Is getting divorced the easy way out, why not try to work on it?

Question

What I am going to say may sting some people but my opinion on relationships will be broad so bog down with me. In the beginning of relationships, your mate is willing to do anything for you, the newness of a fresh relationship feels good because we can camouflage many of our flaws and only allow your mate to see the good side. This misleads and becomes is a mirage, a mask that your mate falls in love with. In theory, when things go wrong, (which it will eventually) the person that you thought you knew, you really don’t know. Their actions are something that you’ve never seen before, rationality is out the door, my way or the highway is in overdrive! In these types of relationships, the couple only brought themselves in halfway, which will always lead to destruction of a relationship. People like to hit the EASY BUTTON, Instant gratification seems to be the way of society, Aside from drug and alcohol abuse, and infidelity, why do people just give up? www.overstand.o-f.com

Answer 1

I married at 22 years of age with only one long term boyfriend under my belt. I had been dating my husband 3 years prior to our marriage so it wasn't like we were jumping into anything. We had two children now 15 and 17, our oldest graduating this year. The last few years have been very, very hard. When we get into our later years we look back on our lives and realize what it is that is not only important to our happiness, but we also realize what it is that is making us miserable or is toxic to our lives. During my marriage I saw the signs of, passive aggressive behavior, irrational behavior, lack of compassion, and the inhability to take responsability for ones actions within my husband grow through the years. Either that, or I simply found them less exceptable as I grew. He would come home feel the need to vent about the car that cut him off that morning on the way to work, remembering the color, model and even sometimes the driver. After 17 years, out of nowhere, he started to leave the toilet seat up and when asked why, he would go off on how a toilet seat comes with a lid there for it should be used each and every time. He even once took all the dishes after dinner out of the side sink ready for the dishwasher and placed them individually spread out all over the counter because he felt some weren't rinsed off well enough. When I try to reason with him its like talking to a child. As I asked him nicely where I should place his electronics and boxes which had been left on the bar for a week so that I could make a drink for guests, he went off about how since he paid for most of our living expenses he deserved at least 10% of house to lay his stuff arround. I tried to reason with him as I would an adolesent that electronics should be placed where electronics should be placed and the bar should be used to make drinks. It never got through to him, he just kept trying to rationalize his reasonings until i simply refused anymore confrontation. Thinking back, I really should have left him 13 years ago when after having a vacectomy he didn'nt go in for his sperm count thinking as long as we follow the written procautions it wasn't needed. So we had sex and I got pregnant. I was horrified. We had two children ages 2 and 4 and we were in finacial ruin with a reposessed van and a chance losing our home because he chose to change careers for a less paying job while my full time income was limited. He went in for the sperm count and the doctor never called back. My husband finally called him back with the doctors response " It looks pretty good". What the hell does that mean? Looks pretty good? Well, pretty good wasn't good enough for me so I put myself on the pill. After a year of being on the pill without any cause, my husband asked me if I was cheating because there was no reason to be taking birthcontrol since his vasectomy and sperm test was cleared a year earlier. He convinced me that the pregnancy was just a fluke. For some reason, I felt the need to prove myself no doubt to ease his mind, so I stopped taking the birth control pills and one week later I was pregnant. I took 3 tests then went into hysterics calling my husband at work hysterically crying and asking him how this could happen. I even called his doctor screaming. My husbands response when he got home? You must be cheating on me. The guys at work thought so,so there you go. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'm calling him crying , demanding that he talk to his doctor and take a new sperm test and here Im left with an unwanted pregnancy that I alone had to deal with yet again and he's now accussing ME of cheating? Shortly after he asked my best friend if she knew if I where cheating on him and she was so upset she told him screaming, that if I where cheating on him, why the hell would I tell him knowing he had a vasectomy with sperm test and knowing that it could be someone elses child? She said "trust me, if she was cheating on you and got pregnant, you would have never known about it." Did that convince him? No,he wanted a paternity test done on the fetus. There was so much pain losing the first one that I couldn't believe I had to go through it again and now it's worse. But I had to. Oh, and try convincing the doctor and nurse whom you've seen twice now that your not a cheater and the truth of what is actually happing to you. Looking back, im not sure if the way they looked at me was accusative, or simply disgusted that I would go so far. I was so humiliated and hurt. And I did nothing wrong. I had to hold the dead baby inside me for 10 days to get the unaffordable $900.00 paternaty test done. The results came back and I sat it on the table unopened. As he walked in from work I told him it was there on the table and he asked me if I had looked at it. I told him I didn't have to, I already knew the answer but if he HAD to there it was. So he walked over and the SOB opened it and all he could say was "Well, what would you think?" Now angry, My husband called the doctor who suprisingly said, " whats wrong? Is your wife pregant again?" That SOB doctor. He knew all along and lied about he first sperm test to cover his arsh. So my husband took another sperm test through another doctor and it tested postitive.The Doctor MISRA of Castro Valley apparently forget to cut one side. Of course he tried to say that it grew back together but the facts and timeline prove otherwise. When My husband went to a different doctor for another vacetomy the doctor showed my husband how the tube was fully attached and that there was no sign of scar tissue but refused to testify against Dr. Misra in court thus we had no case. And still after all these years, he still doesn't get the pain and heartache he put me through. So there after, I carried on as the robotic wife. Why? obviously looking back, self-esteem issues, not knowing any better, excepting that this is the way it is, or hopefull that it was going to get better. I knew marriage was work but up until now, I didn't reallize how overworked I was. When we are young, we think we know what we need and even who we are but the reality is, we really don't. We learn as we go. We live our youthful lives in a cloud of experiences that help bring us to the clear blue sky of reality of what it is to be true to ourselves and in return, to others. When the person you married is no longer the person you want to be married to, and neither of you can make the other happy. It's not giving up,nor pushing the EASY BUTTON for everyone. For some like myself, divorce is now self preservation. Now at 42, I am getting out while I still have time to live my life the way that makes ME happy. Selfish? If you believe that then fine. But after half of my life living for him, I believe I deserve the rest of my life for myself and my children. Cali 65

