keeping in touch with an ex..r u ok with that?

Question

i learned long ago that my bf and his ex gf talk to each other from time to time, which didnt bother me because they live in different contininets but at the same time, makes me question if they still got love for each other and what not. i told this to my man and he said that to help me prove that he doesnt have feelings for her anymore, he would be upfront about it, like tell me all about it when she calls and what they talked about and so on and so forth. this came from him and he promised this was something he'd do, well i busted him the other day and saw that they'd talked for 1hr and half and when i asked him if they'd talk recently, he denied it so i told him that if he has to lie about it and hide it from me, then isn't as innocent as he says it is and i cant deal with that because obviously the trust issue has been broken, so as a result i ended a 4 year relationship. i am hurt but i feel they r doing wrong. how many of u keep in touch with an ex and hide it from ur bf/gf? y?

Answer 1

if they don't have kids together they need to stop. u r right about breaking it off, I would never trust him just for the fact he is lying to you now & got busted. without trust you have nothing

Answer 2

"but at the same time, makes me question if they still got love for each other and what not."

Not necessarily. I'm friends with an ex, and trust me, there is no romantic interest there at all anymore.

"when i asked him if they'd talk recently, he denied it so i told him that if he has to lie about it and hide it from me, then isn't as innocent as he says it is and i cant deal with that because obviously the trust issue has been broken"

That's a bigger issue, and yes, that IS an issue. If it's all platonic and not a problem, then there is nothing to hide and no reason to lie. Especially when he said that he would be upfront about it.

I don't know that I would have ended the relationship over it (as opposed to trying to work through it), unless there were other instances of lying or deception, but that's my $0.02.

Answer 3

It might have been a bit premature to end the relationship over it although it certainly does raise some red flags. Did he have an explanation for why he denied it?

My bf talks to his ex from time to time and we have the same deal - if they talk, the deal is that he'll tell me about it. I don't necessarily need details but I would prefer to find out from him than finding out on my own because then you're right, it does seem sketchy, like there's something to hide. He says he talks to her because they have a history and blah blah blah. I don't get it myself but I'm not gonna tell him he can't talk to her so I just deal with it until the day I think it's gone past a few casual IMs.

So maybe a trial separation from your bf is a good idea but tread carefully.

Answer 4

I keep in contact with one of my exes. He's actually one of my closet friends ever now. I have no romantic feelings for him now what so ever. When I started my current relationship I was very honest about it. He accepts it and even has hung out with him a few times. I would never hide the friendship because I wouldn't want to have to make the decision of choosing between a good friend and someone I love. I would give him another shot. It's not worth losing 4 years over. Tell him that you want to trust him and to be open about it. Get involved in their friendship by talking with her. Show him that he doesn't have to hide the friendship by not being (or at least showing) that you're jealous. Maybe that's why he wanted to hide talking to her even if there isn't anything going on. You might be showing signs of jealousy and he didn't want to deal with it. He might have thought it would have been easier to just not say anything. Yes friendship with exes can happen without anything else going on. It just takes a lot of work on their part and trust on yours.

Answer 5

My bf spoke to his ex, but he told me about it. If it happened alot and he didn't say anything, I'd get a little suspicious too. If it's just once in a while, maybe not. I think it is wrong if he hides it...is he hiding it because you give him such a hard time about it, or because you think he wants to keep a relationship going with her? If you feel like something is going on, then you know him better than we do, but if she is that far away..is there any chance she's coming back? If not, you may just have to deal with the fact they are friends...but they need to be friends openly...not just when you are not around.

Answer 6

Exes are exes for a REASON. You did the right thing. I have kept in touch with an ex before, but that was because we shared mutual friends. It's was more of a situation in which we were civil to each other in public, at parties, etc. Had I been sitting on the phone with him for an hour at a time I would have been guilty of something. Even if they were living on different continents if he is lying to you about the contact he has with her its time to cut him loose. Let him go to her continent and live with her if he wants to spend that much time on the phone with her.

