Wife cheated?

Question

I found out that my wife cheated on me. She told me because she felt like she didnt have a friend in me. Well, there has to be more than that. But it is all so new still so I am sure more will be coming out.
She said she only slept with him once. But once or 100 times, it's all the same. She said she was sorry, and I do forgive her. I think I want to work it out but I am not sure how. How/can I trust her again? I want to so much. Im just really confused and hurt. I just dont know what to do or where to start.

Answer 1

There IS more to it than that, however, you are still in the shock stage, you're confused, hurt, angry, all jumbled up emotions going at the same time. I have something that might help you right now, just insert your wife in the male role:

9 Keys to Moving Beyond the Pain of an Extramarital Affair
by Anne Bercht

I remember everything about my husband’s extramarital affair. I will never forget it, and neither will anyone else who’s been through it. It is not possible to forget something as significant as the betrayal of the one you love the most in the world. However, when I remember, I no longer have pain associated with the memory. This is a sign of true healing. How did I get there?



1. I got here by facing the issue head on, not attempting to shove it under the rug and pretend it isn’t really bothering me. I didn’t try to bury it, “forgive and forget,” “just suck it up and get over it.” These things don’t work when it comes to healing from extramarital affairs. Trying to just forget about it and move on would be like breaking your leg, and not bothering to go to the hospital to have it set and a cast put on. If you did not take the proper steps to heal a broken leg, your leg would never heal properly, you would always have pain, and you’d likely never be able to walk again. Emotional pain is no different. It must be treated.



2. I healed by learning about the affair and extramarital affairs in general, by coming to understand the truth. “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” I healed by getting answers to my questions, by learning to understand that I did not cause my husband to have an affair. It was the weaknesses in his character that allowed him to get to this place. I am not at fault for something, when I had no opportunity to participate in the decision of whether or not it was going to happen. Sure we took a look at our marriage, and I found things I could’ve done better as a wife (and there is not a wife out there with a faithful husband who couldn’t also find things she could do better too). My imperfections as a human being and as a wife did not force my husband to have an affair. There are healthy ways to deal with problems in a marriage. Having an extramarital affair is not the answer. My husband tells me today, that even if I’d been a perfect wife, he still would’ve had an extramarital affair, because he says, the affair had absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with his weaknesses, what he didn’t know and the choices he made. (Note! He did not say that right after his affair. It was a process and took time for him to see this.)



Note! Healing from the pain and reconciling a marriage are two different things!



In order for our marriage to be healed, my husband had to be willing to answer my questions and be completely open and honest with me. If he’d been unwilling and insisted that we never discuss his extramarital affair, we would’ve missed out on the amazing marriage and passion we have together today. I still would’ve healed myself, but reconciliation would not have been possible.



3. I overcame the pain, by seeing the extramarital affair for what it really was and putting it in context of the grand scheme of things in the world. I was not part of the “unfortunate few” who had something wrong with them. Many, many, (if not most) spouses are betrayed by the ones they love at some time. It’s sad, but true. And many people have other pain in their lives, like losing loved ones, dealing with chronic illnesses, problems with abuse and addictions of loved ones. No person is exempt from pain and suffering in this world. The good news is if we look for solutions, we can overcome our problems and challenges.



It was also helpful to put it in context of our marriage as a whole. Peggy Vaughan had 7 years of pain where her husband had extramarital affairs. Had she divorced him over it, she would’ve missed out on the other 43 years of living with the man she really loves. My husband’s affair was only 2 months long. If I’m fortunate enough to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary one day, "Am I really going to allow 2 months to ruin a lifetime?"



4. I overcame the pain by working on myself, embarking on a journey of personal growth, finding purpose, meaning and fulfillment for my life that takes me beyond the problem, by living my life for something greater than myself. I allowed my crisis to make me a better person and to spur me on to take more risks, forget about what other people think, and start reaching my full potential as a person.



