Am I being intolerant/paranoid or is my man taking me for a dumba$s?

Question

My man's in the process of getting divorced, has been separated for many months already. Ex wife & kids live in another city, 1.5-2 hours away from where we live. The b!tchy ex wife says she doesn't care about him anymore YET she continously threatens & blackmails him w/the kids, saying he doesn't care about them cuz he doesn't visit them anymore. He does, but now he arrives there by noon, stays with them all day long and comes back in the evening (never sleeps over). This is every 2 weeks. She finally made him feel guilty enough - also using the fact that his 6 yr old son is having rage episodes because of the father's absence - and he wants to spend "a couple of days" w/the kids AT THEIR HOUSE (i.e. with the ***** there too). I'm totally against the idea and he has complained that I'm too intolerant and don't support him, that he can't turn his back on his children (which I've never asked for) etc... I've never been an obstacle for him to see his kids, he can see them (continued...)

.....as often as he wants, the only thing I can't accept is that he goes back to that house as if he was still part of that family, cuz he isn't anymore. I think he can't deal with his guilt for not living with his kids anymore but I don't think I should accept that he sleeps over there -- I think the concept of "DIVORCE" is very obvious but he refuses to put an end to this "because his kids are suffering". Am I being really unreasonable? Does he have the right to want to do this and ask that I accept it? Am I just being paranoid by thinking that the ex wife can attempt to draw him back during his stay in her house? She says this is not what she wants but her actions show otherwise. I told him that if he stayed over there I'd break up with him. Am I just being too hard on him or am I right to stand up for what I want?

Answer 1

There's nothing wrong with voice your opinion.

However...

If the kids are having problems adjusting to life without daddy, he's got to be there for his kids. I've been in that situation and (speaking only for ME) it lead to a couple of divorce sex liasons. I'm sure it's not the case here - I don't know enough about the situation. If it's only two days, I don't really see the harm. as they get older, they'll need him less & less. Be patient. Good luck!

Answer 2

I've always believed that those who carry negative energy (as he is by pulling you into his messy divorce) can do no good. It truly sounds as if your life is more interrupted by all this chaos than his is. He is basically going to have to fess up to you and tell you the truth how he feels about you and how he feels about his family. It truthfully, and I know this will hurt, sounds like he has not stepped "out" of the relationship and no one but you seems to know he is getting a divorce except you. He needs time to deal with his emotions and his wife's emotion and those with his children. You cannot threaten him when it comes to his kids. If you do 9 times out of 10 you will lose.
Give him some space and let him go there. I would of course ask that he stay in a hotel/motel instead of the family home as that is just misleading both his kids, and his ex. Sometime, somehow he is going to have to explain to his kids that Mommy and Daddy aren't together anymore and we have to work things out in a more appropriate way.
I was in a very similar situation when I got divorced and my Hubby always came around "for the kids". I finally realized that he was having his cake and eatting it too and made up a schedule for visits that wouldn't take place at my home. It took time but it all worked out for the best.
He is the one who needs to start drawing the line and unfortunately until he does there is absoluetely nothing you can do unless you do leave. You're really between a rock and a hard space with a problem HE should be taking care of.
Best of Luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

You have a right to expectations and your own feelings. He has a point about the kids though in that they should come first now and always. Does he have a place to take the kids to that he doesn't have to stay there to see them? Or what is the deal. Maybe he should seek professional advice since it may mess the kids up more that daddy is home then not home then home and they are constantly getting their hopes up that he is home to stay then have them dashed when he leaves again. I am not sure the b!tchy ex-wife is using them for leverage or just needs help managing their reactions and meeting their additional needs at this rough point in their lives. It may be better for him to establish a relationship with the kids outside of the "family / marriage home". While I do think you are not being unreasonable he is going through a rough time and is feeling torn apart about the kids. If you cannot reach a compromise that is best for the kids then maybe it wasn't meant to be - this is just the beginning. I don't blame you for being against him staying there with his ex, but you cannot control what he does and feels anymore than he can control you. He probably is not taking you for a dummy, but trying to juggle a lot of things without knowing how.

Answer 4

He must do everything he can to make sure his kids are okay...but sleeping over is not a part of it. He knows that this is some bs...it's giving the kids a false sense of security. He has to be strong enough to draw the line somewhere when it comes to his ex. If he doesn't then it's more than guilt for the kids. I speak from experience because I once was the wife who had to deal with the ex wife, and I am now also the ex-wife. He knows that she is milking the situation for more and the fact that he's letting her speaks volume about his weakness when it come to her. Either there are some unresolved feelings or even guilt about something he has done to her. This is one of the main reasons you should not deal with someone who is "going thru" a divorce. he should not be in a relationship with you when he has not resolved the last one legally or emotionally. And now he's having to juggle his loyalties between you, her, and most of all the children when that is something that should have already been taken care before he started a relationship with you. And you will get the short end of the stick and all the blame for not understanding. You are going to have to either deal with it and hold your tongue until all this is resolved or step away from the relationship until it is resolved so that you can have peace. Either way, the ball is in his court and he is the one who is going to have to make the decision about how he is going to continue to handle this and it seems as though he feels nothing is wrong with the way he's handling it. So the question is do you leave until it's resolved or do you stay and hold your tongue?

