Made a huge mess?

Question

I made a really stupid decisions?or maybe i should say a lot of stupid decisions.I got married right before i turned 21 yrs old and still in college.My husband was the perfect christian type guy that my parents and family had always wanted for me.He was almost done with him masters at age 26 and had a very good job at an insurance company.I was trying desperatley to forget my first love and bf who had been my first everything in HS(senior year).I had been on a few dates with other guys nothing serious and i even dated one guy for about a year but he moved to a different college so we broke up.My ex.bf came back to me for a fling i went along with it for a while and i ended it because it was taking its toll on me mentally /emotionally.My problem is even though my hubby is a good guy in his own way i dont feel in love with him?I feel for him as a close friend but no matter how i try i cant feel (love) in that way for him...Even after seeing a therapist a few times?

I fear that my therapist may be right that i married my husband as a emotional crutch?I have been married almost 1.5 and dont know what to do?

The fling took place before our marriage.

Answer 1

Get a divorce...NOW

Answer 2

I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make in their marriages is thinking that every single day or week or month or year of your married life you will feel crazy in love or even "in love".

In my opinion, the best thing that you can have in your life is a marriage to your best friend. In many cultures throughout history, marriage came first and love came later. Even many of our grandparents and parents married because it was the "right thing to do" or because their parents wanted them to marry this girl or that boy...now this is not to say that everyone was always overly joyus and sure there were some divorces...

But I guarantee you that if you ask any couple who has been married 30 or 40 or 50 years that you will find they are first and foremost good friends and they fell in love slowly over the years by being close and sharing lives together and children together and good times together and bad times together. This, I believe is TRUE love...not some fluttery feeling you get when your new crush cruises by...

You see the thing you had with your ex how emotionally draining it was? Well what happens is when you hit your 30's or 40's with that person (say you got married) you are so sick of the B.S., so burnt out that you get a divorce...that sort of intense crazy (often hormonal) love affair is not sustainable.

My father-in-law was married twice before to women that he was "in love with" and is now happily coupled with a woman who is first and formost his best friend...they have a deep and genuine, kind love for one another that is a model of respect and caring for my husband and myself.

You may have married this man as an emotional crutch, but that doesn't mean you can't work out the ways in which you have been emotionally weak within your marriage...

Don't give up on your marriage or your life with this man. This is your best shot at a successful partnership and if you leave him you will undoubtedly regret it for the rest of your life....

You may not see the value right now, but in a lifetime with someone, a year and a half is virtually nothing.

Answer 3

You need to get over your ex first, take him right out of your life. There is a reason you two are not together today, and although it may feel like it's not over yet - guaranteed things will never be the same way again. If he loved you so much, he would never let another man marry you.... he knows your feelings are still wrapped up in him and he is taking advantage of that.

Your new man can be the love of your life - you just need to relax, change your views on life, accept the best. He is not your ex, he never will be, but he has so many unique things to offer... quit comparing him to your ex. Find the beauty in this relationship and in this man (haha the only one willing to commit I might add), and your life will be so much better! It's scary letting someone else in to love you, especially when you thought in your heart and mind that the ex was "the one" - but it's so worth it!

I know this from experience, the more I let go of feelings from my first love, the easier and more fulfilling my current relationship is. I am falling deeper and deeper in love with this man the more I let myself.... I never cheated like you did, although temptation may have been there at one time. I am so thankful for the decision that I made... If I were to go back to the ex, there would be no committment, he couldn't love me the same, etc.

Answer 4

In order to feel love between you and your husband, you have to treat him with love. Going behind his back was not a very respectful thing to do and doesn't show even love for your husband as another human being.

My personal belief is that you need to be honest with your husband and you have to ask for his forgiveness. Then you can start to show him love the right way... just with the little things you can do for him in any given day. Soon enough, he will start showing you more love in doing little things for you as well. Those little things grow into big things and that grows into being in love.

Being "in love" is an infactuation rather than a feeling. The novelty is over but I am sure that you have only buried the love.

Answer 5

Don't torture yourself, get out before kids complicate it even more. There are too many unhappy marriages out there by people who married the wrong person and then for whatever reason felt trapped. If you feel this way after 1.5yrs imagine how you will feel at the 7-yr itch! IF you dont want a divorce, try a few affairs.

Answer 6

Time to cut off all contact with the ex. Get over him and start focusing on your husband.

Don't try to push love for your husband. You married him for a reason, and I doubt it was entirely as an emotional crutch (any therapist who would degrade your choice of husband like that is not worth seeing, if you ask me). You're probably simply pining for those days back in high school, but adult life is not like that.

You appreciate your husband for his hard work and because he cares for you. Keep looking at that. Talk with him. Enjoy your time with him. Eventually you'll build up that love again.

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 7

If you don't love him tell him. He might be hurt but he will thank you in the long run. Get a divorce and let him find someone that can love him back. You also desreve to love and be loved by someone you are married to. You should do it now instead of living a lie and wake up years later wishing you should have left a long time ago. Good luck and be happy

Answer 8

Tough one. I do not advise divorce, but usually do advise getting to know someone well and marrying only if you are certain. I think you married what other wanted and not what you wanted. Nonetheless, if he is a great guy try it out for a while and see if your feelings grow. give him a fair chance since you brought him into this marriage without being entirely honest about your feelings.

Answer 9

Didn't the vows you took mean anything to you. It wasn't just a formality you say those things and then go party. For your husband I say thanks for the knife in the back. I suppose the next thing you'll be saying is that you're pregnant, that's always a good way to stick the knife and then twist. Cause with your decision making so far I'm sure you weren't careful enough there either.

Answer 10

Step 1: Admit your affair
Step 2: Hope that you husband wants you to stay
Step 3: Seek counseling with your husband and work to build a marriage. Its like a house you cannot neglect it.

Seriously you have to tell him because he probably is living life to make you happy and no matter what you won't be happy with this hanging over you.

Answer 11

I think you owe your husband an honest attempt in finding the love with him that you should have for him...don't be too quick to give up....He is a good man and he deserves to be loved back...If you have tried EVERYTHING possible to find that love...and nothing has worked....then perhaps divorce would be your best option..No sense in wasting your life and his by staying in a marriage where you only have a friendship love...