Is my husband selfish?

Question

My husband and I have been married 3 years. When we got married I already had a child from a previous relationship. We now also have a daughter together. My husband is a very busy man he is in school still and works almost full time. I work part time and try to take care of everything here at home. Since we have been together I have expressed things I would like to do to better myself or feel more complete with some sort of self expression that I enjoy. When I have gone to my husband in the past about things l would like to do he has completely blown me off telling me we don't have the money. He has continued this trend with me asking for simple things like materials for jewelry making and sewing items. I would just like to have something to do other than take care of everyone that I enjoy, since I don't have the time or the means to go back to school. But we always have money for things he wants or enjoys. Video games, concerts, cds. etc. Is he selfish. Any advise?

I try telling him how I feel but it all goes back to how he is taking care of us and MY son. Which really gets me. All he can say is he understands where I am coming from, but I need to understand where he is coming from. It doesn't get anywhere. When he has said I can buy something like beads, he goes out and buys them for me, the cheapest and ugliest you can find. It is driving me cRaZy!

When I actually do and not often by any means purchase something for myself I feel like I did something wrong.

Answer 1

You say, "we" have money for things he enjoys. Therefore, this is a simple matter of equitable distribution. Video games, concerts and CDs are definitely luxury items, not necessities. What you should do is come up with a budget you can both stick to, and make part of this budget his and hers spending money. Let's say he gets $100/month for spending money -- and so do you. You should each get the same amount as the other one every month, and each person can spend it according to his or her priorities. Take it out of the bank at the beginning of each month as cash, and when it's gone, it's gone until the next month when you get out your next allowance. This fair system is one my wife and I have been using for 20 years. I buy books and beer, while she likes eating out at her lunch times and getting makeup and such. It's completely fair, so we don't pick on each other about how we spend our own spending money.

Answer 2

I don't know if your husband is being selfish. You are still young and there is still time, I mean you guys are married. He may want you to work for a while to see how you like it, get your feet wet sort of speak before you are comfortable enough to have a baby and financially stable. You can still travel while being pregnant. I don't see travel and pregnancy as an issue, but it depends on the type of pregnancy you have. I traveled to the States in my first 2 months of pregnancy and did not enjoy it, all I wanted to do was sleep in the hotel room. I felt sick every day, it would come and go throughout the day. So, there is no guarantee that traveling while pregnant will be enjoyable for you and your partner. It is something you both need to discuss. If he says not now. Ask him to put a time limit on it. As long as you know that he does in fact want children, then you are okay. I know it is hard if you want them now. I had my first at 29. I think it was a good age. Part of me would have liked them starting at 27 or 28, but it is what it is.

Answer 3

In my opinion most men can be selfish. Women can be of course. But the man has more chance to do his own thing while the woman is at home looking after the children.

You obviously need something else in your life. Why don't you go back to night school to a sewing class or something. You would meet other ladies and perhaps finds some new friends also with the same interests as you.

If he can find the money for things like concerts then he should be about to fund a sewing machine and some materials and cotton.

Talk it over earnestly and tell him there is more to you than being a wife, mother, and cook.

Answer 4

It sounds like your husband is being controlling by not letting you do things that you enjoy. Maybe he is afraid that you will better yourself that way. Yes, he is being selifish - that is, if he says that there is no money for spending on the things that matter to you but he finds a way to buy things for his enjoyment. That is not right. You need to have a heart to heart with him and let him know that your interests matter to. If he does not respond, then you will have to consider your options. Are you in a position to get a job and make your own money to buy things that interest you? Can you get a family member to watch the kids while you take a class or join a sewing group? Do things that do not cost money - go to the local library or find a knitting group. You need to have a life outside of yourhusband's control - or you will lose your identity and that is not fair to you. Your kids and you matter.

Answer 5

Maybe he's thinking that he's the one that's working hard to support your family (even though you clearly work as well, not only in the home but outside the home!) and so he deserves to get more of the things that he wants.

My husband used to do this ALL THE TIME! He wanted me only to work part-time, and then whenever we had a disucssion about money, he would point to the fact that he worked a lot more hours than he did. Well, yeah...because that's the way HE wanted it! *LOL* So it took years, but we started an allowance system about 15 or so years ago. Wow, what a difference it's made! Things are still not 100% fair. When I go out to eat, it comes out of my allowance. When he goes out to eat, it's part of "business" and so that doesn't come out of his allowance. But you know what? I have money now that I can spend however I want whenever I want. The amount has changed over the years, but it has really controlled our spending and gives us both the option to get what we want.

On top of that, we have a List of Wants. There are things that we both want, obviously. They go on lists and then he gets something for a certain amount of money, and then I get that same amount of money allotted to me. We only go off the list so that at all times we can keep in mind what we're working towards. It can't just be like a WalMart Shopping Spree or something like that--it must be something concrete.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

Yes, your husband is being selfish. The reason why he tells you no, no money, is because if you spend the money on what you want, he won't get what he feels entitled to. As the full time student and primary provider of the family, he feels it's his money, he can do what he wants with it and you should be grateful and be happy with what you have, being a mom, working and taking care of the kids and him.

It won't change unless he realizes how selfish this is.

I don't know how to advise you, because I was married to someone like that and he didn't listen when I tried to speak from a different, non threatening way, 18 years later, we are divorced with 3 kids.

It's up to you.

Answer 7

He is selfish but likely feels threatened by you desire to better yourself. Talk to him aobut it and point out that doing something good would benefit you and your relationship. point out new skills such as sewing and jewellery not only make you happy but could lead to you making some extra money through home based work and making you own things instead of buying them.

Also don't let him stop you purising what you want. Go online and research what you enjoy, join user groups and maybe look to meet up with anyone near to you. Tell him you need some time for yourself and that he should support you like you support him.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Yes..I have a suggestion....use your own money to buy the little things you need. If he is controlling the money, paying bills and all, this may be a real challenge but you MUST take responsibility for your own happiness. You can not get blood from a turnip. BY the way..this has nothing to do with your children.

Answer 9

He is... but he may not know it... I say make a list of items spent in the last month or so. Tell him what you've told us and then show him that while you want to do things and he says there isn't any money, show him the list of items spent... That way you have a valid point of him spending on himself. Good luck!

Answer 10

NO it sounds like he is taking good care of you and you need to appreciate him more , or your gonna lose him

First off, video games help men wind down,
and relax, release stress,

When he says he has no money, HE HAS NO MONEY, he is a student, a father, and husband, and a GOOD provider

Jewelry making is a HOBBY
and so is Sewing NOT a necessity

You can get items from www.freecycle.org
or Craigslist for free

You really can't expect him to do everything,
and give you la vida loca

I think him saying NO is just a nice way of saying NO
and when you continue to push it mostlikely frustrates him

I know it would annoy me,

So I suggest you spend more time on Making your own dreams come true, instead of asking him to make your dreams come true.

Hope you get my meaning

Good luck

Meg