Answer 7

High school is one of the most unstable times in every teenager's life. There is always some new trend or phase every school year and it makes it difficult for a teen to be accepted for who they are. Striving to be a Christian throughout these stages of your life makes it even harder to survive high school. At this point in their life, so many students become caught up in trying to be someone they are not in order to impress their peers or fit in with their friends. Others feel as if they must look a standard way because that's what their friend looks like or that's what they've seen be glorified in the media. They lose themselves to eating disorders and self-hate. Everyone has problems in high school, but many of these things can be avoided if you stay focused on being a good Christian, which will make you a good teenager. Keep God first. There are so many temptations that are going to come your way in high school. People will try to persuade you to do the wrong thing and if you're not careful you'll end up falling in to traps that will be hard to get out of. You must stay centered by keeping God first in your life by praying to Him and reading the Word. His words will encourage you when you need a little boost and when you feel completely alone. He'll guide your steps when you feel confused, which in high school, you most likely will. Also, it's good to establish a support system. Maintain strong relationships with the people in your household and figure out who your true friends are. This is a hard thing to do in high school because many people may not be who they say they are and will end up betraying you. Pray and ask God to choose your friends and don't think that you need a million. If you have one or two good friends, that's more than enough. Don't worry if you can't find out who your true friends are right away- until you do, utilize that time to get closer to God. It's also great to have a good church home. Finding the right church is also something you should seek God for. Church service will be a refresher for you when you feel empty, lost, or afraid. Dare to be different. A lot of high school students are afraid to be unique because all they want to do is blend in. Well, your plight should be precisely the opposite. It's impossible to represent Christ by being just like everyone else. The word even calls us Christians a "peculiar people" (1 Peter 2:9). Your purpose should be to win souls to Christ through the lifestyle that you display to others. Sometimes that'll mean having to be by yourself, but with God you're never alone. Eventually others will become inspired by the choices that you make and you'll realize your purpose is being fulfilled. Be a leader, not a follower. Once you begin to set an example people will know that you have boundaries and they won't try to cross them. You must carry yourself in a manner that demands respect. Hold up a standard and don't lower it for anyone's sake.

Answer 8

A person should not want to stay in contact with an ex, unless there is a child involved and both parents are actively involved in that child's LIFE. An ex is an ex for a reason. I would have a huge problem if my husband was keeping in contact with his ex's, other then his ex - wife because they do have a child together. I do not keep in contact with any of my ex's, I do not care. I do not want to know how they are doing, what they are doing and I have nothing to say to any of them. The only ex that is still in my LIFE today is the father of my 5 year old daughter, and she see's him every weekend, but if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be in my LIFE. I don't get these people that have this need or want to keep talking to their ex's. Are they over them? They broke up for a reason and to me that means, no contact, no nothing. I would be extreamly angry to find out that my husband was still talking to an ex, any of them ( besides the ex wife ). And if he kept doing it, after I told him to stop, there sure would be hell to pay.

Answer 9

I have two ex's on my msn list, and ocassionally they'll say hi, and that's about it. But like going out to dinner or a cup of coffe or even talk on the phone? Nope. I guess the little contact I have with my two exes comes mainly from education. At this point, our paths are so separated there is no point in saying "I'm not talking to you ever again" after so many years. So we are on cordial terms, we could put it that way. And trust me, if I were invited to a party by any of both, I would go, accompanied by my SO.

Answer 10

You are absolutely right to dump him. If there was nothing to hide, why is he lying about talking to her? And for a hour and 1/2? Please! You are one of the few smart women on here that stood up for yourself, not letting him play those games.
I have kept in touch with a few that were good friends before they were boyfriends, but it bothered my current boyfriend and his happiness is my priority now. I am not going to let talking to an ex mess up the good thing that I have going now. Its called respect and compromise. He is wonderful to me, he is not controlling, and he came to me to talk about something that bothered him in a calm non- demanding way. I would never do anything to hurt him, and would want the same thing if the tables were turned.

Answer 11

My husband does he hide it form me and I found out sooner or later you are always going to find and it is the same situation she is in Mexico and he is in the united states which is really hard for me I hate it and I sometimes want to kill him but they have kids together and he needs to know how there are doing it does not bother I love an do trust him but I need to accept something but you do not he has no right to talk to her and that is that end of story.