Answer 5

You are setting yourself up for failure in your own relationship with this man. If he feels guilty about not being around his kids enough and then you are pressuring him (whether right or wrong) he will leave you and go see his kids when he wants to. You are correct to feel a little weird about him staying the night there. He will always be a part of that family but you are right saying he shouldn't stay the night. But an ultimatum saying if he does it you will leave is not the way to work it out. That is how relationships and marriages end. Just sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel when he stays the night over there and suggest alternatives. Ask him to stay at a motel or to bring the kids home with him for the weekend. Just give ideas and try to work it out that way. Ultimatums that have him deciding whether to see his kids or stay with you will NEVER work.

Answer 6

you have a good man, a man that seems as if he will do any thing for his kids, and that is hard to come by. the thing is; he is a part of that family still. he always will be, those are his kids and that woman, no matter how much of a b*tch she is, that is those kids mother. You don't know her side of the story. it is hard dealing with children alone after you had some one there 2 help b4. and think, they are still going through the process of a divorce, so it is still new for them all. it seems to me that you may have to take a step back while this adjustment process takes place. if it was meant to be for the 2 of u it will all fall into place, if not move on, it just seems like 2 much drama right now, drama u shouldn't have to dael with.

Answer 7

Frankly, if you feel that staying the night there has a potential to "draw" him back, you're better off breaking up with him right here right now. If he's THAT much on the fence about his divorce, he isn't ready for a new relationship - and you shouldn't be caught in the middle while he's still undecided. It's not fair to him OR to you.

If you believe that he is ready to move on - what's the big deal of him staying the night there for the sake of his kids? His ex might be bitchy, but this isn't about him or about her - it's about the kids, and he needs to do what he needs to do to make things easier for the kids. If I were him, I would already tell you to hit the road. Kids come first, and he really, REALLY doesn't need two women trying to blackmail him into something. Let him do what HE feels is right in his situation. If you can't be patient and supportive, you have no business dating a newly divorced guy with kids. Find someone without the baggage if you can't deal with it.

Answer 8

When another woman is involved and has his kids, it will never be easy. She is jealous that he is with you and she has noone, although her kids should be enough and her only priority, not ruining your relationship. I feel bad for the kids, because they do not know any better, maybe they are having a hard time dealing with it all. I dont think he should be forbidden see his children as they should come first before anyone, however, him sleeping there should not be an option if he is in a relationship with you. He needs to grow up, be a man, get his own place and share custody. As for you, I think your feelings are natural, but I think it would be best to let him figure things out until he gets things situated and gets his act together as well. The guy...that left me....had a child with a one night stand before we met. She is the reason why he stopped talking to me. She came back into his life becasue of the child, but she made her move on him. he basically told me never to call him again while I was ill in the hospital. Now they are no longer together, but he will not speak to m, and I cant understand how someone can forget about someone like they never existed.....just like that.

Anyhow, I hope everything works out for you and thanks for your answer to my question.

Answer 9

I'll take it you don't have any kids of your own. It's very hard to see your kids upset because their father is not around and as a mother you try to do everything possible to make them feel better. I don't know if she is still in love with your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is living with you and is telling you that he is over his ex and you trust him that allow him to spend more time with his kids. Does she not want the kids to spend the night with him because of you?

I don't think it's fair to call her a ***** either. I'm sure she's upset that the man that she loves/loved and the father of her children is starting a new life with someone else. To her it probable seems way to soon to already have moved on since their divorce is not yet final. I would be a ***** too, especially if the new woman had to be around our children. Remember there are always two sides to every story and you are only listening to your boyfriends side and of course he's going to make her look like a ***** and himself like a saint.

Answer 10

My Partner has been separated for three years from his estranged wife and he has custody of their child. He spends nights over his estranged wife's house so their child can spend time with the mum.
He hates it but he loves his child and knows how important it is that their child have a healthy relationship with mum.
I think you do no know your place. You are his girlfriend and you knew he had children before you became involved with him. Your controlling behavior and interference will in his relationship with his children will drive him away. If it does not drive him away it will ultimately ruin his relationship with his kids, so his has some serious decisions to make.
If you place all the energy into loving and supporting your boyfriend instead of interfering in business that is non of your concern and causing dramas in an already difficult situation you may have a relationship worth something.
Your boyfriend is correct. He has to do something he probably does not feel great about so he can support his children and he needs some one to support and love him through these trials, someone secure and confident and helpful. Someone who is not you!

Answer 11

You are in a situation which annoys you... you don't have control and seem to want some, which makes it worse. Plus you don't trust your guy, if you don't feel he will be faithful while spending a couple days at his ex's house.

When we get involved with someone in the process of divorce, and who has kids, we either have to roll with the punches, or OPT OUT of it all together.

You can't really dictate what your man does... but i don't understand why he just doesn't take the kids on weekends at HIS house when he can?

Normally, visitation is set up for the non custodial parent to have the kids on school breaks (such as christmas vacation, spring break and part or all of summer, plus some weekend time.) When distance is a factor, this arrangement usually works out ok.

another thing you need to remember is that there is bitterness when there is a divorce, almost 100% of the time, so why are you surpised that the ex wife to be is b itchy? this is common.. and control and manipulation is as well. You need to accept it... or move on. and IGNORE the wife person... otherwise, you will go insane allowing her to control your emotions.

Maybe this guy isn't ready for another committment yet? he's not even divorced... a person going through divorce has to readjust to life, take time to grieve their losses. do you think he's done this? I don't.