Opinion on moving in together before marriage?

Question

My boyfriend of 4 years and I are moving in together in the new year. I've posted a few questions on here about us moving in together and it never fails, I have some person responding with, "you really should get married first", "why aren't you getting married?" We've talked about it but aren't ready for it in the near furture but regardless marriage has nothing to do with my questions.

What's the big deal with living together before marriage and why does one "have to" come before the other?

Answer 1

I think it's a good idea. I can't imagine marrying someone and THEN living with them. Living with someone before marriage exposes all sorts of little, unique things about them that could very well determine if you really want to be with this person for the rest of your life.

Answer 2

In my experience of 35+ years.....I lived with someone in my early 20's (didn't get married) and also lived with my Ex-husband before marriage (late 20's). I use to say it was good to test the waters and live together first. Sometimes, it then becomes too easy to "continue" just living together. At least for some people and then the guy doesn't propose marriage and the girl gets upset and starts to push. Some people say "why buy the milk, when the cow is free".

However, I know now that I will not simply move in with a boyfriend. I would like an engagement ring on my finger first. This way, you have that semi-commitment and can still test the waters before marriage. I never thought of this until now for some reason. Everyone has their own ideas of what they think is the correct thing to do. Go with what you think...you know your man best!

Answer 3

Some people will never be able to accept the 21st century different available life styles. You are the only one who knows when your relationship is ready to go to the level of marriage.
You do need to know that the living together is just a preview, and marriage may still be different than the living together. You will know whether he puts the lid down, and the cap on the toothpaste but you may not find out about commitment issues he or you may have. When you put all of your money in one pile and have bills you both are responsible for and add a couple of children, then you come close to simulating marriage. The 'I Do' does make a difference but there is nothing wrong with trying on the shoes before you buy them.
The only person that should care whether you live together first is YOU..........

Answer 4

Chriztina,
Let your heart not be troubled. Movingin with someone IS a big step. Marriage aside, people who just have roommates go through the same thing. Living with someone opens doors to the other persons ways. You don't see that persons habits when they go home. You can spend all the time in the world with them, but until you have to wake up every day to this person... It's a new ballgame. From who's turn it is to do the grocery shopping all the way to who was suppose to write the rent check. You see, these are things that people who are getting maried (supposedly) discuss before they get married. And then divorce still happens... so no worries... At least discuss things through with your mate... Talk about expectations... I think you on the right road by seeking answers, now all you have to do is ask your mate the right questions...

Answer 5

When you think about it, what's the point of being married if you are living together? You do all of the same things that a married couple does. You share bills and everything else. You don't have to be married first, but it really removes a big part of being married. When you do get married, there won't really be any big changes. You will just be wearing a ring and have some tax advantages.

Answer 6

Thats funny cause usually when I read about someone wanting to wait til marriage for living together or sex, there are a bunch of people telling them to live together first and test the water and all that good stuff..lol.
I think if you guys want to live together, why not, its not like you just met or anything, you know each other plenty well, and why not take that next step to live together and see how that goes. If you both are happy with the relationship you have and aren't ready to marry, then don't. I see nothing wrong with it. Good Luck!!

Answer 7

I didn't live with my husband before we got married. We used to stay the night at each other's apartments, all the time, and spent loads of time together in various settings. But I didn't want to live with him without being married, and made that clear to him. Now we are married and living together. I took a course in college called marriage and family, and when people live together before marriage, they are much less likely to marry each other. They realize that certain things get on each others nerves and then withdraw and never marry that person. Once you are married, you try harder to make it work, because you are already MARRIED. Do what you want, but it is proven that if you live together first, you may not get married, plus divorce rates are HIGHER if you lived together first. Cannot argue with statistics.

Answer 8

Why would you want to cheapen the relationship with doing that. If you have enough money to move in together you have enough to get married. Ever heard of a judge? But I digress. Why would you want to give yourself to a man who doesn't love you enough to live in a committed relationship? This is not about him, it is all about you. YOU think it is cool to play house. YOU think you can handle the emotional aspect of living together without the benefit of Holy Matrimony. What happens if you have children? He's the sperm donor but he'll probably run to the hills. If you are married he is a dad. The point is, you DESERVE to be married. If you are going to bare your soul as well as your body, a man should be willing to make a life long commitment. Come on, Woman-Up! Get some back bone. He doesn't get to try you out for a test drive. Either he loves you, I mean really loves you and marries you or just be satisfied with being you boy friend NOT live in. You're worth way more than that!

Answer 9

It's okay for a couple to move in together without getting married first if that's what they both want. But I've known a lot of women who wanted to get married, but then moved in with their boyfriend because he did not want to get married yet. Then they were miserable, always waiting for him to propose, and he never did. I did not understand at the time why these women moved in with their boyfriends when it was not what they really wanted. I guess they were too self-sacrificing. Those of us who have known people in this situation worry when we see couples moving in together, afraid that it's the same situation all over again.

If a girl (or guy, for that matter) wants to get married, and not to just live with their significant other, they should not settle for less. But if both parties are in agreement, there is nothing wrong with it.

Answer 10

Well, you see living with someone can be hard. I never had trouble living with my partner, but many people get married and find that adjusting to living with someone is very hard. That's why they say the first year of marriage is so hard! It can lead to fights, frustration and resentment. People who are married are committed to each other to get through that, people who are living together, may or may not be committed and breaking up with you live together is harder than breaking up when you date.

Also, they think that if you're not living together, you're not having sex (yea right!) and don't want you to be having any 'illegitimate' children, as if there's no such thing as reliable contraception!

And as for the whole, why buy the milk crap, unless your boyfriend is a loser with no respect, he doesn't think that way. I had no problems getting engaged to my partner. As if women only give and men only get anyways.