For any women who are abused?

Question

I don't really understand domestic abuse that well but understand that you lose complete confidence in yourself and are scared to leave. what i am wondering is does anyone out there who has had an abusive partner blame themselves for choosing these partners? What about when you have children do you feel guilty that you brought children into a violent environment or are almost in denial when the situation is going on where you believe things will get better?

Answer 1

Yes to all the above.

Answer 2

This is a tough question to answer. I am not sure what emotion I would label it - about staying or "choosing" to be with someone who is abusive. In the beginning it is not generally abusive, but slowly rears its head. One becomes more and more tolerant of what is going on. I remember I would say "oh, I would never allow myself to be called this or that." Well, I would take the apologies, make an excuse and slowly I found myself doing that with other more violent things. I felt trapped and helpless and with that brought some anger at myself for not being more courageous to do something....anything. I guess I thought it would get better. It is a complex dynamic....the very person who hurt me terribly was also the one who would come around (eventually) to comfort me. Realize there is a secret around abuse, so I felt isolated. This person knew what was going on and in a sense could bring some comfort after it was "back to normal." I know....twisted in a way (ok big way looking back on it), but that is a huge reason why women stay - that dynamic.

I knew what was going on so it wasn't so much about denial like "oh that isnt happening." I downplayed the potential threats and potential for serious damage.

I never understood domestic violence until i was in it. Really. It seemed odd that women would stay, but until I walked in those shoes I had a naive approach..."oh just leave!" If it were that easy......

Answer 3

I am only 16, but I have been in a bad relationship like you are talking about. I hope I can answer your question right.

It is not that we are scared to leave. There is just that small hope that he will get better. Even though the bad GREATLY outweighs the good, everry time he does something good(no matter how small) we consider that a sign that everything is okay.

At first I totaly blamed myself. I thought that I was doing something wrong. So I tried my best to do everyhting that he said just to make him happy. There were things that I was forced to do that I will never forget. I didn't get pregnant, but if I did and I did have a kid. I would have never forgiven myself for bringing a child into the situtation. I am only 16 and if I had a kid now I would not be able to support it. I would try my best, with the help of my family though.

It took forever for me to break up with said guy. I thought that I would never find anyone else. So yes I did lose self-confidence. But after I did break up with him, I felt free. I have been single for awhile now. Not that I haven't had offers. I just don't want to put myself in that position yet. I try to think that not every guy is like him. It is hard but I have actually found someone that I trust. Maybe that will develop into a relation ship and maybe it wont. The important thing is I have someone to talk to.

(By the way it took me 1year and a half to break up with him) I hope that I helped!!! Special K~*

Answer 4

Part of the answer to this question, I repeated to another question, but I feel it important to tell it again.

I married a man, who four years later became an alcaholic.
I became a "battered wife" as they call it now. By that time I had started adopting babies (from birth) babies of all races. Four years later I had five beautiful children. They were not not touched by my ex, but they did see SOME of the abuse directed at myself.

It is a long story, but I eventually divorced my ex and married again. Two years later I had my first pregnancy, a girl and "then I had six".

The point to this is--------My children are now adults with their own children. My 2nd husband was the best father in the world to them, never a step-dad but a Dad. Yes, they were effected by my first husbands treatment of myself, but because I handled it in the best positive way I could, it never hurt them emotionally.

I left my ex, with five young children. I got on a bus and I packed Christmas presents and a small t.v. We travelled 400 miles and arrived at the other end, well and happy.
If I had stayed with this ex my life would have ended and my children would not have grown up to be the wonderful parents they are now.

When I look back I CANNOT BLAME my ex for anything. You know why?

If my ex had NOT been able to have children, we would never have adopted.

If he hadn't been an abusive husband I never would have left.
If I hadn't have left, I wouldn't have met my second husband.
If I hadn't left my second husband I would never ever, have had the family that I ended up with.

We have to make choices in our lives, and sometimes we don't realize that making a certain choice will lead us into a certain consequence.

If, If, If.! Everything has led me to where I am now and where my children and grandchildren are now. Happy, successful (in their own way) and content I am thankful for all I went through in my life, starting in my childhood and I would not change anything, not even the abuse, because that led me to where I am today. I do not feel guilty, because my children are better off now because I decided to run.

An abused woman HAS to realize that she doesn't have to live her whole life under those circumstances. It is all very well for me to say "Get up and go" but it has to be that this woman has to get strength within herself to KNOW that she doesn't deserve abuse. If I can run, with hardly any money., with five children under the age of 9, and make a wonderful life for them and myself, because I fled, then anybody can do the same thing. The woman MUST know, that she deserves better and some women have such low self esteem that they Have no strength left.

It is not just the battering of the body, it is battering of the mind also. You are a rotten mother. You look disgusting, You are no good to anyone. etc. etc. trying to make them lower than themselves.

Nothing will ever improve under those circumstances and the children's mental and physical lives, are at stake.

Answer 5

No, you don't blame yourself, you just don't realize you missed so many warning signs of an abusive relationship. Like if they are controlling, you don't always recognized that as abuse, its not until things get real bad then you realize what a mistake you made. But by then, they have made you feel like they are watching every move you make, so it's hard to get out because you think even if you leave they will find you. You're scared to leave because they put in your head they can get you and will harm you even more, you get paranoid thinking that any one will call him and say hey I saw your girl leaving she went this way. Or something crazy like that. You start to think every stranger on the street is someone he knows and will tell on you. Crazy things but its true, that is why a lot of women don't leave, they know its not going to get better, but they are scared of how much worse it will get if they try to leave. Not realizing how much better it will be once they have left the abuse.

Answer 6

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years, i was 14 when we got together and didnt know that relationships werent like that, i come from a single parent house hold, it was too late before i realised that the physical and mental abuse wasnt normal, by the time i had realised i had no contact with my family and friends and no confidence in myself at all, most of the mental abuse was based on me being worthless and how i should have been grateful to be with him, i didnt realise at the time that he had complete control of my life, i just accepted it as the norm, even now 4 years on from finally escaping and i still struggle to make simple decisions, this is going to sound really bad but sometimes when things get really tough and i get stressed out i almost regret getting away from him because he took charge of my life and i didnt have to do anything - even things as simple as what i want with my jacket potato at lunch, its hard to explain to people who havent been through it but from going to having no control over anything to trying to rebuild your life is really hard and scary and sometimes it seems easier to go back to the way things where. Hope my rambling helped answer your question.