What would your reaction be if your husband told you that?

Question

You are uptight and aren't as easy going as you once were. If you asked him to pinpoint a time it changed and he said it was around the time your Dad passed away, which is about two and half years ago. I responded by feeling defensive and somewhat depressed. I'd much rather be told positive things. He claims he wasn't trying to be negative but just point out his observations that I don't handle things like I used to. Why do I have this compulsion to 'fix' myself and feel defensive? How would you react?

Answer 1

i feel it is out of love that he is telling u this, to get u to seek help. we all need help from time to time and death of a loved one does cause one to hurt and grieve and feel depressed. we actually can learn alot by atleast being willing to hear the other person out. i do not think he did this to demean u or hurt u, he did it in hopes u could see the problem and seek help. its a good thing when couples communicate and tell the other what is wrong, better than leaving the marriage without a word and without giving that other person a chance to make changes.

Answer 2

The first thing to do is to go together and talk to a councillor , or even better go and see a phycoligist , together , .the thing that worries me here is that it has been two and a half years now since you dad passed away , the last thing you really want to here from anyone is negitive things , wether it be in the the pass or the here and now . what you are saying to in your question .is that you you are feeling defencesive , , the thing here i cannot understand , about your hubby is and ask him this question , if it was he who was in the same position as you ,, were and are , would he not be defencesive , i know about depression , as i have suffered it myself . but you know defencesive , and depression are two different meanings , i think when your hubby uses the word defensive , i think he is useing the catrory of it meaning that you have defence mechanism/ meaning that you unconsciously . protect your self from the threatening , and could be unkowingly doing the the same with the unpleasent idears and your emotions. . On the the other hand if it is depression then i think what you are going though is a sadness which will lower your spirts within you to a lower depression area , , if this happens then you and your hubby should be going now to see a phycoligist , Another thing that bothers me after all this time why is your hubby bring up things that will knock you back after 2.and a half years ago , has your husband sat down with you to talk to you as to what he is missing out on , also being married to your hubby he has got to understand that when you married , it was for life , not part time . so you really should not have to be fixing yourself up or feel defensive , to the person you share your life with , , Yes you need help , but what you do not need is to have to be defensive or be trying to fix this problem up yourself . If i was you i would sit him down , and talk about this problem , because if you do not , i think you i think their are problems , waiting in the wings , Good luck with the this

Answer 3

First off, your asking him to pinpoint the change in you should be the best answer as to why you have changed so much. He has told you what you wanted to know...you have grief issures to deal with. I may have reacted the same way, but he DID tell you what you wanted to know, right?

Every person grieves in different ways. I lost my first husband 30 years ago last month, and I still feel badly from time-to-time, even though I'm happily married now and have been for 25 years (we were both very young when he passed).

I would suggest that you look into a grief support group, or if you don't feel comfortable with that, find a counselor who specializes in grief counseling.

I don't think you need "fixed", I just think you need to get on with your grief, and once you come to terms with it, I think the other problems will get much better. Just don't wait so long it gets in the way of your marriage.

There is hope...just don't give up on yourself. And don't blame your hubby for telling you what you asked him to tell you. He, more than anyone, can pinpoint the origin of the problem. That's great...at least you know where to start! You should give him a big ol' kiss for giving you a starting place!

Good Luck...I hope you get on track again!

Answer 4

Sounds like me. I am uptight and aren't as easy going as I once were, and my father also passed away 2 1/2 years ago.

If my husband were to say that to me, I would most likely get very upset, probably get very loud and try to argue my way out claiming that he is just overreacting. Once I have sometime to think for myself, I'll probably understand what he was trying to tell me and accept it, and hopefully he would be willing to help me change my ways a bit, at least be the carefree happy person I once was before the death of my father.

Answer 5

I was in the same situation as you. Everything just started going wrong in the relationship. Didn't understand why. He wasn't putting up with me anymore :(
He had to come out and say that I wasn't fun anymore, that all I do is B#### too much...he didn't know how much longer that he could put up with it anymore.
It tore my world upside down, but in the end, it was good criticism. I needed to hear it.
Your husband is probably just worried about you. Please just listen to him. Talk to him too. Your dad passed away, you are probably a little depressed about it still. Take things slowly, read self help books. Try to figure out why you are still so uptight and not easy going. Try to talk to a concoulor.

Answer 6

Don't ever "fix" yourself for anyone but yourself. People change it is the nature of the game. Be true to yourself. Maybe you don't handle things like you used to, I know I don't do things the same as I did 2.5 years ago.

My reaction would be that of repulsion but that's because I'd be surprised I have a husband. :-D

He probably wasn't being negative or trying to hurt your feelings but hey you were there so you know what you heard in his tone of voice.

Answer 7

I probably would've reacted similarly. Everyone wants to appear perfect in the eyes of others, especially the people we care about. It's our ego. Nothing wrong w/ wanting to improve ourselves, but it's also important to accept ourselves as we are.

If you don't want to be uptight, I'm sure your husband would be glad to help you become more easy going again. Just work on it together. He sounds like a good communicator.

Also, keep in mind, this isn't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Answer 8

I'd much rather hear it from my spouse than someone else. I know that when my husband is critical of me it comes out his love and concern for me.. As nice as this all sounds it still hurts to have those close to us criticize us. I'm sure he wasn't trying to be negative. Sure we all want to hear only to good stuff but if you have someone who cares enough about you to say - your actions worry me, or you seem different - this is a good thing. Embrace it and move forward, because getting defensive and depressed over it will strain your relationship.

Answer 9

Honestly, I'd be hurt by these comments as well. But what I would do next is say to him "Honey, you're right. The death of my father was terribly traumatizing to me and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. I need you to be here for me, to talk things out with me (if talking makes you feel better)." Also, you may want to ask him to join you in a counseling session, or you could go to a grief counselor. My husband and I needed to go to one after my grandmother died last year and I just couldn't "function." I just wasn't myself, and I needed help getting mental-closure. Hang in there, mama. I can feel your pain as I type this, and see a lot of myself in you. Seek help and everything will work out in the end.

Answer 10

I'd rather hear it from him than someone else. Anyway, that's what a spouse is for, your both rub each other's rough edges away, through love and "sticking-together"ness. sometimes my hubby does or acts in a certain way which i see is not healthy, i tell him straight, in private. Why should I let my loved one do something detrimental to himself or our family? I'm sure he wants to help you through this. Your first reaction is a natural response, but I'm sure if you sit down and really think about it, you may feel differently.