why should I stay married?

Question

I am trying to survive a relationhship until my daughter graduates in 3 years. It is becoming more physical and I can't stand it. I Not bad, just pushing etc... I have started drinking, cuz I can't deal......... Not an excuse. but is. I admit it. Here I am at 1 in the morning dying for someone to talk to.......hmmmmmmmm/ now what?

thanks for your support, i did call the law a couple of weeks ago. I am so scared. I am scared to go to bed right now. he is in there. and I went out shopping wth friend, will catch hell . oh, i am so distraught........ oh my... yes, i feel such pressure. and no, I didn't start the pushing. I asked why he charged 70000 on my credit cards. and there it started.... shouldn't bring that up. instant shoving and defensive. as far as my daughter, she is 15, I told her the other day I wished I hadn't married him..... first clue of a problem. as far as the police, i asked her not to tell anyone. ok, that was bad. didn't know what to say. town of 5000, gets around. I am so embarrassed. i have a degree. i am not stupid, but feel that way.

ok, I am so inexperienced on this, I can't even email or respond, cuz i don't know how....... trying.,. hmmmmm

hello, don't know how to find profile, never been on here before. help

email bagilly!@hotmail.com sorry don't know how to respond to your emails. but i need help

[e-mail]. not !

ok, what ever, just can't deal with it anymore. that's it. hmm

Answer 1

If he's pushing you, that is abuse. It won't get better. The longer you stick around, the more you give him the message that treating you bad is okay and he will get worse.
It is also child abuse if your daughter witnesses domestic abuse. She is more likely to thrive if she gets out of that situation with you.
Get out now.

Answer 2

My friend, I'm sure there are so many things going on that you can't share to make us understand your situation. First of all, understand that your daughter 'knows' what's going on in your household. And you would do well to have a talk with her and treat her like a young adult. Kids understand more than you know. Parents make a big mistake trying to shield them from the nitty gritty of the relationship. You can share your feelings and still not talk down her mother. And listen to what she has to say - most kids aren't stupid! They may be young, but some have real insight.
If the relationship is getting to the point that it's starting to become physical - you guys need to get some space between you. That's the mature thing to do. Staying together is not always the mature thing.
Which is best, for you, your wife and daughter: 365 days of stress, or separation, and everybody stresses over that until they come to realize that 'things'' are calmer, more peaceful, and life isn't totally falling apart__? The way I see it, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll get what you've always got! And judging from what you have written, nobody's winning right now.
I hope the two of you have given counseling a healthy try. By that I mean, going with the 'expection' that you both can come to terms with your problems and be willing to 'solve them' not tolerate them. Compromise is a healthy thing in a marriage. If the two of you are 'staying together' because of your daughter, let me ask you, why would you think your separation would hurt 'less' when she's 17 or 18 years old? Is your answer, "Because she's an adult then!" If it is, it doesn't hold water. Being an adult does not take the pain out of pain. I suggest that you communicate to your daughter now. Tell her what she already knows..... give her some respect. Talk about feelings - those alive and those dead. Talk about choices and how you've made good ones and bad. Talk about consequences, how when you make a choice, you also choose the consequences____ (nothing sneakes up on you, 2+2 really dow = 4. Own up to what ever you have to own up too. Give her this respect. Do no speak for her mother - don't even go there. You may only be able to share a few things on your first talk, listen to your daughter and take the lead to how far you can go, from her. She has to digest things.... work through things.... but do not go silent. This is her life too. And a word of advice, in regard to drinking, stop!! Give your daughter that much!!! She doesn't need a drunk for a father! Stand up and be a man. Some things work out and some things don't, but life must go on. If you need someone to talk to, go see a pastor. He/she has a servants heart. Don't look for a pity-party, they work about as good as the bottle! Good luck.

Answer 3

Physical abuse escalates. It might be just pushing this week, then there might be a slap next week, and then a punch the following month, and then by next year you'll be in the hospital. Any kind of abuse is wrong and you should set an example for your daughter by not allowing anyone to abuse you. If you allow a man to abuse you, your daughter will believe that it's OK for a man to abuse her. Do you really want her to be abused also?

You need to get out of the relationship. I don't know what the safest way to do that is, so I'm not giving you advice either way. But I strongly suggest you call a helpline for battered women and perhaps they can give you good advice. Some things are worth the sacrifice - you may lose your money and your home, depending on the kind of attorney you get, but you'll be freed from the torment of abuse and that freedom is worth all the gold in the world. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Also, don't turn to alcohol to drown your problems. You need to be strong, and drinking makes you weak.

Answer 4

I think we all get to a point where we have to cope to just make it through the day. What were the problems that you guys had before the pushing started? Do you ever push him first or does he just push you?

I believe you can work things out if you really want to. So often it's easier to think of what life would be like without our loved ones, but when it comes down to it, it's tough to leave what we've known for so long, not matter how hard it gets. It's easy to blame it on waiting until your daughter graduates, but in all honesty, if it were really that bad, I think you would have left at any cost.

Answer 5

first of all DON'T DRINK, it doesn't help ne thing fi ne thing it just makes it worst, drinking alters one's judgement, and what not. have you guys tried anger management, or marriage counseling, even if it's just you going you should do it cuz then maybe your spouse would join you. My husband would push me around and belittle me he would yell in my ears, and poke me hard in the chest and back me into corners, even while pregnant till one day I said **** YOU. I hopped in that car and drove to the police station I pressed charges, did all the paper work, then went home and said sit down I need to talk to you, he said no i'm not sitting, I said fine, you have 2 choices, you can start treating me like a wife, and someone you love, and I'll drop the charges I just made against ya, or 2 you can keep treating me like a worthless ***** and I'll be gone first thing tomorrow morning, well he went with number 1 ever since he's been sweet as can be, we are actually pretty happy together now. it's only been about 2 months since then but that's what it took for him to take me serious about having enough of his bull ****. Good luck and I really hope things get better.

Answer 6

There are plenty of people here that would email you to help keep your sanity. But why would you want to stay? Have him leave, pay the house payment, pay child support, keep the house until she graduates and then you can sell the house. Before you get hurt, get evidence or a witness or two of him getting physical, even if it your daughter and get a lawyer. He should be the one to move out that way your daughter doesn't have to change schools.

Answer 7

Hi, this sounds like a really hard situation for you. My thoughts are with you because there is nothing worse than being lonely in this world. I have been there... thank goodness I am out of that... and happily married - have been 6 years now. I really feel for you and although I am not exactly answering your question, please feel free to send me a message by going to my profile. I'm more than happy to be a friend at a time when needed. Best of luck xx

Answer 8

She graduates in 3 years, she is old enough to understand about adult relationships then. If you are drinking, and you are always fighting, or arguing with each other then you should not stay in the relationship. Abuse is abuse,no matter how small it may start out. pushing leads to more serious abuse, do you really want to endure that? Plus I am sure your daughter is not comfortable knowing her parents constantly fight. Get out now. while you can. Before it becomes to late to leave

Answer 9

have you tried to talk to your husband about the problems in your marriage? has this been going on for a long time? i think you should reassess your marriage and see if there is still hope of making things work...if there isnt and your husband is becoming too violent, then maybe its time for you to move on...nobody deserves to be treated badly (to the point of you becoming an alcoholic)...you can always ask for child support from your husband for your daughters studies...and you should clean up your act...your child will need your support more than ever...your separation from your husband will affect her surely and she will need your strength to finish her studies...

Answer 10

Staying for your daughter is NO excuse, it is your crutch. It is worse for her to stay, you are telling her that this is the way your husband should treat you. Set an example " for your daughter" and get the hell out !!