Am I spoiling his life?

Question

I had a boy friend earlier and we got engaged in college without parental approval. We had consumated our relationship as well. But later, we felt it was better to split and keep our families happy. We've moved on. We have got jobs in different cities and are deeply invloved in them. But somewhere we still feel for each other.

Since my parents never knew this, They still think their daughter is never engaged. They've zeroed in on a guy for me. I had nothing to lose and said yes. Now this guy is madly in love with me and cant wait to get engaged to married. Late nite calls, romantic mails and sms, this guy is totally on.

Honestly I dont feel the marrraige will last longer than a year. What do u think?

Thanks for the overwhelming response. Just wanna add couple of things. My x and me split only this September. We still are in touch. We've never explicitly showed that we missed each other but the voice gives it away. I don't have the guts to break this to this new guy cos the society we live in, once it leaks out, it spreads like wildfire. The story gets a new form as it spreads from person to person and will the entire lot scandalized. Most importantly, my parents and siblings will be outcasts. I can't take that risk. Help?

Answer 1

if you don't love him don't marry him.

Answer 2

Never do anything to keep anybody else happy...... it sounds selfish but your number 1 and you should look after yourself!
Please don't go ahead with this just yet! Try tracking down your ex from college see if there is any hope for you 2 or whether he has just moved on. If theres hope then break it to this guy whos madly in love with you gently, tell your parents about your previous engagement and although they might be a bit upset to start with cuz they think they've found you the "perfect guy" they will come round with the idea and see that you are truelly happy with your ex.
But if your ex has moved on then it will hit you and you'll be able to get over him and move on then maybe this sweet guy who your parents set you up with may become appealing to you and you'll fall in love with him.
But please do not rush into things, it could be the biggest mistake of your life and make you so very unhappy!

Answer 3

By the way you write this, it seems there may be some sort of ethnic traditions you are caught up in. I don't know how difficult it would be to dismiss your parents wishes but I sense you are about to marry for them. If you can, this might be the right time to finally sit down and discuss how you feel about "their" choice for you. You obviously have been to college, fallen in love and know the the joy that love can bring. This relationship won't give you that. Someone in these families always has to be the leader, a trailblazer if you will. There is no need to share with them your non-virgin status, but it is time to be able to make your own life decisions. Especially when it comes to who you marry.

Answer 4

Okay, if you think you have a future with the guy you were engaged to, pursue that. If not, give this guy or some other guy a change. I don't think you have to marry this guy your parents set you up with. You said it yourself, you're not interested in him. It would be best to just call it off I think. If your parents are upset over it, tough. You're an adult, live your own life. Remember, your parents gave you a life for their own selfish reasons (nearly all parents have children for selfish reasons), but it's not their life to control.

Answer 5

Do not marry someone you don't love. You won't be happy and you will eventually divorce. I would tell my parents of my broken engagement and your feelings for the other man. If they still want you to marry this guy, just say no. You need to resolve your feelings with your former man before going ahead with marriage.

Answer 6

You say that you still have some feeling for your boy friend but you neither mention how intense is your feeling nor you say anything about his. Neveretheless it SEEMS that you have long forgotten him since you and him decided to call off your engagement. My suggestion to you is to get straight with your feeling. you know you may want to call your boy friend and see how he feels about you after these years. I think that the last thing you should think about in this condition is marriage because it seems that you're in a limbo. you can't foget your so called fiance and you're going to make a decision when you think that your marriage would not last a year. so put more thought to your decision so you would neither spoil your life nor his.
Goodluck!

Answer 7

Why would you even consider marrying someone if you believe it wouldn't last? You don't say anything about being in love with him, so I can't imagine that's the reason, in fact you imply that you're still in love with your old college flame.

If you allow this to continue you will hurt this new man badly and upset your parents. Be honest with yourself and them. Even if you can't be with the man you really love that's no excuse for taking the risk of ruining someone else's life.

Answer 8

You have to learn to either let him go or hunt down that dude from college or forget about him. Marriage is great but getting hitched with someone that you do not feel equally about is not a great idea. Divorce is much worse than you think. Say you do marry him get a divorce in a year who is going to want you if you are known for making bad decisions? Hold out for the right one PLEASE HOLD OUT.

Answer 9

If you don't think the marriage will last longer than a year, then what do you still need to know? You already answered your question. Do you want to see it in writing?

YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOU DON'T LOVE AND YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED IF YOU KNOW THE MARRIAGE WILL END IN DIVORCE IN LESS THAN A YEAR!!!

Did you read it correctly? Do you understand what that meant, or do you need more help?

Answer 10

If you feel that way Sweetheart then end it now before too many people get hurt. It's YOUR life you are playing with and under no circumstances should you live your life too please anyone else. I'm sure your parents will understand if you talk to them from your heart but I beg you to be fair but firm not only with your parents and this guy but most of all with YOURSELF. I hope you find happiness.

Answer 11

If there is no love for your second fiance, then no the marriage will not last unless you have a high tolerance for unhappiness. Honestly though it seems like you should have stayed with the first fiance (assuming you had love for him) despite what your families thought. Your happiness should always comes first.