Aruggggggg, like to have a look at what I've been writing?

Question

(I met a photographer online and this is about one of his pictures, I'll be getting links up on all my sites soon kk?)

"Street Dancers"


They are
night watchers,
night stalkers,
private cincos of the streets

They roam alone
unless
you own
rhythmic notices to beat

Watchin’ in awe
n’er
seein’ flaws
under collars sweatin’ heat

Just baskin’
total
relaxin’
to these dancer on the street



(Two of Suzannes challenges for me)

Should I open this box?

Arriving home, upon my doorstep
was a package from nowhere
A tightly ribboned, black wrapped box
dolled up with upmost care
A silver tag nestled under the bow
simply read “607 South Knox”
With chin in hand, I pondered again,
should I open this box?

Here's what I'd say to you if there were no consequences.

Here’s what I’d say to you if, there were no consequences
I love you so
I hate you too
sometimes you’re just a menace!
I swear if, there were no consequences, I’d like to say to you
You make me happy
You make me sad
Is there nothing you won’t do!?
And if there were no consequences and I let this all slip out
I think of you
cause you’re my friend
I’ve never held a doubt
but,
Sometimes you’re a menace!
And I hate
(and love you too)
That’s that I’d say if there were no consequences
(well, maybe not in front of you)

Oops "dancer should've been "dancers" LOL

Pic for "Street Dancers" http://www.flickr.com/photos/darlg566/1392278796/

Allegiant Pessimist *^_^* I truly enjoyed your candor my friend (silly)

Thank you so much for the feedback Austin *^_^*

Answer 1

ummm... I don't really like dancers on the street. I can't really understand the last 2 stanzas. It needs more ebb and flow in the rhythm.

Should I open this box? was okay. It seems that you have a more narrative talent than poetic. You should try it out. Write short stories and if you like it go for it, otherwise spoken word poetry may be better for you...

Answer 2

The beginning is pretty good the first stanza. You do not explore the "street dancer's" inner thoughts and feelings. You have something good started, you need to fix the last half though.

Explore the hardships of their lives, how they separate theirselves from a world that they hate, how they will love you for as long as you can afford, but once your time is up, you mean nothing to her.

You have the right idea with you look at her in awe but she sees only sees her own flaws... Insinuate that she was once so pure but now she is tainted by desparation, or drug addiction, or whatever you want.



I realize that you probably dont know anything about hookers. I am not a hooker, but I am a stripper, so, I do feel somewhat same emotions as they do, but i am sure their emotions are much stronger, because they are actually having sex with these guys..........But I do understand the separation of yourself from reality and how it feels to be in that situation

So i would suggest getting deeper into what you are writing about. You definatly have the right idea though, exploring a subculture that people quickly stereotype before they even know anything about them.



PS If the box in the second poem is symbolic for the fact that things arent always what they seem, then good job on that one.

- I hope that isnt really your address, cause it sounds like you have a child molestor photographer after you, and you seem young from the way you write, so PLEASE do not meet him in person. Remember your box poem.. nothing is what it seems..... be smarter than those who try to decieve you..... I dont want to hear about a girl getting raped and tortured on the news.

Answer 3

I only wish I had the energy of the street dancers. We have some here in Atlanta, and they will dance around all day advertising anything you will pay to have seen. It takes a special person to do that, and a special person to write a poem about them.

As for the box........
Go ahead and open it, it may be a fresh black rose, and you don't want to have it wilt.

Answer 4

Should I open this box? was okay... just wasn't too exciting to me.

I really liked Street Dancers though. It almost rushes along, and it's just really interesting. Cool. =)

Answer 5

I saw the picture
of these walkers
and these look like
night crawlers.
They are also stalkers
These people don't look like
they have a future.
They spend their time out on the street.
Although these people look like they
could dance.
So its hard to determine what these people
do.

Answer 6

Interesting tune. I simply desire subsequent time Miley will make greater offerings. I were so bummed approximately the latest inexperienced bra and undies web snap shots greater than the Vanity Fair shot(s).

Answer 7

Is there anything you can't write about Shad...your poetic genius is frustrating to the struggling writer...in the best possible way though my friend :) ---Jaimee

Answer 8

good 1 but b carefull the box might hav something unusual in it !l