Answer 2

It's sad to see in here all the support for ending marriages. Just pick any "should I divorce?" question and look at the bandwagon of "YES, leave the bum" responses. It seems marriage has lost its sacredness in the publics eye.

In my view, divorce is too often (as you stated, "the Easy button") the path taken instead of actually trying to work out your problems. This is linked to the continual loss of morality in our US society today. It's very sad, and, I believe, will lead to the eventual destruction of our great country. To those who may think that this is an extreme view, just look how our moral compass has changed over the past 50 years. What will the next 50 years bring? The anti-establishment "love children" of the 1960's have grown into the "me generation". Now their children, have further de-evolved to a....well, I can't find the words, but they openly disrepect authority figures without consequence, disrupt classrooms with impunity, call each other "bi*ches and ho's" as part of the normal venacular...etc. What will this generation beget?

Answer 3

For exactly the reasons you stated!! People don't take the time to get to know each other before they jump into Marriage !!! Sad isn't it !! You Never someone until you Live with them. I think all couples should have a short stint of "living together" before making the ultimate commitment. And for some reason, people don't seem to take "Marriage" as seriously as it really is. Marriage isn't Easy, and there is A Lot of Give and Take ! It's a daily process. And when couples are standing up before God and their family and friends they should listen carefully to "what promises/vows" they are making. And their "friends and families" are also vowing to HELP the couple stay together. People just don't LISTEN ! They just go through the motion. Hence, when things get rough, then they want to slap that EASY BUTTON.

