Is this any good?

Question

One day, 14 years ago, there was a little girl born of the name Alice. Her family was poor, but they were blessed by Alice’s beauty.
And, 13 years later, she had blossomed into a fair, young lass. Since her family was getting desperate, they decided to marry her off to the richest boy in the village. Brandon Young. He was a handsome fellow, but alas, Alice did not love him. No, her heart belonged to another, and his name was Damien Millefoilé. [mille-fole-gye] He too, was poor, and of no use to Alice’s family. She couldn’t let her family suffer, but her heart couldn’t deny it. She loved him. His shoulder length, jet-black hair that covered his left eye, his brilliant, ice-blue eyes. How he preferred an intellectual conversation and a walk over a real date. But, Brandon on the other hand, insisted on taking her clothes shopping, and never having a real conversation other than him telling her how happy they will be together.
Alice couldn’t take it anymore. That night, she escaped her house, but not before leaving a note on her bed, addressed to her family, “I am sorry for what I‘ve done, I hope that you don‘t wish you had had a son.” in tears, she ran off. But waiting outside with a loaded rifle, was Brandon. “You thought you could..?” he started. “Run. Now” he scowled. So, she ran through the forest, tearing her dress, heading for Damien’s house. “Come out, come out, Fiancé of mine!” he said in a happy voice. “There you are.” he whispered to himself. boom. Thud.

[I'm in 8th grade]

Answer 1

Is it any good? Yes.

One thing I noticed was that your spelling and punctuation was excellent. The story is good. I have read things written by much older writers who did not take the care you have shown here.

I was also writing by your age, but I was in the 8th grade almost 50 years ago. In high school I wrote for my school paper, but instead of “assignments” like the other reporters, I wrote short stories. So I have been writing a long time. I used to belong to a writer’s club, where we would read our work to other writers and they would tear it apart. (We were vicious!) I mention this, because that is sort of what I am going to do here. Finding out what you are doing wrong is a way to learn, so please don’t feel bad, if I seem to be tearing your work apart… I feel you will benefit more by my knowledge, if I mention every little thing, than if I just said it was great and let it go at that. OK?

I bet you had this separated into paragraphs, but they ran together here on the web page. When you post something here, you might put an extra line between paragraphs to keep them separated. That will make it more clear to the reader.

Now, the main thing I would like to see you do is put in more detail. I will explain that as I go along.

There are several places where things could be interpreted in different ways. If you want the reader to always follow the story exactly as you meant it, you often have to lead them by the hand. For instance, in the other answers, I saw that they presumed the girl was killed from the “Boom. Thud.” I did figure she was hit by the bullet, but not necessarily that she died from it. Since she was running in the forest, the bullet might have thudded into a tree instead. I feel you wanted to keep the shock-value by making it a couple short words, but there are ways around that. You could say,

"Boom."

"Thud."

The young girl's body hit the ground, never to rise again.

That is just one example. There are lots of ways to write it. You could even add more to it about how Damien avenges her by killing Brandon, or by leading the police to him, then tricking him into telling what he did...

Now, some technical pointers, it is not usually good to start a sentence with “And”, “But” or “So". In the sentence “And, 13 years later, --”, I would have started it “Thirteen years later, --”
In the one which has “But, Brandon on the other hand, --”, you could leave out the first word, making it “Brandon on the other hand, --”
Likewise, in the one that starts, “So, she ran --” you could start out as “She ran --”

“His shoulder length, jet-black hair that covered his left eye, his brilliant, ice-blue eyes.” is actually a sentence fragment since there is no verb. However, that is not always a bad thing. I often use sentence fragments for effect. (Like you did where you put: “Boom. Thud.”) I would probably leave it a sentence fragment, but you could make it “His shoulder length, jet-black hair that covered his left eye, and his brilliant, ice-blue eyes.” (Putting in an ‘and’ there.) However, if I were writing it, rather than to use ‘eye’ and ‘eyes’ in the same sentence and sound redundant, I might reword it slightly, making it: “His shoulder length, jet-black hair that always covered the left side of his face, hiding one of his brilliant, ice-blue eyes.” or something like that…

In this section:
[“You thought you could..?” he started. “Run. Now” he scowled.]
…I find myself asking, “You thought you could –what?” I presume he was going to say, “You thought you could just walk out on me?!?” If that is it, you might add in that extra detail.

I might also expand the rest of that as something like:
“You thought you could walk out on me?” he shrieked. In a quieter, but somehow more sinister tone, he added, “Instead of walking, maybe you could make it if you run…? –You just might make it..! Run! …Go ahead –Run! –Now!!” He scowled. Terrified and not knowing what else to do, she ran…

By adding this I have left less for the reader to figure out, and made it easier to understand what Brandon intends.

Now I am not saying that mine is the most perfect text for here, but I am giving it to you as an example.

Also, below that you have, […heading for Damien’s house. “Come out, come out, Fiancé of mine!” he said in a happy voice.] I would change the ‘he’ to Brandon, since you were just mentioning Damien (his house, actually), so the reader may think Damien came out of his house and said that. I agree this would not make sense, since he says ‘fiancé’, but still, putting in the name of the speaker makes it more clear who is talking. It is always better if the reader doesn’t have to figure out what you mean. You don’t actually have to say Brandon –another way, which would point at the person speaking, would be to say, [ She heard a terrifyingly cheerful voice behind her calling, “Come out, come out… ]

All right, I won’t nitpick any further, or you might think I didn’t like the story, and I did. I just felt you would benefit from a little of this old man’s expertise… Hope it helps.

Keep writing, and one of these days, I will be able to pick up a book from the “best seller” list with your name on it…

Good luck with your writing.
Sandor Kassar

[They say a picture is worth a thousand words… but I don't think there is any picture I could have used that would have kept me from writing this thousand word answer – ha ha.]

Answer 2

For your age that is very good.

You're not going to get published, but writing, like anything, improves with time, and by the time you are old enough to be submitting things for publication you will certainly have the skills to do so. Most of the mistakes you've made you'll find the solutions to in school, in high school.

Answer 3

It is very good. However I tripped on a few lines. Try reading it out-loud. This is a trick I use often to find stumbling points hidden within the prose.

Answer 4

that's very good for an 8th grader.
it could improve, but then, everything has room for improvement,
try extending the ending a little. it took me a while to figure out that alice died.

Answer 5

YES, it is very exceptional. For your age group it is indeed fantastic. Keep writing. I hope you are taking creative writing classes & any other classes related to writing. Keep up on your grammar, punctuation & spelling too.

YOU WILL WRITE your first novel before you are 21......

EDIT NOTE: It wasn't difficult for me to figure he blew her head off.

Answer 6

Ha ha, awesome. I agree that's it's clear Alice died.