should i stay?

Question

i got remarried in 2001 to what i thought was the perfect man. after 3 yrs stopped kissing me and telling me that he loved me. Then started find lots of porn on his computer. This summer he expressed that he wanted kids of his own. i have 2 kids from lst marriage. i cant have anymore kids and he knew this when we married. was in the middle of trying to work this problem out when he recently became disabled. i don't want to leave him with out someone to care for him but now it seems that we are both very unhappy. we don't have intimate contact anymore and rarely talk. im very loney, and guilty. just because he wasn't taking our vows as seiously as me do i leave or stay now that he needs someone. but the fact remains that he wants kids of his own, and sometimes i feel that he stays with me because he is afraid now that he is disabled no one else would want him. please only serious advice. and it is okay to be totally honest. i really need the advice.

Answer 1

You both need to sit down and talk. Really talk about everything. no holding back, put your cards on the table. you should never stay with someone just because you feel guilty about leaving. Your happiness is important too.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry to hear the plight you're going through. Marriage is hard enough, without having to deal with a disability. My opinion is that marriage is for better or WORSE. You are definetly on the "worse" side of it. Now if you agree with me, and realize that you have to hang in there. Then you should also realize that if you're going to be "stuck" you might as well be "stuck" happy. Try marriage counseling for one thing. Sometimes bringing in a qualified 3rd person can do wonders. Also, try to find the friendship in him that you once had. Be open, honest, and respectful. Encourage him to do the same. And of course, confront him about the porn that you found, if you haven't already, and the issue about the kids. Put all the cards on the table. Try to put yourself in his shoes and let him know he should do the same. I sure hope it works out for the two of you. God bless.

Answer 3

If your husband is disabled, i hope he is getting good help. If he hasn't applied for social security, maybe he could?

Of course that's not the problem, but was just suggesting SS for a source of income.

If you WANT a happier life and marriage, then why not consider therapy ? Your husband is now disabled, and he might need some type of therapeutic guidance for his own issues, as well as marriage issues.

Maybe approach him in a gentle and kind manner -- let him know how you are feeling... and ask him if he would like to try working on your lives... it's the best you can do.

I sure hope it works out.

Answer 4

You didn't say what his disability was...
But, it sounds like YOU are the head of the household now.

Take away the computer (you won't pay for internet connection).
Go out on fun outings, romantic trips, couples workshops, church classes, etc. at least once a month.

Then, if nothing changes after a year, divorce him and give him back the computer. Lack of intimacy isn't fair to either of you. Life is too short. Don't worry about him too much. Men seem to acquire girlfriends pretty quickly no matter what the situation is. Pray about it, and he will be fine.

Answer 5

If you both love each other then try couples counseling. I think it's time to have a talk with him and see what he wants. Depending on the disability, he might be able to have physical therapy so he can work again (maybe he's depressed because he can't work)? If he doesn't want to try to fix anything then you have two choices: either accept things the way they are or leave.

Answer 6

Don't make his dis-ability your decision maker. if you weren't happy enough to stay then don't stay through "pity" cos nothing's more of a turn-off. You need to decide wehether you would've stayed if he'd not become as he is, & if the answer is yes then work it out, keep trying to find that middle ground the compromise that gives you the affection & attention you lack. But you need to compromise as well. Relationships are a two way street, it can't be all take. If on the other handf the answer would be no then, unfortunately I think it's time for you to move on & live your life the way you want to.

Answer 7

First, i would why did you marry him? What characteristics did he have that drew you? (He still has them, you know!)

Ask him the same thing. Both of you write out ten reasons. Then begin looking at these attributes again.

After a week ask yourself why you should stay together. List ten reasons. Ask him to do the same.

Another week, at least 10 reasons why you should divorce. One more week to add to this list.

Now, you should have a minimum of communication started. Try discussing some of the minor issues and take it from there. After you have worked through the initial questions you have have a better idea of what actions you should take.

Hope this helps.

Answer 8

If the relationship is repairable, then work on repairing it (counseling if needed), however don't stay just because he is now disabled and you feel guilty...that's no way for either of you to live.

Do what's best for you, while taking him into consideration. Most things have beginnings and endings, even love and relationships.

Answer 9

You two need to go to couples therapy. They will not only try to get the two of you communicating, they will let you know if the relationship is not worth saving. That way you will have a subjective third party who knows everything to help you in making a decision.

Answer 10

I don't think that the main reason to stay married to someone should be so that they have you to take care of them. I wouldn't say you should necessarily get a divorce. It sounds like you still care about him. Try marriage counseling first and if that doesn't work then reconsider your options.