My wife is wanting more children and I am not. we have four already. how can I get a vasectomy w/o her knowing

Question

My wife is driving me crazy. we have four children already and they are good kids. I am also thinking about a divorce if things don't improve. I have talked till I am blue in the face and it's not working. Help me if you can.

Answer 1

Please don't think about having more children with your wife she sounds selfish especially when you are thinking about leaving her. About your vasectomy not unless you plan on not having sex or not letting her see your blue ball for awhile .

Answer 2

My husband looked into vasectomy and they said if you are married they won't do it without the wife's consent - I would have had to sign papers also. He didn't have it - not because I wouldn't consent, but it was decided I would get a tubal. I live in PA so am not sure if it is the same in other states or even if it is a state law or just that practices policy. Did she say why she wants another? A child, whether the 1st or 10th is major responsibility and should be a mutual decision, but there must be a reason she is pressuring so much. Maybe she senses you are thinking of leaving and thinks another child could be more leverage - which is not how a child should be treated - or she could be lonely, suffering from empty nest syndrome, truly want another child because she loves children or any number of reasons. Obviously you told her your reasons for not wanting another child since you talked till you are "blue in the face" and she is not accepting or respecting your feelings. I agree with trying counseling if you are serious about making the relationship work. Subterfuge never helped any situation.

Answer 3

She's being unreasonable. Having kids is a decision two people should make together. Get some counseling. Hopefully they will help her see reason.

I suppose you can get a vasectomy without her knowledge (not like you need her permission), but if you do get divorced, you may end up with a woman down th road who wants kids and doesn't have any? You never know.

Answer 4

You can go and get one, but you might not be healed after two weeks and it might leave scars. My dh has scars from his V (and from his VR). He had a rough vasectomy and had bruising for about a month. I let my hubby get the V because we also had a large family. But I deeply resented him doing it. And if you think you can hide it, well, you can't because she is going to start questioning why she can't get pg. I've known guys who had terrible guilt and finally admitted to their wives about their secret V's after the wife has endured months of infertility tests and drugs. I agree with many of the others; you two need counseling. The way I see it, with a V, you'll still have an unhappy wife and a man who fights with a wife all day has no peace (piece) at night!

Answer 5

maybe you should start showing. doing the things you are asking of her. try marriage counseling. try dating each other. communicate to your wife that a baby right now will not be good and tell her that you are thinking a separating. do all that you can do before resolving the marriage. give a chance to do all that she can to keep the marriage. you both have to be on the same page. and if you are not there seek some help to get you both there. you can go to the doc and have the procedure done and back home and she wont know the difference. you can even have sex the same night. consult with a local doctor to receive more information. GodBless

Answer 6

Well, you are good as divorced anyway. Getting a vasectomy behind her back is as simple as sending her away for a twp weeks to visit one of her relatives.

Don't listen to ANYONE who tells you that your wife has to sign. That is a violation of federal HIPPA regulations. You don't need her consent, that is the law. Anyone that tells you otherwise, has no idea what he or she is talking about.

A vasectomy leaves no scar, and no sign that it has been performed. She can't know unless she gets the insurance paper in the mail that says, "Explanation of benefits". This document is sent from your insurance company and is required by federal law, so that you will know if someone is using your insurance.

Answer 7

if you are at the point to consider a vasectomy without her knowledge then you need to consider counseling - the marriage is not on good footing

of course, you don't need her permission to get one - it is a quick outpatient procedure that can be performed in the doctors office - but she's likely to notice your wincing and the swelling (a bag of frozen peas was my hubbies best friend for nearly two days)

Answer 8

I'm sure she would find out. Especially while you recover.
If things are good, why are you looking for divorce?
Could you really afford more children? Ask her to consider all the things that go into raizing children. You didn't say how old they are. I think you should be able to get it done if you want to.

Answer 9

if you get a vasectomy behind her back she will find out eventually anyway, when she isnt falling pregnant and she will be devastated. If you are already considering divorcing her, then you should go to councilling together, as you cant be happy if you are considering doing something that major behind her back.

Answer 10

Wow, she's being awfully selfish...I think you should tell her that you guys need to go to marriage counseling....another child should not be brought into the world unless both parents want it. Tell her she's being blind to your feelings and needs and wants and she's just going to have to let go of having another baby, or she runs the risk of RUINING the lives of the four existing children by driving you away. If it escalates, get a family law attorney and start doing whatever you can to protect your rights as their father.