and unfourtunately has always, slowly but surely getting a little bit worse. Last year she stopped being able to drive a car. Now she can't even get into one and stuggles to walk. I do so much for her, like get groceries for the family, iron things, get things down ''low'' or up ''high'' for her things that are heavy (ie: more than one Kilogram!). She can't even carry more than two plates at once.

As much as i try to help, it seems my efforts are fruitless. Its emotionally hard to accept, its like i see my mum dying before my eyes. Its a slow grief. I see her suffering, she has lost friends through this. I see myself, my sister suffering and other people worry for her. I sometimes wish she was dead.

How do i deal with all this?

Answer 1

I know exactly what you're going through,my dad has suffered from fibromyalgia for ten years.My sister describes it as losing someone you love,except they haven't died.The most important thing I've learned is to grieve the loss of the person he once was,because as you know this absolutely changes a person,and to except him as he is now.

I would recommend finding a support group for the three of you to deal with this overwhelming disability.My dad was always to stubborn to try that.Also,if you have family or friends that can help your mom occasionally,so you and your sister get a break,that would probably do you some good.
I wish you so much luck with this proses.
Take care.

Answer 2

You should check and see if there is a government program that is available to send you some help in taking care of her. To be a main caregiver to someone you love is difficult, you not only feel helpless watching her deteriorate, you also feel like you are giving up a lot to help her. What you need is someone else to take over for awhile, give you and your sister a break. Ask her doctor to recommend someone.
Also, talk to her doctor about depression in the disabled. Most people go through a horrible depression when they come to realize that they can no longer do the things they enjoyed. Friends and family often desert the person, they don't mean to, but they also feel helpless that they can't make things better, so they avoid the person. This only compounds the problem, the disabled person then feels abandoned and angry. A therapist who deals with this kind of problem can be invaulable right now. See what her insurance will pay for.
You are not alone Sir. Also check and see if there is a Caregiver Support Group near you, and see what they can offer you. Also, your feelings of wishing her dead is totally normal... you don't want her to continue to suffer, and it's natural to think she'd be better off. Just don't act on it! ;-)
Good luck and I keep you and yours in my prayers.

Answer 3

Your mum loves you and raised you though all your illnesses and would has done all she could for you. Life is just reversed now. If you gave birth to a child that developed a handicap would you want it dead too? Your mum is hurting not only from her pain; but also because she knows it is messing up your dreams. Think she dose not see what is happening. I have a next door neighbor with Fybromyalgia. I can see what is happening to him. He even gave me a five page list of all the symptoms.
Maybe God has made your mum this way to help you to developed into a much more caring and strong person? Since you are wishing she was dead. You need to become one that wishes no one dead. Or you are only harming yourself.
How would you feel IF this happened to you, you lost all your friends (That can't be very good friends) and now a daughter wishes you dead? Think about it from other directions.

Answer 4

I feel for you. My wife's mother has been suffering with Multiple Sclerosis for the vast majority of her life. She was diagnosed with it about 25 years ago. In her case, the disease has progressed very slowly and she did have a few periods of remission (which only meant the disease was not moving forward since the damage done could not be reversed.).

Her mom's speech is sometimes slurred and she has more and more trouble communicating. Multiple Sclerosis is not only a disease of the nervous system it also affects memory and communication (depending on the areas of the brain that have the lesions). We have been and continue to watch her deteriorate and eventually, this disease will kill her.

Are there any support groups in your area for the families of people who have diseases like your mom? Maybe you could look on the internet and join an on-line help or support group. You are more than welcome to email my wife. She's in the same boat, just different disease. Here's her email address:

[e-mail]

Answer 5

I will give you a straight answer, I lost my mother when I was two. I consider you blessed, help her and spend time with her all you can, When she's gone you cannot replace her. I know its hard to see her suffer as I have seen my close family members suffer right up until death, after their gone though you will miss them so much it will hurt like a knife stuck thru your heart. Hold on as long as you can. Because she is irreplaceable. Good luck and hope and Pray she gets better so that she doesn't have to suffer so much. Ensure your Prayer life includes a lot of Prayers for her as their is probably no doubt she sees your pain and that hurts her in return. Having to ask for or needing help because of a disability at an early age is very difficult and hard to accept. I can't drive much anymore myself and I find it difficult to ask someone for help. I wish you and your family the Best. Spend more time in Prayer and ask God for Help.

Answer 6

Your feelings are valid, but I think it's kind of harsh to say you wish she was dead; she's your mother. If she were dead, you'd feel so guilty for even having had the thought. Maybe you can find a hospice service or some kind of long term care nurse that will be covered under her insurance that can come into the home and take care of her. That would surely take a lot of the burden off of you and your sister. God Bless you for honoring your mother and returning the love and respect that she once used to raise and nurture you when she was well and able.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry sweetie as this is quite a burden. Does she have a worker that comes in to help her and give you kids some relief? Sometimes that can help the family a whole lot. Death is a part of life, sadly that some do it more slowly than others. Contact her doctor and ask for pyschological support for you and your sister, because you really need it.

Answer 8

It is remarkable what you have done so far. I am not sure what kind of help is available. You did mention that your family is not close so that counts them out as far as helping goes.
If either of you go to a church perhaps someone from there could volunteer to give you an occasional break.
Have you heard of this? They have adult day care. My cousin used this service for her mom so she could continue to work.
If your mom has an income maybe you could sign her up to go to day care one or two days a week. It may lift her spirits to see that there are others struggling as much as she is and able to cope with it.
I am just assuming this but I picture you doing all you can for mom and her appreciation is not what it should be. Perhaps she is grouchy or bossy. My heart goes out to your family.
Please try to find a way to get a break. god bless

Answer 9

all i know is for alaska usa. but we have what is called respite workers that come in and help out families. can be as needed to a scheduled 8 hours a day. while we have found its always best for people to be home with there families we also realised families need a break too. while the help may not require the expence of a nurse comeing it its needed all the same.
let me know where u are and ill see what i can find to help u out.

Answer 10

This is an excessively unhappy predicament. The simplest factor you'll quite do is simply be there to your mum. I have a deep wound in an effort to certainly not depart after wasting my very beautiful dad. My daughter is getting married and it hurts as my dad would possibly not be there to peer her on her marriage ceremony day. With your mum you're going to simply have got to take in the future at a time. My mum is now getting slightly frail and those emotions additionally hit me oftentimes, I believe again to whilst she used to be very equipped and cell and it isn't a first-class feeling to peer any individual you like turn out to be dependant on others. It could be first-class if we might flip again the clock, however of direction we can not, it's out of our arms. With your mum the one factor you'll do is be a well help to her now she demands you. Be pleased in her presence, and check out to not exhibit your unhappiness. It is horrid to peer any individual you like pass downhill like this however it's in gods arms now, so take delivery of the enevetable with grace, I am certain she's going to constantly think your love and that's predominant now.