Parents vs. Boyfriend?

Question

I've been with my current partner almost two years (I'm 24). I came out to my parents almost three years ago (about a year before I met my current partner). When I first came out, they made it clear that they weren't happy about the situation and that they were basically going to treat me the same, but they didn't have any interest in meeting anyone I'm dating.

Since that time, they have slowly gotten better but still do not want to meet anyone that I'm dating. I'm guessing it's easier for them to have a gay son if they don't have to actually *see* it.

Now that my partner and I have been together for two years, I want them to at least invite him to certain things. In this situation, if my parents say no, they don't want to meet my partner, what should I do? Obviously I'm not going to ditch the boyfriend, but at the same time I can't allow my parents to continue to pretend like I'm not gay. What would you do in this situation?

If you don't have anything nice to add, please refrain from commenting. Your hateful little "turn str8" remarks don't bother me.

Answer 1

You need to talk to your parents and let them know that how their ignorance is effecting your emotional happiness. Parents always say they just want their children to be happy. They need to understand that their behavior is making you unhappy, tell them that as adults they should know that people's actions always have consequences. This includes the actions that parents take on their adult children. If they continue this behavior that is emotionally unhealthy for you, then for the sake of your own emotional happiness you do not need them in your life. Make sure you let them know that you still want them in your life but it is their decision if that is going to continue.

Answer 2

Things like this are so difficult. I kind of know how you feel. I can never make my parents happy. I'm 20 and doing a degree course and working 30 hours a week. They have always said that if I am in education, and as long as I am working, I will not have to pay rent. But now, their argument is, that because I'm working so many hours, that I have too much disposable income and that I should contribute to rent. I dont' mind this, but it kind of conflicts their statement in the first place. Anyway, well done for finishing it with your boyfriend, it sounds like he wasn't right for you, and his behaviour is bang out of order. I dont' really know what to suggest with your parents, I dont' really understand my own nevermind anybody elses. I just don't think that parents have a clue what goes on, but make out that they know everything, and that they have to control every single movement. Hopefully now that you are home a little more, they will stop giving you hassle and stuff. I totally know what you mean about not wanting to be around your parents, I feel the same, I feel so unwanted, but I can't really go anywhere else, and I feel trapped. I really do hope that things get better for you, and I really am sorry that this answer hasn't really been much help, and has been more so me moaning about my life too. Good luck with everything. You haven't done anything wrong in my opinion, stay strong. xxx

Answer 3

Your parents sound like they will come around and be able to accept you & your boyfriend. Maybe they just need a bit more time...as there is no real set amount of time to deal with this kind of news. For now, if my boyfriend wasn't include in family functions, I would respectfully decline with the justification being that although gay, your boyfriend is a human being, with real feelings and although your parents are willing to disregard this, you on the other hand will not. Simply, and it usually comes down to this, you won't be part to any hateful display towards yourself and boyfriend and you'll be happy to stay away until they are able to remember the manners that they brought you up to have... and also the caring person they taught you to be. Good Luck with this...I know it can be hard and unfortunately parents sometimes make big mistakes when it comes to loving the kids. I have a good feeling this will all work out for you. D'n'D

Answer 4

My sister had a similar problem.

What they did was her partner would casually drop things, information, anecdotes from my sister to the parents. And my sister would pick her partner up from her family functions. While it is not quite the meeting thing, it gets them out of the 'Not Gay' scenario and brings it a little closer.

After a while, if there is a family occasion that your family really celebrates, say you do not want to be apart from your boyfriend, and offer to do a 1 year with his family, if the next year they are with your parents.

Basically, get a little face time between your parents and the boyfriend. But remember: it will not always work. Your parents may accept things after a while, or they won't.

Answer 5

I'm assuming you mean holidays and family function type things...
I would sit my parents down and tell them that it is important to you to be able to spend time with all of the people you care about during these special times. Your significant other has no problem being with the family, and hopefully they feel the same. If not, let them know that it is their decision and since they are the ones making things difficult you will be spending the holiday with your boyfriends family who is more understanding.

If they don't immediately understand, after a Christmas without you there they will quickly miss you and invite your bf with open arms to the next family event if that is what it takes to get you there.

Good luck!

