Is it time for a divorce? Any ideas on how to make "us" better?

Question

We have been together for 10 years. We do no thave kids. I am at the end of my rope with her. All she does is complain about how horrible her job is and that nobody likes her. This is the 4th job, but finally a career, and every where she has gone it has been the same. I am as supporitve as i can be but can no longer take all the complaining. I think she is depressed and wont do anything around the house. She needs to study for tests and ends up watching TV, eating or falling asleep. She accuses me of sneaking around, but i dont. We both work full time and i take classes 2 nights/week. I can see she is not happy, and i know i am not. I dont sleep well anymore and i started smoking again after 6 years after quitting. She keeps in touch with her family from another culture and complains about how my family is. I dont think i can take this much longer. When i tell her how i feel she gets angry with me for expressing myself, so i dont anymor.Any ideas on how 2 make it better

She is in counseling and refuses to take "happy pills", and i dont blame her 4 that. We have gone together to see her counselor. the first 8 years were wonderful it is just the last 2 that have really changed. We do go out, we do spend "Quality time" together. the only other people she is seeing is her recently re-united family from a different culture.

I dont blame her for me smoking again, that is my decision. She is done with school and is trying to pass state boards, which she hasnt passed the last few times. She has earned her bachelors degree and is workin in that field. Here previous jobs, not including being a full time student, were only for $ so she could pay some bills, have some cash and knew that they were not going to be permanent jobs. I do a majority of the house work and that has been fine because she needs her time to study, which she isnt. She will complain about her weight, then eat a package of chip, cookies and when i say something to her about it she only gets mad at me. To me, she has changed over the years, as we all do. It just isnt for the better.

Answer 1

Nobody on here can really offer the best insight, because people on here don't know either or you and generally aren't experts. Having said that, there's a few things about your question that stood out:.

Your remark that you started smoking again suggests you're blaming her for your returning to smoking. That makes me wonder if you're blaming her for other things she's not responsible for as well.

If she needs to study for test and for some reason can't, that's really her problem and not yours. She may be exhausted from work, depressed, or just in desperate need of not having a little free time to sleep or relax. In any case, its her problem or her decision; and it shouldn't be an issue for you. You have your own stuff to be keeping up with. This one sounds like you've put yourself in a position of having a right to have an opinion about whether she studies or doesn't, and many people would say what she does is up to her. The consequences will be hers, but maybe she can't do more or maybe she's not worried about the consequences.

Unhappiness, being stressed out, and/or being exhausted aren't the same as clinical depression. She may know she's unhappy but also know that there's a reason and that the only solution therapists usually offer is anti-depressants (which aren't right for the person who isn't depressed and is, instead, just unhappy).

People who work full-time and go to school nights (both of you, as you said) get exhausted. If you're doing all the housework that isn't fair to you, but if you see the majority of chores as things she ought to be doing that's not fair to her.

Also, she probably knows you're not too thrilled with much about her these days, so that could be de-motivating to her as well.

Accusing you of "sneaking around" if you're not is wrong of her. Its lousy to be accused of doing something you're not doing. I wonder, though, if she knows how unhappy you are with her and has assumed there must be someone else.

Keeping in touch with her family is a good thing. Complaining about yours isn't, although there's a chance they do something that warrants the complaints. If they don't then she shouldn't complain, and even if they do she should respect you enough not to talk about them to you. Maybe you could tell her that much.

Complaining about her job: Maybe she does have a horrible job. Maybe she just needs to vent. Maybe she thinks she "just talking about what goes on" and you're seeing it as "complaining". She may believe you're the one person she can feel free to say what she needs to say to vent about the job. Sometimes when people vent someone else thinks they want them to do something about the problem. That's not always the case. Maybe you could just tell her calmly that for now you're going through your own stuff and just can't listen about her job for a while.

Your remark that this is "the 4th job, but finally a career" suggests you're dissatisfied with any career aspirations she may not have shown until now. When people have to take rotten jobs they don't love the odds of being miserable in them are good. If she's taking night classes that suggests that she doesn't already have her dream job (and neither do you). You're both probably exhausted, unhappy with whatever your jobs are, and hoping to have a nicer life with more education.

When you "express yourself" are you really expressing yourself, or is it more a matter of rattling off a list of things about her you don't like.

She's got family from another. That tells me her culture may be more verbal about things like what they don't like about their job or louder during discussions (as when you try to "express yourself"). There's a chance you and she have fundamental cultural differences to work out.

Well, those are my remarks. I don't know you and don't know her. I've tried to point out what could, possibly, be "her side" in case it offers you any insight into where she may be coming from. I'm not suggesting she's "all right" and you're "all wrong". Its just that I thought a devil's advocate type approach may offer you more insight. (I have to admit, you lost points with the blaming her for the smoking thing, though. That's the thing that made me think you're not necessarily a victim here.)

Answer 2

Have you tried marriage counseling? I know it can get expensive, but a lot of times, your church will offer free programs that could really help you out.
She may definitely be depressed. It really sounds like it from the complaining about the job, that no one likes her, the lack of motivation and the laziness. Those are all signs of depression. Maybe you should encourage her to see a doctor for medication or at very least, to try some holistic approaches. Studies have shown that a balanced diet and exercise and exposure the the sunlight can all aid in reducing depression symptoms. Maybe the two of you could work out together or at very least, take a walk together three or four times a week. Agree that on the walks, you can only discuss good things. No arguments or issues b/c this will cause you to dread the walks.
I am not being mean when I say this, but you can't blame your wife for your starting smoking again. That was your choice. No one can make you start smoking again. Trust me, I know that people can make you WANT to smoke again. I have a marriage that definitely has issues and two small children. Goodness knows I would love to suck down a pack a day, but I realize that its just not healthy. The walking could help you curb that as well.
If you try the counseling and she gets some help for her depression, and you're still not happy, then maybe you should try a trial seperation. If you are happier apart, then divorce may be your next step. But you owe yourself and your marriage to at least try and work things out. Marriage is hard work. No one ever said it was a piece of cake. I really hope things work out for you. God Bless.