5. I overcame my pain by helping others. This gives meaning to my pain. With the same comfort I have received I now can comfort others. Knowing first hand how incredibly painful extramarital affairs are, I like being able to help others. I especially love it when we see amazing successes. You can help others by starting a Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) support group in your area, or volunteering to help with one that already exists.



6. I overcame the pain by giving myself time, and giving myself permission to feel all of the necessary emotions, especially the sadness, anger and grieving of my loss. Some people believe negative emotions are bad. When expressed in their proper context, they are not. Allowing yourself to “feel” these emotions helps you to heal. When necessary, sadness and anger are good for you, because they help you to process pain. We all wish there was a short cut, but there’s not. Everything of real value in life requires you to pay a price, not always in dollars and cents, but sometimes a part of your life.



7. I overcame my pain by sharing my story. It is important to avoid suffering in isolation. You cannot and should not carry this burden alone. Every time I shared my story my pain diminished, until I just didn’t feel the pain anymore.



8. I overcame my pain through persistence and determination, a will that said, "I will not have anything less than healing from this pain." I will not allow my negative past to define my future. I did not become a lesser individual because this has happened to me. I read books, I got counseling and I attended healing seminars with a tenacity that said, “I will heal.”



9. Perhaps most importantly I moved beyond the pain, because I believed it was possible.



“The only thing that stands between a person and what they want from life is the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.” – Richard M. DeVos



When we appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show with 5 other couples in May 2005, the producers said to us, “Anne, we know you’re healed, but for the sake of our audience could you try and go back and relive those emotions,” so I did my best. But really I just wanted to jump up and down and shout, “Yeah! I’m on the Oprah show!” There were other couples who were more years beyond the affair and yet clearly not moved beyond the pain. This is why it’s worth whatever it takes to heal, and if it takes the expense of a healing seminar and some travel, it’s really a small price to pay for a future of happiness, healing and passion in your marriage.


Good luck, buddy.

Answer 2

Man do I know this feeling all to well. I'm going to tell you what I'm doing because I can't really advise someone to do something if I dont know what I'm doing is going to work. First and fore most, my first action was to sit down and really think things through, by your self (not at a bar, not around all your friends, not talking it through with family).

Will you ever be able to look at her the same without thinking about what she did to you? If not, you'll never be able to get past the fact of what she did. You'll never be able to get back an once of the trust you once had in her (I'm willing to accept the fact that I'll never be able to trust my wife like I once had, and when I sat her down and talked to her, I let her know that. She was willing to accept that fact.).

Has she changed from the women you married, is she a different person now? What I mean by this, are you still compatible together? If she's changed, maybe thats the reason she did it in the first place. Maybe she was looking for someone more compatible, but once she realized what she could've lost, she's having second thoughts. My point here is that if your two different people now, she might go out and do it again.

Are there any other factors to the situation? Kids being the main issue, I have a daughter, and I thought these questions to my self, and one of the biggest factors in me giving it another shot was my daughter. If there's a child involved, and there's anyway that a kid can have two loving parents together, than seperate, thats what they should have. It's not the kids fault any of this happened. So with that being said, it's worth another shot in my eyes just to see if it will work. If it doesn't work, I can honestly tell my daughter down the road (when she's in her teens), that I really gave it another shot, and her mother screwed it up, not I.

Anwser those questions to your self, and then sit down and talk to your wife. See what the real issue is. If the real issue is the fact that she didn't feel like you were her "best friend", ask her how it got like that. Ask her why she didn't feel she could come to you like she once had been able to (I'm assuming this is the case). Ask her if she can honestly say it wont happen again. Tell her how it feels to know the one you love was messing around. Ask her what she would do if she were in your shoes (don't go out and cheat on her, it will really only make things worse). Tell her to mentally picture everything, and think to her self how it would feel. Last but not least, ask her if she really thinks she deserves you. Look for her reaction. If she's hasty and think she knows she deserves you, think again, she's got some other problems. If she looks at you and truely says she's not sure, but wish's you two could be what you once we're, then she's probably sincer.