Answer 4

Yes indeed, why not try to work it out. With communication as the key to a successful marriage I think many marriages fall apart because they haven't mastered that skill. If you want to be heard say what you mean and mean what you say. If you are accusing and disrespectful your partner will more then likely tune you out.
Often we have expectations that are not communicated but then we hold the other person responsible for not filling our expectations that were never communicated. When our expectations haven't been met we punish the other person; sometimes by withdrawing love, sometimes by lashing out.
You need to be at a level of self love, it's not about finding the perfect mate or you being the perfect mate. You need a partner to enhance your life not to validate who you are.

Answer 5

Because real love was never a part of the equation? Because they rushed into a decision that they shouldn't have? Because, as you said, they didn't REALLY know each other before they got married and when the worse part of for better or worse came into play they didn't know how to handle it? Because they fall out of love? Because one person is not a supportive parent and one is stuck doing all the child rearing so they may as well be a single parent without the aggravation? Because one person feels they have the right to control the other persons movements on this earth? Because they are too critical of one another? They don't listen to each other? They aren't friends? They cease to be lovers? The possible reasons for wanting out are endless! Some people marry too young before they're complete themselves and they are completely incapable of taking care of themselves let alone another person. I do think people are too willing to throw in the towel, but then again life is too short to relive a mistake for the rest of your life and it is better to be happy.

Answer 6

The easy button is now an American standard. A relationship should be explored in greater depth before entering into marriage. People rush in and marry the facade without really knowing the person behind the curtain. Too many games are played and people are afraid to be honest.

Answer 7

wow, I totally agree with you! I think one thing is you need to see all aspects of a person before you commit to marriage. You need to know how they handle different situations, and they need to see the same. I also think that communication has gone by the wayside, which is why alot of marriages fail. For instance, people are on here asking for advise instead of talking to their spouses the way they should be. The computer is such an easy mask to hide by anymore. I think even in the case of drug/alcohol abuse, exhaust all possibilities and options before you make divorce the only option.

Answer 8

I personally don't think the high divorce rate has anything to do with instant gratification. Perhaps the declined in morales and values of the average American but not because we are expecting instant and constant happiness. The average American doesn't stay at a job for 20 years anymore either; that can't be link to the need for Instant gratification either...

Answer 9

Yeah, I was in a short relationship where I noticed these things. No I didnt marry him! After about 4 months, when he got comfortable with me, I was like..."Who are you?!" Thank goodness I got out of that one! Divorce is deffinately at a crazy high rate these days. I think people have lost the true meaning of marriage, and find it easier to just get out of the marriage rather than work out the problem.

Answer 10

Health may fade faster for people in bad marriages.

That's what University of Texas sociology professor Debra Umberson, PhD, and colleagues report in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.

Umberson's team studied 1,049 continuously married people across the U.S. who took surveys in 1986, 1989, and 1994.

Participants rated their health and marriage quality. Over time, self-rated health dipped for everyone. The decline was faster in people in bad marriages, especially in old age.

"Unhappily married individuals have yet another reason to identify marital difficulties and seek to improve marital quality: Their very health may depend upon it," Umberson's team writes.

Good Marriage, Bad Marriage
Research has repeatedly linked strong social relationships to better health. Marriage is the most important social relationship for health, but wedding rings don't guarantee good health, note Umberson and colleagues.

"While the married exhibit better health than the unmarried, it is not the case that any marriage is better than no marriage," the researchers write. "The quality of relationships is also linked to health."They cite these findings from other experts:

Married people in distressed marriages are in poorer health than those in nondistressed marriages.
People in low-quality marriages show greater health risk than divorced people.

I was in a abusive relationship. Was it the easy way out? for sure, but the alternative may have been to come out in a body bag. I've been judged, misjudged and condemned for not working at it. If divorce is such a sin how come it can bring so much happiness?

Answer 11

I've been divorced twice, the reason being both my exes cheated on me, that's breaking their vows, and both admitted they were not unhappy in the marriage but they were too weak to resist it when someone offered themself on a plate to them. Why should I forgive them for that? Cheating is not ever acceptable, I managed to stay faithful so there is no excuse in those circumstances, and no it was not easy, but once the vow is broken and the trust gone then that's no marriage anyway.