Answer 6

If your parents love you as they say they do they will love you as you are and be happy that you are happy. Isn't that what love really means? I am not gay myself and I can kind of understand how your parents feel. But, their love for you should over come some of these feelings. I don't think it is realistic for you to ever expect them to be happy that you are gay though, sorry. A parent looks at their new born baby and has dreams for that child as soon as it is born. That dream doesn't include a gay lover, that's reality. Give them some time and I believe they will realize it isn't just a phase (what some parents think) you are going through. If they want to have you in their lives they will have to find a way to accept your relationship with this guy. Maybe if you brought him to your parents house for just short visits at a time and gradually let them get to know him. To them, right now, he is just a person that is a part of a lifestyle they don't approve of. If they got to know him as a person they would see he is a person with feelings and that he cares about you, just like they do. Don't wait for them to invite him. When you go to your parents house bring him with you. It may be awkward to start with, but it will get better as they get to know him.

Answer 7

I am not gay, but I have a sister, friends and cousin who are.

From my experience with them and parents who were less than completely accepting about it, it might help to take things slow.

Two years may seem slow to you, but to them it is a drop in the bucket compared to the 20 or so years they spent envisioning your future.

Can you ask them to dinner with your partner at his/your house? If not, maybe some place casual. Explain that not meeting your partner is not going to change your orientation and you would hate to have to choose between them and your partner and their family for holidays, etc.

Make sure to let them know you love them dearly and are thankful for their love.

Oh, and it might help if you let them know there will not be public displays of affection between you and your partner while they are there.
That might be one of the reasons they are afraid to meet him. They don't know what to expect.

My cousin brought his partner along as his "room mate" for years to family functions. His very religious, old fashioned grandparents didn't know for maybe 8 years that they were more than that. By the time they found out, his partner was already considered a loved family member, so they were much more accepting.
By the time they passed away, his partner was like another grandson to them.

Answer 8

Be happy that you're parents have not written you out of their life. Although, you both feel uncomfortable with the situation you are going to have to respect their choice as they have respected yours.

As a parent myself, if my child told me they were gay I would be hurt. No parent wants to see their child suffer and let's face it there is still a stigma with being gay. Also, if your parents have religious beliefs that say that being gay is a sin think how they must feel? My guess is if they do, they also have read the part about us all being sinners and have decided not to love you for being who you are.

Just be happy that you have the love your parents and a boyfriend and although you are being denied the intergration of relationships that you want, realize that you are lucky to have so much love in your life.

Save holiday dinners for your boyfriend's parents house and send your parents a beautiful holiday card of the both of you.

Answer 9

Well I believe that family is forever and that they should be top priority in our lives.... I think that having your family support you is important. With that being said, what I'd do if in your situation is talk to Mom. She's probably more open minded than Dad. I'd talk about your feelings and how important your partner is to you, as well as your family. Explain how you want to invite your boyfriend over to meet them, and in time that you want him to be included with family functions like holidays. Tell her you want to take baby steps, after all, this is the person that you love & loves you.

My last bit of advice is - if they open up and start allowing your boyfriend over to dinners, etc.... don't be physically affectionate in front of them. This really bothers the straight family members, and could cause a setback or make them change their minds about having him over. My sisters' girlfriend was all over my sister, which made my mom and dad nuts and embarassed in front of neighbors/friends at Christmas. Just thought I'd throw that in to hopefully help you out. Good luck.

Answer 10

What a sensitive subject.

You may want to reverse-wean them into the concept that you are gay.... Bring your partner along, but explain to him before the gathering that you will be addressing him as your friend, and not partner, I'm sure he wil understand, knowing the way your parents are trying to handle the situation.

Your parents will know he's your partner, but will appreciate that you have not rubbed it in their faces about your relationship. After they have met him and find him to be as delightful as you do, they will begin to come around. He could go and chat with your mother about things, that is always the best way to get in good with the family... you get the mom, you'll get the family...

I feel for your situation... it is just as hard on dads with daughters and their first serious boyfriends, too!!! My husband is adamant against most of the boyfriends my grown children are with.. He's just old-fashioned, and really homosexuality was not spoken about in your parent's childhoods so it is kind of new to them too.

I wish you luck with your life, and your family.