Answer 3

The only answer I can come up with is think about what made you want to marry her. What was it about her that you fell in love with? Are any of those qualities still there? I think sometimes people get caught in a "rut" and don't realize what they are projecting onto their partner. I know you mentioned that when you talk to her she gets angry at you, but maybe she feels like you are putting her down or something. My suggestion would be to plan an evening together, during this time in a very respectful way tell her why you fell in love with her. Then tell her that she seems so unhappy with every aspect of her life that it makes you unhappy. Ask her if she is happy with you and if she says yes tell her it doesn't appear that way and she needs to show you she's happy a little more in order for you to feel like you have a loving relationship. Obviously something is bothering her and she needs to realize how she's portraying that to you. If she gets angry during this discussion just lay it on the line and tell her you felt like this needed to be discussed because the only other thing you know to do is get a divorce and you thought maybe you two could get to the bottom of all the turmoil and make things better instead of splitting.

Answer 4

I hate divorce. I really do. This sometimes happens in a culturally different marriage it either works or it don't. If you say that you want a divorce and she says that she does not and would be willing to try couples therapy go if you love her. If not then the two for you should part now while you are young enough and remarry later. But use this as a last option couples are so easy to give up and get a divorce. Then find out is an extremely emotionally painful process. But if the marriage is worse than you have to do what you have to do.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like she needs to get therapy of some sort, and you guys need marriage counseling, badly. She's showing signs of clinical depression, which could make things worse and impossible to fix. You could get a divorce, but you have to ask yourself one question and think long and hard about it before you give yourself an answer...do you still love her? If the answer is yes, then try to make it work and explore every avenue you have to make it better. If you don't love her anymore, divorce is the best and only option you have. Since you have no children together, it will not be as bad as most divorces are. What really matters in the end is your happiness and that's what you have to remember. Two people staying in a relationship where both of them are not happy is not fair to either person.

Answer 6

I think that you two can work this out. I mean you have been together for 10yrs already and you don't want to just let that go to waste. I think that you two have a lot of stress and she is basically telling you everything. Try to find some time to go on dates and talk about things. Maybe if you let her know how you feel things can work out. Let her know how much you love her and tell her how you feel about EVERYTHING. It might help her open her eyes and see what it is that this is doing to your marriage. Communication is the key to all relationships and I know that if you both can do this you can do anything. I mean come on you have done it for 10yrs stick together and nothing will ever come between. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

Divorce would be the easy way out. However, there is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. You guys need to stop doing the extra work load you have put on yourself and give yourselves a break to work on your marriage. Take a vacation somewhere and relax and start talking how you need to bond and look after each other. It is possible that your wife is showing more insecurity in her behaviour and she is stressed more but you can help her to control it. She should stop all activities and concentrate on one thing only, that is if work then work, if school then school. If needed to quite all and concentrate on the marriage then marriage. Do what is necessary to get her back on track. Start caring for her and she will respond.

Answer 8

To be honest, and i hate myself for saying it, but in this situation i believe the best thing is maybe a divorce, but if you do love her, just take a week or 2 apart go on holiday but without her, just to relax, it is a strain on any marriage if you have to put up with complaining all the time.
You should also just tell her that you are fed up with the complaining, and it is making you unhappy, and if her complaining is making you unhappy then maybe it wasn't the right thing.
As for the smoking stop it, i know it is easier said than done, as i am trying to quite myself, and take up a sport, maybe get a mate from work and go to a gym and play a few games of squash with them.
Make time for yourself to chill out with out her. I know it sounds nasty, but it is a thing i have learnt through all the marriages i have seen.
I hope this gives you some help on this difficult situation, and i hope you do what is best for you.

Answer 9

Let me also try after everyone has.
Your tone suggests you have already moved apart...mentally.
You don't like her anymore.
You don't like the fact that she keeps in touch with her family "from another culture" (how insulting is that!).
She accuses of sneaking around, you deny.
You don't have kids even after 10 years. Why? Is it because of some medical problem with her/you, or you don't love her anymore, or is it a mutual decision?

Unless one hears both side's version it is difficult to gauge the situation correctly and give any kind of useful advice that could make your life better.

For starters, you can ask yourself if you really love her (still) or just putting up with her. She has sensed your lack of interest in her (her complaint that nobody likes her includes you also). If you want to give your marriage a chance, then express your love more freely, make her feel wanted, appreciated and don't resent her meeting with her family (from another culture). No girl likes that. Many a times not having kids of her own also weighs upon a girl's mind. You are a better judge of the situation.

Since she is depressed and you are the saner one, and asking for ideas, I feel the onus lies on you to make or break....Best Wishes to both of you!!!

Answer 10

You must Love this Woman a lot to put up with her, complaining and bickering. I am Sorry to tell you that if you stay with her, the problems you are having with her, is not going to get better, but Worse. maybe as you say she is depressed and needs to see a Doctor as soon as possible, if you mention this to her and she decides she is not going to go to one, than, I would suggest that you move away, from her side, because if you stay you will eventually start hating her, or worse loose your sanity, this way, if after a while she does decide to go see a doctor, for her Depression, then, you will be there for her, to make her see you care and Love her,and wants what is best for the two of you. Good luck, and I hope that things will work for the better, for both of you.