I wish I could help more, but thats about where I'm at, and I'm looking to see if it's going to work my self.

Answer 3

So you said " I found out that my wife cheated on me." So in other words your wife is not the one that initially told you, correct? Well to me then this tells a story of it's own You would have never know if someone else besides your wife did not tell you. Now to me you do not only have a cheating wife, but she also is manipulative and she is not an honest, trusting person at all. She let you live a lie until you found out on your own! She is not sorry until she got caught! Really, you should think about all that she has done to your heart. Why would you want sloppy left overs all the time when you can have a fresh main meal with desert by finding a real woman to be true to you. Kick her to the curb! I know you must love her, but honey she did/does not love you to have slept with another man/men. I promise that she will and has probably done it more that 1 other time. You will not ever be able to trust her again. Do you want to worry every time she walks out of the door if she is going to have another man in the bed today? Do you really want to think about this in the bedroom while making love to her all the time? You do, and you always will!
So she feels you wasn't her friend. Come on, she is just trying to throw the guilt trip over to you and make it all your fault and it is working so far! Dear you are letting her get by with it too. Think, think, think!! She is a sorry example for a wife and I am sorry to say it but you must be pretty meek yourself to believe her. Wake up and smell the coffee. I am not a young one, 44 in a few days. I have been through a lot in my life time and this is something that I went through years ago with my ex-husband. Now I have been Remarried for 13 years to my soul mate and I have the best marriage I could have ever asked for. So I am living proof that the grass is greener on the other side. I just have to help by keeping it watered. Best of luck to you. I hope you find you another wife that you can trust for the rest of your life....

Answer 4

It's hard but it can be done. You have to start with having a heart to heart with her. She needs to be open and honest with you about the affair and why she did it. Then there has to be ground rules. Trust is something that will have to be built back. There is going to be a period of time where she's going to have to let you know every move she makes, she'll just have to deal with it. After a while the trust comes back, you can forgive but forgetting doesn't happen. It's not something that you can throw up in her face on down the line when you have an argument. I have been cheated on and these were somethings me and my husband did and it worked for us. In all honestly after several years past, our marriage was better than before. Everyone is different and you two need to figure out what your ground rules will be.

Answer 5

You might want to consider couple's therapy, not only would that reestablish your trust, but it'd also help you guys create more communication and more of a friendship so this doesn't happen again.

If you cannot afford therapy, or you just don't want to go therapy, you only have two more options:

You can just try to trust her the best you can and hope for the best.. Which, would take a LOT of effort from the both of you, and it might be a little emotionally straining, but it's possible.

Or you can leave her.

Cheating happens when one lover is unsatisfied with the other, whether it be emotionally or physically, and often instead of communicating with their lover, they make a drastic move to find someone else who can satisfy their needs. If she cannot communicate with you now, and you guys can't create a level of trust, harmony, and friendship, your marriage cannot work, and it would be better for you to end it then to try to fix something that's impossible to fix.

You can get through anything, it's just a matter how you go through it, and what your choice is, all I have to say is good luck, and I wish nothing but the best for both of you. :)

Answer 6

start by doing things different:

be more patient, more sweeter, more thought full: in other words work on being a better husband your self (I am not saying your not a good one, but think of ways you can improve your self).

Forgiving also means forgetting so give your marriage all you got, but always stay aware of the things that happen and go on, and understand that things can happen again.

If your religious start going to church with your wife and do things together for God. If you are not religious give a Christian church a try for a lot of times it takes a bigger believe that someone is watching you so that you can keep your self pure (it's up to you ).

If she is real serious she will be faith-full to you, but if she is not and cheats on you again then you may need to also start looking for someone else. It all the matter of waiting to see what happens (is she going to cheat again or not), but it doesn't hurt giving it another try.

