How do i deal with in laws who (if not hate dislike me ) on thanksgiving?

Question

Ok so here's the story... My husband and i eloped 6 months ago. I havent had contact with my inlaws since my husband and i were dating. During all 3 years off our relationship my inlaws have been very explicite about thier dislike of me and thier disaprovel of our relationship. Especially my father in law. As far as i can tell his whole family hates me for whatever reason ...my skin color, im too shy, ect. Now Thanksgiving is coming up and im expected to spend the holiday with them. Even though my inlaws have said many rude remarks to my face about my weight and my job. I would rather spend thanksgiving with my family (who is accepting) but my husband insists he wants to spend at least some thanksgiving time with his family and wants me to go. Do you think now that were married my inlaws will be nicer to me or should i get ready for some uncomfortable remarks? I am getting so tired of feeling like no matter what i do , i will never be good enough for thier son.

Answer 1

I would recommend laying a few ground rules for any holiday with his family.

1. He doesn't leave you alone unless he's going to the bathroom. If a family member calls him over he should say "WE'LL be right there", etc.

2. The moment a family member pulls out their "knives" with a dig or comment (no matter how small) he should politely but firmly let that person know that you are his wife and his partner, and when anyone insults you they are insulting BOTH of you.

3. The second comment against you is both of your politely getting your coats on and him thanking the family and once they accept you completely that you will both be happy to visit again.

While you are there you should hold his hand and smile and be polite. He should be sticking up for you if he truely loves you.

Answer 2

thats a crappy situation, i'm sorry that you have to deal with that first of all, but i would say be prepared for the uncomfortable remarks. all you can be is yourself honey, and that is plenty good enough for your husband, so screw his family. Your husband is also caught in the middle here of wanting to spend time with ALL of the people he loves at once. As long as he knows that you are going out there and being a soldier, you will earn all the points in the end. keep focused on why you are doing it and what really matters.

what i would suggest you definitely NOT do is get emotional or make a scene. the tougher you are, the classier you act, the more pride you can take in yourself that you can handle an uncomfortable situation....

in the words of Patsy Cline, stand by your man

Answer 3

Firstly, let me say how sorry I am to hear about your situation. I have been in situations that are some what similar to this but nothing quite like it. What advice I would like to impart comes from my belief that all relationships are reconcilable no matter the situation.

If I were in your situation I believe the best plan of attack would be to prepare for the worst. Think about some of the things that have been said in the past and how they made you feel. I don't think it would be overdoing it to even write down how it made you feel and how you felt when your husband suggested going to your in-laws for Thanksgiving. If you have this written down it will help in the event that the rude remarks continue. You need to confront it. This will be a turning point in your relationship with your in-laws because even if they don't like what you have to say it will show that you are not going to stand for being walk over and talked down to.
The next step would be to get your husband involved. Let him know how you felt in the past and how you are expecting him to back you up should it happen again. Role play with him how the conversation might go and some of the issues that either side might bring up.

When confronting your in-laws remember a few things.
1. Don't do it in front of a crowd/ Get them alone with your husband. - They will feel like it is more of an attack if done in/or around a group and could decided to retaliate.
2. Be Vulnerable - Tell them about how their remarks have made you feel.
3. Clear the air - Let your in-laws talk about their feelings and the reasons they have been so hostile.

There is a possibility that even after doing this things won’t change very much. Don’t let that deter you, however, because even if their actions don’t change their perception of you will and it will cause them to think twice before they say or do certain things.

I really don’t understand the intricacies of this situation so you need to be the judge of how strong of a statement you make to your in-laws. I do think it is crucial that you get your husband to back you and to stand beside you. If he isn’t standing up for you in front of his family then he needs to man up and stand up for his wife.

Blessings and best of luck!

Answer 4

Talk to your husband before hand and make some sort of plan that if the inlaws say anything rude, get up and leave. Just because you are related to them by marriage doesn't mean you should have to take rude remarks!

Answer 5

Hmm this is a tough one. Go there with love in your heart. It is hard to hate someone who is really nice. That is really mean that they put you down and insult you. Be the bigger person and go and have a good attitude. Just try to make the best of it. Come and bring something. Be fake and sit there and be nice for your husbands sake. Dont think about your not being good enough, its not you, you are good enough, its them. They have no choice but to accept you. If you do all this, and go and its still unbearable at least you were in the right and they were in the wrong. You dont have to go again if you dont want to.

Answer 6

I say you tell your husband to be a man and stand up for you to his parents! He has to cut the cord!! I would let my parents have it if they openly disrespected my guy!

If he can't do that, then tell him you are not going. If he can't see how much it hurts you for his family to say those things, then you need to give him a wake up call.

Then again, you could go and be nasty-nice right back. You know, say condesending things in an over the top sweet and innocent way. If she says something about your being shy, say "Oh, I just stay quiet because I always think before I speak. Alot of people don't care how rude and belligerent they are, obviously." They will get the hint. If your husband won't stand up for you, then you stand up for yourself.

Answer 7

sit down and have a long talk with your husband, explain that your love him and would do most any thing for him but you would not expect him to be treated that way by your family so don't feel your should have to be disrespected by his.
In the Bible it says a man puts his wife first or wife puts her husband first, then their children come next, and there parents come last. this is as it should be.
each of you should stand up for the other, you have a long life ahead of you and what happens now sets the pattern for the future.
take 2 cars to his parents and if they get out of hand just excuse yourself and let them know in a clam voice that you do not believe that you should have to take this can of treatment, but your husband is welcome to visit but your leaving. and will not be back any time soon unless your are showed the respect you deserve as his wife.
hubby should support you, let him visit them and hopefully he will make them understand that you are his wife and they need to except that.
just try your best to remain calm and cool, them them look like fools and you will feel good inside.
some people just can't look past themselves and that's just to bad.

good luck sweety

Answer 8

It's rubbish when people make you feel that way. Fingers crossed, now you're married and they can see you're both serious about each other (even tho u were before but marriage confirms it if you like) and that you're totally committed to their son they will give you a break. They're pretty pathetic if they continue to treat u like that. I would go and have Thanks Giving with hisfamily, and buy yourself a nice pair of shoes or something that you like as a reward for going! N then if they're still horrible then you don't need to go again, and if they're nice then hopefully you will all have a lovely time : D xx

Answer 9

Remember he married you! He is the important one! Try to go and be as polite ,because it is his parents! But he should speak on your behalf to his parents! They should respect his wife.That same if you were to disrespect them for no reason,he should let you know you're out of line!
Try to make it through dinner,then volunteer to do a run to the store or anything or ask to look at all the photo books in the house .So, you can have something to do,if the conversation gets to personal towards you.You can pass time,give your husband a couple of hours with his family.because when you go to your parents,you would be mad if you look over and he's looking at this watch every five minutes or looking all tight lipped, or coming up saying .It's it time to go yet?
Usually there is someone in the family you can talk with even if it's the kids.Color with them,play video games!
Hang in there, remember he's with you and you and he are family!

Answer 10

first talk to your husband...im sure he knows of how they treated you in the past...tell him you will go and be nice...but that if they start to make rude comments..that HE needs to state enough is enough..this is MY wife, i love her...and that he doesnt want anyone to disrespect you. IF your husband refuses to stick up for you , then you tell him...i love you ..but ..i will not be attending any holiday events with his family for that reason...tell him holidays are about love and being thankful for the good things that ones has. and that you wont feel loved or thankful for anything unless he puts a stop to it!!!

good luck