it was written for someone.. he knows who he is....
I lay my head slowly,
upon the snow white pilliow.
A scent fills my lungs,
that I long to cling to.
It smells just like you do,
the same strange sweet smell.
I'm reminded your with me,
and your arm comes around.
It protects me from danger,
while holding me tight.
You slowly caress me,
your warmth fills my soul.
But I slowly drift from you,
yet your still by my side.
... the original was better, but i needed to clean it up a bit.. so please forgive my sudden ending.
2007-11-04 12:22:43 · 6 answers · asked by dragonflyy 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
for the 2nd to last line.. i'm trying to similate that the girl.. is falling asleep... she feels very protected...
2007-11-04 12:39:16 · update #1
no problem Dondi! and yes the orignal was muchh better.. lol email me if you want... lol
2007-11-05 09:18:31 · update #2
Wow,, what a heartfelt poem with conviction and deep spirit to it,, the meaning and feeling is obvious,, a great dance of thought,, and admiration for the man you write about,, :)
I applaud you on your kind thoughts,,, keep writing,, :)
Tom
2007-11-05 09:53:20 · answer #1 · answered by tommy C 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
At 1st I thought, 'it's very well written'. But then I actually took some time to think about it, and my thoughts were, 'it shows how she feels this person. I like it'. I'm not sure if that tells ya much, but basically for this particular piece, I don't feel it needs to be a 'professional write', if you know what I mean. For this particular piece, it only needs to express feelings. And you did that brilliantly.
Luck in life.
2007-11-05 20:39:22 · answer #2 · answered by Twili 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it's great and it really puts you in your mind set except at the end "But I slowly drift from you,
yet you're still by my side.
While it is a good line, this makes me think that you are growing apart (or... idk how to say it but you know what i mean), while the man still wants to be with you.
I 'm almost positive this is not what you are trying to say
2007-11-05 01:20:11 · answer #3 · answered by littlemisscontroverse 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Thank you, I'm certainly glad you feel that way about me.
Seriously, it's a very good piece of work. If the original was better, it would have probably been best to leave it that way. It's hard for me to think better, though. This one is very good.
2007-11-04 21:14:05 · answer #4 · answered by Dondi 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Thats pretty good, I like it, full of emotion, you can tell that whoever *he* is, you have some strong feelings for him.
2007-11-04 20:33:24 · answer #5 · answered by Patrick 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Please marry me. lol
iloveit. except i dont get the 2nd to last line.
2007-11-04 20:26:36 · answer #6 · answered by ? 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