Should I stay or should I go?? Lack of intimacy ruining our relationship...?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now…after about 1 year we stopped being as “intimate” as we had been…and it just continued to decline. Its not for a lack of trying new things…we have…but for me its almost like being “intimate” with a really good friend.

I love him (there’s no doubt about that) and he treats me really good. He is always trying to do things to better himself and set us up to have a family. And I know that is a rare find…but I just can’t bring myself to do “anything” with him…

Sometimes there is a month or more in between. I don’t know if its that I’m not attracted to him, or if my drive is just gone…but how do I find that out without being with someone else??

I’m so confused…is lack of s** enough to end a relationship that is perfect otherwise? How do I figure out if its me, or him??

He is not satisfied...he is always asking about it, and I am always dodging it. I've tried explaining how I feel...but he just gets so depressed...so I try not to say anything at all...

Yes, I've talked to him...yes it takes two...like I said we've talked and we've tried...but my feelings don't change...it just feels "weird" to do intimate things with him...

I am not bored...the feeling...the drive...the NEED and WANT to be with him are NOT there...and no worries...children are nowhere in sight. As for our ages...I am almost 23 and he is 27...

Answer 1

30 yrs of marriage here and let me tell u this all relationships at times will turn this way and u seem more like brothers n sisters instead of hun n wife imagine if u were married and had kids to attend to too!!!!!well the gushier loveie lovieee feeling will never ever last

Answer 2

Like you say he is like a good friend and that kills passion. For some strange reason it is the 'bad guys' that stir us up sexually and not the 'nice ones'. I dont know how old you are but you may need to experience more in life before you are ready to appreciate the good qualities in a partner that make him ideal for settling down and having a family with. When you are ready for this you will be turned on by the very things that now turn you off. I married a nice guy young and left him after 2 years to travel the world and have many experiences and I met many guys, some definitely not the marrying kind, but I had a fantastic time and learnt a lot along the way. It made me appreciate what I have with my partner now but I didnt settle down until I was 36 and had a baby when I was 38, this was right for me and I know it gave me the best of all worlds. I think you need to assess what you want at this time in your life and maybe a nice secure and settled relationship is not right for you now. Think carefully because good sex with the right person is wonderful and it is an important part of a relationship and the relationship is not perfect if this element is missing.

Answer 3

Well maybe you should go to counseling with each other. Does he know how you feel? You should talk to each other. Does he do things a boyfriend normally does?Like bring flowers once in awhile? I know this may sound weird but have you ever thought of role play? Try acting out each others fantasy's. I'm not really to sure on how to handle this one. I've always had a high sex drive. However a friend of mine was starting to get board with her other half after a few years, they started doing role play and things got better. They would go as far as meeting up at a bar act like they were meeting for the first time and go from there.

Answer 4

You do, too, know if you are not attracted to him anymore.
Go to a doctor, and see if you are physically ok. Then counselling. Talk to professionals who has heard your situation before.
If it is not worth it to you to do that, get out.
It is common for the spark to dim after a year or two, called the"Honeymoon phase." Then the part where you have to WORK at your relationship starts. It is not a walk in the park, it is a love relationship! It is the next 50 years in the making.
I think you should talk about the next step-either to move on or get engaged and married( set a date.) If you don't want to marry him or have his babies-or for him to be your children's father-then get out.
If you do, and everythign is perfect except the sex, then drag him kicking and screaming to couple's counselling.
My feeling is everything is not ok-or you would be able to TELL HIM your feelings and work on it together. It would be something BOTH of you would care about, and want to fix, for your long-term future. He would not be satifsfied with once a month unless he is getting some somewhere else.(Usually.)
If you are not intimate-physically or emotionally-why are you there? That is the whole point of being with someone-not just to have them support you and feed your future kids.

Answer 5

That's hard. Depending on your age - sex can be very important. We're only human, and part of an intimate relationship is sex - fortunately and unfortunately - it is sometimes our first interest in the other.

For myself, I used to like "bad boys." There was something exciting and virile about them. Fortunately I have grown older and I have grown out of this for the most part (smiles). Sometimes we have to experience what we don't like before we know for sure what it is we do like/want/need in a partner. Also, I have to consider what I have to bring to the table - am I all that want my partner to be?...

He sounds like a "good man." Whatever you do, treat him with the same honesty and respect you'd like to be treated with. There's no reason to stay with someone who you're not intimately attracted to (would you want a man to stay with you knowing he wasn't in the mood for the most part?). You can't help the way you feel, but you can help how you conduct yourself during this process. Wishing you clarity...

Take a lifestyle inventory - antidepressants and some meds cause a lack of "drive." Also, unresolved issues that can be talked over with a professional can also be helpful b/c they don't know you and you can bare your soul.

Best of luck.

Answer 6

Lack of intimacy is not proper to ruin the relationship.
Relationship is made for helping each other during the time of need. Its not the sex that's matter. Its the love and understanding that's matter. After all at certain age you cannot intimate that does not means that you are going to separate. So now do not get confuse and do not go for someone else.

Answer 7

sex isn't everything sweetie. usually with relationships after about the first year some lose there drive because they feel that they don't need to have it as often to keep the other party satisfied. they figure they already have you satisfied. I have been married for 4 years and been with my spouse for 18 and I am lucky to even get it once or twice a month. you don't have to have intimacy to have a good relationship but to break up over intimacy is stupid. if you have a good thing (which sound to me like you do) you better keep it. they are hard to find. sex isn't everything.

Answer 8

If your feelings have changed so much for him perhaps this isn't the relationship for you. If you love him but are no longer 'in love' with him maybe you need to move on. Cheating isn't the answer, from what you say he doesn't deserve that and it won't actually solve anything. Maybe your boyfriend feels similar and doesn't want to say anything in case he upsets you, best thing to do is try to talk about it.

Answer 9

Sounds as if the relationship has run its course.
You say he is doing everything to set you up as a family. Please do not have children!!!

Sex is not the be all or end all but it sounds as if you are living as brother and sister. Can you see yourself being in this situation for the next 30 years or so. If not, there is your answer. Learning about yourself in relationships can be cruel; but it has to be done. When you meet the right person for you in the future you will be 100% certain.

Answer 10

This can only get worse. You've lost your desire for him, and your relationship is more like a friendship. If you can't rekindle it, it's time to move on. You love him, but are you in love with him? Two very different things. Perhaps you two can take a vacation and get to know each other again... but you need to do something - do not cheat on him. Just know that if you end it, you might not get another chance with him.