Good luck to you

Answer 7

First you should try to fix the cause of her cheating-maybe see a marriage counsler. You will probably be suspicious of her for quite some time. Even though you forgive her, trusting her will not be easy. You need to find out why she didnt come to you with her issues with your marriage, instead of cheating. The best place to start would be a counsler. Even for just a few visits so you can get a perspective from someone not emotionally involved with you and your wife. Good Luck

Answer 8

I think that the fact that she confessed to you herself, does show that she does want to be honest with you, that she truly regrets it and doesn't like lying to you, probably because she loves you and can't live with what she's done.
So, I think that it's great that the two of you want to work it out.

It'll take time obviously.
She hurt you, and although telling you was the right thing to do, it does make you see her differently from the wife you thought you knew well.

You must try and communicate more with her.
It's not because she went elsewhere to get what she wanted from you that it means that you're to blame and have to try and answer her every need.
SHE is the one responsible for not talking to you and tell you how she felt, what she needed.
Even if, you are also responsible to listen to your mrs, not just to what she says, but what she doesn't as well.

It's commun to have to get close to lose what we have, to realize how much we actually don't want to. How much we love our other half.

Besides trying together, you should also try marriage counselling, it may help both of you come to term with what happens.
Good luck.

What you need to look at, is the greater picture, what you two have worked so hard to achieve.
xxx

Answer 9

Dear Friend,
It is ow some that you want to forgive her unfaithfulness. Honey if she did it once, she is going to do it again. Cut your loses and move forward. Think of it this way, had you done this to her, would she still be sticking around, I don't think so. Your marriage and you mean nothing to her, that is why she pulled this stupid stunt. If a wife can't find a friend in her husband, than why did she marry him in the first place? Please tell me that this was an arranged marriage, and for that reason, she does not see a friend in her husband who she has taken wedding vows with? If this was a love marriage, than during that love, a friendship must have formed for it to go further into marriage? Forget her, you deserve better. This is strictly my opinion. Good Luck.

Answer 10

You are still in shock right now and hurting. Doubt she only slept with him once; they always say that, but it really doesn't matter. Now as to her - she must vow to never ever again have contact with this man. She must 'come clean' about it and answer as many questions as you have, honestly. She must be ready to take the words that spout out of your mouth from the anger, hurt and heartach you are feeling. And, she must do everything she can to assure you that it will never happen again; that she loves and cherishes your marriage.

How you deal with it? By not keeping your feelings bottled up inside; by being honest about what you are going through. By forgiving and starting your relationship - from this day forward. You can't change the past but you and she are in control of your future. It will take you time, but if you two turn toward each other instead of away, you will be able to get past this. Remember this, anything worth having is worth fighting for. If you two value your marriage - then fight to make it. She has learned a hard lesson; to go to you if she ever feels something lacking and let you know about it - and you need to listen when she does. You won't forget and it will take much time to trust her again, but it will happen.

Please go to this site; there are many men who are going through or have been through what you are experiencing right now. They will give you great advise and support. www.marriagebuilders.com Please don't give up on the time you two have spent together. She was stupid and foolish and it had nothing to do with you. Anything she says is just an excuse as she had you there to turn to, but when spouses cheat, they can't just blurt out - well I wanted something different and new and exciting in my life. They know the truth would hurt too much. She will realize how hard it is to live with what she is putting you through and will learn a huge, huge lesson in life.

Answer 11

She screwed up and needs to pay for her crimes. You can forgive her, but don't let her escape punishment so easily. If you do, she will lose respect for you and cheat again. You need to have some long talks and find out why she cheated. Whatever issue(s) she says will need to be addressed and agreed to work on.

And you will NEVER be able to fully trust her again. There will always be that tiny bit of doubt in your mind. You cannot expect things to be the same as they were before. She cheated, so therefore your relationship changes.

Personally, I would drop her if I were you. If you and your partner want to fool around with other people, then that's something to discuss before it happens on accident. If you and your partner want to be in a relationship with no other partners, then there needs to be trust that is never violated. If she cannot handle the responsibility, there are other women who can. Go find one of them.