Can women really "forgive and forget" after an affair?

Question

I believe in marriage and family although my husband had an affair for 2 1/2 years. They lived together and it was just sexual...no emotional attachment from him. He let her into our home once when I wasn't there. I know he lies because he denies stuff that she says when she's not around, but doesn't deny it in front of her.

We have a 21 year history together and I believe in "for better or for worse". I believe we can get past this and our relationship will be stronger because of it.

The only question is, can we truly forgive and forget? I told him that I will do it and will forgive EVERYTHING he did to save our marriage. Has anyone else done this? He said he will do anything to make it work. He moved home last night and will not talk to the other woman again.

Answer 1

As someone else said, this isn't an affair you're trying to "forgive"....... this is a LONG relationship and no one stays with another person that long "only for the sex", especially knowing they have a family somewhere........ No matter how many years I was with the moron, he cheats on me, he's gone. How could you possibly forget all what he did!!? Taking her into your house..... lying to you so cinically..... left you for so long and then come back home pretending that nothing happened and just happy that you took his sorry azz back..!!?? He's quite a piece..!!! I don't want to rain on your parade, but if I were you, I'd be VERY alert because I don't think he's gonna just get rid & forget about this long relationship he had. Now you've forgiven him..... so he knows he can do it any time again and you'll forgive him again cuz "you're ready to do ANYTHING to save your marriage".... If I were you I'd be out.

Would you answer my question?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/;_ylc=X3oDMTE1MmI4N2IyBF9TAzIxMTU1MDAxMTgEc2VjA2Fuc19ub3QEc2xrA3N1YmplY3Q-;_ylv=3?qid=20071105085116AAKEY6q


Thanks....

EDIT: THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE ON MY QUESTION BLUE EYES.... IT'S USEFUL TO HAVE THE PERSPECTIVE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. WHAT YOU DESCRIBED - THE GUILT, THE NOSTALGY - IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M AFRAID OF. IT IS WHAT I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE. I'VE ALREADY OFFERED HIM MORE THAN ONCE TO TAKE A BREAK, I WILL STEP OUT OF HIS LIFE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE, NO PRESSURE, SO HE CAN MAKE HIS DECISION CALMLY AND FREELY... BUT HE WON'T ACCEPT THIS EITHER, HE WANTS TO STICK BY MY SIDE NO MATTER WHAT... HE WANTS TO HAVE IT ALL. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME SICK & TIRED OF THIS WHOLE THING.... THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT. WISH YOU THE BEST TOO, AND PREFERRABLY WITH A MAN WHO VALUES YOU ENOUGH JUST LIKE YOU DESERVE.

Answer 2

An emotional affair is actually very dangerous and is a hell of alot worse than an actual affair. If u connect w/ someone on a level u can be in for a world of hurt. U can fall so quickly for the person u are doing it w/. They tell u all the right things. It will confuse u, u will think u have lost ur mind. U may not be physically touching this person but u are connecting w/ them on a much higher level. Ur heart can get involved rather easily and then broke rather quickly! What u did I do not believe to be an emotional affair but then again it all depends on how it was said...did u say it in a way as in u wanted to get w/ her...it all depends but I don't think u did anything wrong. I have had an emotional affair and then became physical I fell in love w/ him b4 touching him and he broke my heart!!

Answer 3

You are a strong woman and I hope things work out for you. An affair for that long is a relationship, and he's gonna have to be one hell of a guy to just forget about her. You can forgive but you'll never forget. No matter how promising things are you'll still think something is going on...all I can say is pray to the Lord for salvage of your marriage.

Answer 4

I've been through sorta the same situation, I found that it has been easier to forgive him, and I have moved on to forgetting, but there are times when it will come back and I have a hard time being in the same house with him, this all happened about 4 months ago, so I'm still giving it time, and it is getting easier, one thing that he has had to do is build my trust in him back up, without him doing that I wouldn't of been able to forgive.

Answer 5

A similar thing happened to me. I eventually was able to forgive him....It is very hard because what he did devastated me. It was while I was pregnant with our 3rd child, we had recently moved to a foreign country for his work, all of his co-workers and their wives knew about it, etc. He introduced me to her as someone who he thought I could be "friends" with. That way she could be over at our house all the time. I did really like her. Then I started noticing things. I finally asked him and he admitted it. It was the night before our baby's baptism.

He said he would break it off with her but he didn't do it for a long time They worked together. She kept calling the house. We went to lots of counseling and worked hard at saving the marriage. The marriage eventually fell apart because I couldn't forget it and I couldn't trust him.

I know some people do get over it but it takes a very long time. We couldn't.

Even if he said there was no emotional attachment, don't kid yourself....If he was not emotionally attached, then why did he move in with her? After my husband had told me it was over, he came home in tears because he didn't think he could be without her.

Answer 6

Forgiveness comes easily.
Forget never.
Regardless how many years I've been with a man, once he has crossed that line it is over with us.
I most likely will be able to Forgive, I will have too if there are children involved. Have to be civil for them, they still need two parents in their lives.
Won't ever Forget, once it has ended there's no turning back, no second chances. Remaining Friends is possible, nothing more.

Answer 7

I feel so bad for you having to go through this. All you can do is forgive and try to trust again if he really does seem sincere about starting over. If you can't trust, it's not your fault. Maybe it just means that it's time to move on, because it hurts forcing yourself in a relationship with no trust.

Answer 8

Women say that to others because
they can lie through their teeth,
but what this really means is:
"I'm not forgetting this,
I AM logging this for future reference.
And as far a forgiving...HA!"

Answer 9

Is he sorry? Do you still love him? If you can answer yes to both the first questions, I think it's possible. (especially since he says that there was no emotional connection) My husband and I are trying to work on our marriage as well. The hardest thing I have to deal with are feelings of insecurity. The affair was long term and he did "have feelings" for her. Your situation sounds better. (Is there such a thing in regards to affairs?) Good luck.

Answer 10

I will always believe that we have the capacity to forgive. Our brains will not allow us to forget something so traumatic as an affair in which the husband moved in with the other woman. Who are you to say that he didn't have an emotional attachment to her? He must have felt something in order to leave you and to move in with her. Don't be naive, you can choose to save your marriage, but don't be a doormat for any man.