Help! My mother in law is ruining my marriage and she doesn't even know it!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. It has been a WONDERFUL 2 years until "THE MONSTER IN LAW" comes around. She acts like she is a saint in front of her son but when her and i are alone she acts totally different. She tries to control parts of his life that she should have given up when me and her son got married. I don't know if i should be mad at my husband for allowing her to do the immature things she does or should i be mad at her for being a grown woman not knowing her boundaries and a mother and my place as a wife. I am really at my wits end with her. I really need some advice. I am open to suggestions.

Answer 1

First remember it is hard at times to let go and let your kids make their own decisions especially when your older and wiser and you see them making mistakes.. doesnt mean she's right for what she's doing, but just means she is human and some women have a harder time cutting the apron strings then others. So try to be compasionate about that. Its really a hard thing to understand unless you urself have actually raised a child and had to be the one to let go. With that said your husband should be the one to take a stand with his mother. But even that is hard for some to do especially when they were raised to always have respect for their parent and always listen to what they say, but you should give him the opportunity to do so .. if that doesnt work, then take that time alone with her and explain to her woman to woman what you feel she's doing and be nice about it dont be rude or hateful, just explain it to her as how she would of felt if her mother in law did that to her. If none of those work, then at one point in time ur going to need to put ur foot down with both of them. But be ready for the reprecussions of it, your going to have a mother in law thats pitted against u with her son, and your going to have a husband that takes it personally that your against is mother, so make sure u try all avenues of being nice about it before actually making a stand. Dont expect everything to change over night but maybe take some of the bigger issues u have with her and focus on those and let some of the smaller things go..

Good luck..

Answer 2

This can be fixed if you have the guts to do it. And, let me recommend you get the guts to do it, or you will be dealing with this the rest of your life, and it will just get worse and worse.
You have nothing to fear. Tell yourself this over and over.

Talk to your husband first. Tell him what's going on and ask him what YOU shoud do. Get his feelings. Then, tell him how it makes you feel angry and upset for her to put her nose where it doesn't belong and that you won't tolerate it in your marriage.
LOL, I think God had this in mind when he said, "LEAVE your father and mother, and cling to your wife..." and, if she is religious in any way, pull out the bible and show her this!
Then:
Sit her down for a one on one. Just you and her. Be firm, and confident when you describe the unacceptable behavior, and tell her you will not tolerate it another day. You are now the woman of the house and there is not room for 2.
You're creating a boundary here. The boundary says, "you can come this far but no farther".
But, boundaries must also come with consequences for those who cross them. So, what will the consequences be? This may sound harsh, (and of course you make up your own), but for me, I would tell her if she can not respect your wishes as the woman of your home, she will not be welcome in your home. Don't be afraid of her either. She is just being cleverly manipulative. Don't fall for the crying and the boo hooing that "no body" loves me etc.
Stand your ground and do not back down.

If your husband has a problem with all this, talk to him and again, tell him that you are his wife and mention to him that there is no room in a marriage for more than one woman, so which one of us is it going to be?

You MUST stand firm and not back down. If you back down, you will just show them you can be manipulated.
I hope this works out for you what ever you decide to do.

Answer 3

First, remember that the 'calmest person in any situation is the one who remains in control.' I know this is hard, but you MUST do this.
Having the two most important women in his life fighting all the time is going to nothing but tear your husbands heart in half.
You cannot control what she does, but you CAN control what you do.

Here is how you handle it....
Do not let anything she says or does affect you. When she starts being negative, you go into that 'mode' that makes everything deflect off of you.
If she comments on how you are ignoring her. Be truthful, direct, short and sweet, NO arguing. Remember, your house, your rules. Make sure you say, 'We dont do it that way'... or 'We prefer things done this way.'
That way she cannot help but get the inference that you and your husband are building a household there....... and her household is across town.
Do not allow the inlaws to just drop over either. If they do, make an excuse that you are leaving and cannot entertain them right now. Do not allow them to barge into your lives unannounced all the time. Explain to your husband that you will not tolerate this. This is YOUR home too. Not just his.
The end result of all this, is to learn to live with your in-laws. I bet they are really great people, they just need to learn boundaries.
After you assert yourself and make your positions known to them, do something nice for them. Not to kiss their backsides, but to maintain a healthy relationship. Remember, this woman feels that she has lost her son to you. So, make sure that your husband is spending time with his mother from time to time. It is VERY important that he do so. Otherwise, you will never have a moments peace.

Answer 4

First of all, you should not be angry with your loving husband and be mad at her. In the long run, you have won as you have her son in your life and the MONSTER-IN-LAW have nothing. Just beware when you start to have a family together and that is where the trouble will begin especially if there is no other grandchildren on the scene. You need to really sit down with the MONSTER-IN-LAW and put her in her place. Do this in your environment in front of your husband and I think she will settle down for you two to live your lives alone without all the niggly bits that she creates.

Answer 5

I have been through what you are going through but I talked to my husband and told him that I am the one that he married and I have not been disrespectful towards his mom and I will not allow her to be that way towards me and the next time she decided to start on me I told exactly how I felt, then I told my hubby what I said and she got brave and said something in fornt of my husband about me and I told her how I felt again in front of him and she looked at him and asked if he was gonna let me talk to her that way. He nodded and said yep and that pretty much was the end of her bashing.

You are in charge of how people treat you. Take a stand and let that person know that you show respect and you expect and demand the same thing!

Answer 6

Do not fight with your husband about his mother. If you do moan and groan about her to him she wins. No one wants to hear anyone bad mouth there mother. (Even if your right). When she is around be nice, polite, keep your distance.

As far as her controlling him, that's his fault. He allows it. You really can't be upset with her about boundaries as sounds as if your husband never set any with his mother and I don't know if you spoke to her about boundaries or if you're just assuming that she knows what boundaries you expect.
As now he is married and she is expected to give it all up when her son hasn't said anything to her. It is up to your husband to deal with his mother not you. She will take offense coming from her son.

Answer 7

Does your husband know that she does this? If he does not you need to tell him. If he does know I would be mad at him for allowing her to act like that. She needs told what her boundaries are since she does not seem to know them. I would do my best not to be alone with her. I complained to my husband once about his mother and he told me not to tell him but to tell her. I do tell her whenever she steps over the line and it does help. Once that they know that you are not going to take their crap they learn to behave or they stay home. Mine no longer comes around much. Good luck.

Answer 8

You should tell ur husband that she is putting a wedge in ur marriage and he needs to handle it. Otherwise, it is all green lights for her. She has jealousy issues and needs to get over it. She needs to stop interfering in her sons life and give him space to live his own life. He is not a mommas boy right? If not then you are lucky- there is a great chance that all it will take is for him to tell her to shapin' up or he will not be in too much contact with her, if she doesn't respect that he has a new life and family with you.

Answer 9

Been there. Ended up separating. My sincere advice is to speak very frankly to your husband about this issue immediately. He *has* to understand that he needs to stand between you and the monster-in-law.
You married him, not her. So you can't change her, but he has to be the one who protects the marriage.
In the meantime try to be nice to your mother-in-law, mostly not to put your husband in the condition of having to make a hard choice.
Good luck and...don't wait!!!!

Answer 10

Your husband is obviously asleep at the wheel. If he's not aware of the goings on with you and his mother (assuming you've already told him), then you did not marry a man... you married a boy. That crabby woman's boy, no less. Either he needs to tell his mother to stop making life hell on HIS family, or you need to go find yourself a real man. Period.