What should i do if my unhappily married boss is wanting sexual favors?

Question

I am a single young attractive female, and i am the secretary for the pastor of my church. He started telling me about his marital problems, and in an attempt to help out I listened. I figured everyone needs someone to talk to. At first I gave him advice on nice things to do for his wife, and then he started giving me hugs when I got into work. Since then his has kissed me and a little more. I told him that it’s not right, and that his wife would be devastated, be he doesn't seem to care. I don't know how to get out of this situation without losing my job, and not hurting everyone involved, including people at the church....What makes me feel worse, is that I love his wife and think she is an amazing woman. She's just busy and forgets sometimes that she's a wife too.

For people that are being really harsh and judgemental, maybe you don't know what its like to really look up to someone and trust them and then have this happen to you.

Answer 1

Who cares about your job, tell him he's a creep and get out of there.

Answer 2

First of all I would report it to the EEOC. Secondly I would speak to an attorney. Thirdly I would tell his wife about it. Then he can't fire you because this would be a retaliatory tactic which the government does not allow and you can sue for BIG DAMAGES. Also please don't be NAIVE the church should not be a place where everything goes MORAL or IMMORAL and it is okay. It is not OKAY that is why PRIESTS are being prosecuted now. I am ROMAN CATHOLIC so I can tell you this. Everyone persecutes the CATHOLICS but Baptists, Methodist, and every other religion have their pedophiles and sex deviants as well. This Minister is going against everything the BIBLE and CHURCH preach against. I am sure that you are quite attractive and have men notice you. In society though we know right from wrong and just because he is a minister doesn't give him an excuse to act this way. A minister is like a police officer or judge or any other public servant. They are held to a much higher standard of behavior than ordinary citizens. I must concurr that you should reveal this to his wife and the EEOC first as well as an attorney because that will save a lot of anguish and DRAMA if it ever comes to light and you won't look like the WHORE !!! You know they always blame it on the parisher NEVER THE MINISTER !!!! GOOD LUCK !!!

Answer 3

This is sexual harrassment in the work place and no you shouldn't have to give up a paid job because of it. You need to put in an official complaint to some authority but I don't know who. Can you maybe ring the police and ask where do you lodge a complaint for protection of women in the workforce or something??? Is there another person high up in your church you can ask about this. I'd like to know how old this man is and how old you are. Only other thing I can think of is say to him Look we have discussed stuff together and I hope you didn't get the wrong idea about me but I am not interested in you and especially that you are a married man and if this doesn't stop I will promise you right now I will ask your wife if she approves of this sort of behaviour.

Good luck. Don't forget there are laws against sexual discrimination in the work place.

Answer 4

You need to stop what you're doing. There's a saying: stand up for what you believe, even if you're standing alone. Regardless whether he cares about his wife or not, YOU should. He's a pastor for Christ's sake! Are you okay with him giving sermons knowing what he's doing after service is over? If your job is worth more than your integrity, you're working in the wrong field of work - his wife may forget she's a wife, but you're forgetting you're working for a leader of a church! Adultery is a sin! If you don't want to loose your job, tell him no and make up an excuse like you have a boyfriend and how YOU think CHEATING is WRONG. Obviously, you feel bad about this or you wouldn't have asked for advice, but you need to stop before his wife finds out and ends up hating you more than her husband because you KNEW he was married. Good luck.

Answer 5

Um, honey, please don't take this the wrong way but you sound sort of naive...innocent...If you HONESTLY think his wife is, "just busy and forgets sometimes that she's a wife too" you are NOT looking at the big picture here, hon. If you profess that you love and respect his wife, if I were you I would let her know what the score is. Your hypocritical pastor (isn't it always the so called "holy ones") doesn't give a damn about you or his wife or even God if he even takes his *calling* seriously. Talk to his wife. You can always find a better job. If you let the wife know, and quit ALL CONTACT with this jerk, and find another job, people will only have respect for you. How would you think his wife would feel, not knowing any of what her HUSBAND is doing with you? Not good, I'd imagine. Put yourself in HER shoes.

Answer 6

I think that the Bible sends a clear message about sexual sin and that is exactly what this is. Adultry is wrong, period. Don't let guilt of making people unhappy keep you from doing the right thing. This man should not be preaching if he is commiting adultry and commiting sexual impurities. Furthermore you are not responsible for their marital problems so if you are somehow trying to help the situation then I don't believe you are. If you decide to totally trust God the job situation will work out. Read 1 Corinthians 6:18, Matthew 5:28, Exodus 20:14.

Answer 7

I really feel for you. None of the courses of action available to you is ideal, but the most important thing is to make sure that your boss understands that he's not going to get ANY sort of sexual favours from you. If he threatens you with the sack or anything like that, inform another senior person in the church. If you make it clear to your boss that you WILL report him - perhaps even to the police - this alone might be enough to make him stop. But if he continues to hassle you, either go to his wife or the police, or try to arrange for a friend or colleague to 'catch him in the act' when he tries to come on to you, so that if you report him, it's more than just your word against his. You could arrange for this friend or colleague to wait outside the room when you and your boss are alone together, and as soon as your boss makes a move, you could call out and your friend or colleague enter the room. Good luck, and i really hope you manage to resolve this.

Answer 8

I too work for a church but the hugs and kisses I receive from the parishioners or ministers do not make me feel unease. Obviously you are feeling comfortable and must tell him once again, but don't bring his wife in the picture. Point out that this situation is making you feel very uncomfortable and does he really want you to leave this job because of this. When he comes close to you take a step back and put your arms out and say 'no'. Every church that I know of has a rectors warden (or the peoples warden) so speak to them right away before it gets out of hand. Remember you are in charge of the office and not his personal problems. Advise the pastor to seek counselling and there is nothing wrong with that statement. Believe in yourself and be strong.

Answer 9

Well....your intentions were probably well intended but your so called pastor is not much of a man or a pastor. If I were you I would tell him under no circumstances will this continue and if he thinks he is going to get by with this, you will file a sexual harrassment suit against him and the church and then do it. Find yourself a good lawyer and then do it. Do NOT let him get by with this one second longer. If you let it continue, then you are as guilty as he is. I would send a letter to the elders of the church advising them what he is doing and what your plans are and I am very sure they will see to it that this situation ceases immediately. I wish you the best, but you must stop this now!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I think it's great that you're trying to do the right thing for everyone involved. If the situation went beyond kissing, then chances are that you're enjoying what's happening. I think you should be honest with him and let him know what's going on in your head. Tell him that you respect his marriage and want things to work out well (especially if children are involved!) and that you want to continue working for him but that you would need things to change in order for that to happen. Explain that you're flattered by his advances (but only if you really are) but that you just can't let this happen. You're right--his wife would be devastated and would probably leave him in a heartbeat. You don't want that for him, and I'm sure neither does he.

Answer 11

I am sorry to say, but you have misplaced the honor you have placed on this man. pastor or not, he is not a good man for attempting the things he has with you.

There are probably a lot more people in your church giving him undeserved honor. Do you think they should be guided by a man who can not guide himself?

You should tell him to come clean with his wife and the church or you will do it for him. Whatever unhappiness it causes, he has brought upon himself and he should be ashamed.

People like him, that claim such strong moral belief and then act the opposite give the true leaders of religion a scar in the eyes of the world.