Details: 6 years, 1 dog, shared car lease, apartment lease, bank accounts, debt, credit cards, future plans, past experiences, baggage, he doesn't want a relationship, but wants a friendship, complains we argued too much, and no more intimacy. I've also found out recently he may have been seeing someone casually right before that ended (though that relationship went nowhere).
Situation now: moving out to a room this weekend, I'm keeping the dog and most of the furniture (he gets the big screen TV), we're splitting our debt,and most bank accounts, he gets the car, will be paying for it, and he's paying his 1/2 of the apt 'til end of Jan, when I will either move out or go to Australia to complete my Masters.
-How do I maintain a friendship with him with all my hurt feelings and baggage?
-I've found out stuff about him (and that relationship) that I wouldn't have otherwise known if I hadn't snooped. Should I fess up?
-How do I get through this and become happy again and not mad at him?
2007-11-06 02:51:29 · 17 answers · asked by S-A 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I do want to be friends though, because I still care for him and love him (as he does me). It's a lot to throw away. Can anything be salvaged?
2007-11-06 03:04:52 · update #1
The reason I do want to maintain a friendship is two-fold. I'm used to having him around, and there have been a lot of great experiences we've had. And then, he's also a great guy.
The thing is, he says that it'd be more of a disservice to both of us if he hadn't ended it, because we'd both be unhappy. I'm just unhappy that he didn't say anything beforehand, so that I could've worked on making things better...
2007-11-06 03:30:14 · update #2
I want to add that while we were together, he never cheated. It's just the last week, I guess he was attracted to someone else, or lonely, or confused...I know (from snooping) they only made out a bit, nothing much else, and it was either right before (a few days) he told me or shortly after.
2007-11-06 03:48:19 · update #3
there's no way to really get rid of the feelings. we're human and unless you're a complete sociopath, feelings are unavoidable. as you move on in your life and find solace in friends and your next boyfriend, those feelings will dwindle. i'm not saying it'll be easy. i'm at a crossroad and almost in your same situation. i've no evidence of cheating though.
basically, you'll have to confront him about the secret relationship but can you trust his answer? it's really going to waste a lot of time - just start accepting in your mind to move on and get on w/ your life.
to get thru this, you'll have to choose to be happy. basically, you can control your outlook and nobody else. if you really think about it and be honest, when you walk into a room looking for sympathy, isn't that what you get? now think when you walked into rooms before and you're were happy, what did you get? maybe everybody in the room didn't return your happiness but you probably got some degree of that happiness if you chose to look positive.
look at it this way .... you are starting w/ a clean slate and you can paint the picture anyway you want.
to maintain a relationship w/ him after the split will be hard. i'd keep it to business only. send a card for the holiday (w/ a picture of you & your new boyfriend).
2007-11-06 03:10:16 · answer #1 · answered by csyniqal 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand feeling hurt and upset over this. Not to sound mean, but when long term relationships end, we all feel that way.
I really don't think you want to maintain a friendship with this person, not if you found out things about them after the relationship ended.
You will be going to Australia in January. Enjoy yourself while you are there. Have fun and meet new people.
And the best part is that you get the dog. Good luck to you.
2007-11-06 02:58:34 · answer #2 · answered by jennyღ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all you don't need a friendship with him. You don't need to fess up. Just comfort yourself with the thought that he wasn't the kind of person YOU would want a relationship with if he could cheat on you. Even if it was casual it was cheating.
I think you should go to Australia. It will be the perfect new start. You can leave your baggage here in the states.
2007-11-06 03:07:55 · answer #3 · answered by fullofsugaw 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be friends, but just not for now. For you to be able to move on you will need to recover from the pain that came from the break up. Seeing him or talking to him during this time will only prolong your recovery. One day, when you have moved on, then you and him can think of being casual friends, keeping in touch once in a while to see how things are going. I do wish you all the best.
2007-11-06 03:09:46 · answer #4 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not hope for miracles. he got away apparently with quite abit while the two of you were together.. and if you go back together probably that same behaviour will be repeated.
Look at what went on squarely in the light of reality. He cheated. He does not want to be your firend and does not consider himself one.
No need for anger over this. Just sigh and find new real friends and do not bring up his name ever again. The faster you let this episode pass away from your thoughts..the faster it will fade.
You have learned alot about yourself, including it seems that you are willing to allow others to walk all over you. It really is ok to let him go and never repeat this again.
2007-11-06 03:33:33 · answer #5 · answered by Lisa of America 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've found that the easiest way to get over someone is to stay busy and keep reminding yourself of the bad things and why the relationship ended. It's very easy to sit at home and think of all of the good times. Just keep reminding yourself of all the bad times and that you will find someone new and better.
2007-11-06 03:03:12 · answer #6 · answered by bambam 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And I was feeling sorry for myself. I have just gone through a separation about to divorce and its just plain misery at the beginning is the shock more than anything and fear of the unknown and being on your own. Believe me things get better in time, you might have to go through anger and all sorts of other emotions its normal, its a grief period.. you lost something but with that loss comes other things.. new opportuities and exciting possibilties.. live goes on.
2007-11-06 02:57:56 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
why do you need to maintain a relationship with him? he left you... you don't NEED him to do anything... if after 6 years he's not happy then you should try your best and move on... you say your going to Australia then that should be great for you... new country new people... fresh start... why should you disclose any info that you found out about him? you do not owe him anything right now, especially now... walk away with your head high and try to be happy
2007-11-06 03:03:32 · answer #8 · answered by antoinette m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How can you be friends with someone who may have been
seeing someone else while with you. Do you trust this guy?
Personally being friends after relationship becomes complicated and people pop in and out. I would cut the cord slowly and move on with your life.
2007-11-06 03:27:36 · answer #9 · answered by ensoman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He probably left for the affair with the other woman exclusively. Which means when his fun is over he will be heading back home and begging for forgiveness. Don't give it to him. Instead- hook up with one of his buddies and have some fun yourself! Then ditch the ex AND the buddy and start your life over!
2007-11-06 03:00:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