Do you think this marriage can be saved?

Question

6 years ago I had an affair. Usual reasons grass looked greener, and I ended it coz when I got there it wasn't as green as it looked. When I told my husband (which I was forced to) he was devastated. I learned some very valuable lessons from the experience like that is not the person I want to be, and for this reason I know I will never cheat again. 2 years ago my husband cheated on me with a woman he works with, and I was as devastated as he was, but I learned to trust him again and do, even though they still work together. However, since then I have been accused of having an affair with other men, been accused of fancying other men at the gym, and out of sheer frustration in June of this year emailed my ex after he went on a works business trip with his ex (who was on the same trip but not 'with' him) and hadn't told me about til the last minute. He subsequently found that email which I never intended him to see. Since then I've had no privacy. he checks my emails and texts 1/2

7 weeks ago he asked me for a divorce and I said it wouldn't be my choice but if that was what he wanted. I suggested counselling but he wouldn't go and then he changed his mind, and decided he didn't want a divorce after all. 3 weeks ago we split up and he packed his bags and left and since he left I have been happier. The week before last he blogged that he'd been on a date but he wasn't sure how he felt. I'm not looking to replace him any time soon but got asked out on a date and I thought sure why not? But this last week my husband has been saying that he wants to get back together becasue he's realised that it is me that he loves and wants to try to save our marriage and has agreed to go to counselling. Since then I found out that he lied in his blog about his date to try to get me jealous, which it didn't, but hurt that he would even try that, We have had one counselling session and the outcome is quite positive, but he's also told me that when he asked for a divorce 7 weeks

ago it was partly because his ex had split up with her husband and somewhere at the back of his mind he was secretly fantasizing about starting a new life with her.
So am I a fool to even try to save this marriage or should I stop flogging this dead horse and walk?

We have been together 17 and a half years.

we have kids. Two are grown up and have left. The third is 16 and is pretty much grown up. We would both put our differences aside for the kids.

Leu - I am fully aware who started this particular snowball rolling and I have and still do tkae fullresponsibolity for it. But this isn;t about apportioning balme, this is about whether this marriage is now so broken that it can't be fixed.

ICEMAN - I would have taken that secret to the grave with me. I felt no burning need to share, because, I loved him enough to spare him the pain of my selfishness. I was forced because if I hadn't my ex's new girlfriend would have.

Answer 1

Try counseling. Before breaking up this marriage. At least you will not regret that you did not try--whatever the outcome.

Answer 2

17 and a half years is a long time to just want to throw away. I am about the counseling if it is having a positive outcome the thing now is to rebuild the lost trust. It takes two to make this work so you have to be in this for the long haul due to the fact that you both have cheated and now the trust has been broken not to mention the games that he has played trying to make you jealous. Now if you weigh your good times and your bad and your good outweigh your bad then that's a good sign. Then while in counseling try starting over again and doing the things that you both did to make you want the marriage in the first place. Learn from your mistakes and try to move on. It's going to be hard and know that this doesn't happen over night you have to want to make this work and have the patience to hang in there thru the thick and the thin. It's really hard starting over and trying to get to know someone else and to get back what you have with this man. If he is in deed trying and willing to work thru this do it and enjoy your husband I take my vows seriously and it looks like you do to despite a few obstacles I think this could work out. Trust and believe that what God has put together no man can tear up so believe and trust God, communicate and you can make it. I hope this works out for you

Answer 3

You have to understand where this man is coming from.
It's not enough to say I'm sorry and the pain, the anger and the lack of trust will go away.
Before it gets any better, it has to get to its worse.
Which seems like what you've been through.
I think that if you really love each other, then you'll get through this.
It does sound like you love each other.
As you say, it's worth fighting for 17.5 of marriage.
What's the point of starting all over again,when you have the main ingredients, which is the love for each other?
It'll take time, real effort and commitment to make this work.
Also, you have to understand that, after cheating, if you want to try at building trust again, then, there's no such a thing as privacy. Forget it.
Everything must be open and accessible to the other.
Only like that may you manage to put their mind at rest and build trust again.
So, here, the two of you should do it for each other to show your commitment to that marriage.
Good luck.
Hope it works for you. xxx

Answer 4

17 and a half years is a long time - simply don't throw that away.

You must, though, understand how he is feeling - you may not like what you'll read from me but YOU are to blame for all this.

You're the first to take that step to cheat...as you stated, thinking the grass was greener (rarely is it ever). You make it clear he was devestated.

He trusted YOU. Men can not always show how they feel, that is NOT the fault of your husband - his affair was probably because he was upset, angry, unloved and basically confused. Emotion, like some women, takes time to build - their actions are not always spontanous to the news or events - sometimes it can take days or weeks to surface.....even years. Thoughts can play a dreadful game on the human mind.

Now, the relationship has broken down and clearly you both need to work at it. You both need to earn (and not demand) each others trust. You also both need to learn to be open with each other - even about the deepest things.

It won't be easy, nor will it be fun - but that is the price you pay for stepping onto the green.

You husband clearly needs support from you, obviously he is finding this extremely difficult - he wants to trust you but is having problems with it. YOU need to work at reassuring him but, having written that, he needs to want to trust you as well as wanting to be with you.

I do wish you the best of luck but it will be such a hard task but I certainly think you both should slog it out - don't waste those years you had over this.....unless, after time you both realise it will no longer go anywhere.


EDIT

Louise H

"Since then I've had no privacy. he checks my emails and texts"

I think your attitude tells many a vast amount in what I have quoted above. You state that you have no privacy - this remarkably sounds like YOU are trying the sympathy vote and to get others to take your side...........if you want his trust then you're really going to have to earn it and not critise him for his behaviour!

Answer 5

The 2 of you sound like a couple of 10 year olds!!! This is NOT how adults act. You hurt him by having the affair 6 years ago so he went out and had an affair of his own in order to hurt you back....that hurt you, so then you decided to email your ex! This is not a healthy cycle!! The 2 of you need to put 100% into the marriage counseling and then, if it doesn't work, then I would say GOODBYE! Seems like neither one of you is truly interested in having a GROWN UP r'ship where you actually talk about problems. Instead, you both just go out and have sex with someone else....yeah, that ALWAYS solves problems.

Answer 6

It looks like you both have been through tough times, and survived. It seems a bit ridiculous, that at this point, he is thinking of divorcing when there has been no affair (I think) or anything else for that matter.

You have both survived affairs, which is, I think the worst part of making a marriage work. It doesn't matter who started it, the truth is that there was serious problems within the marriage for this to happen.

Try going to counselling. Not everything is lost until you both feel its lost. Its in your heart to know what you want, and if you felt happier when he left, you need to bear that in mind as well.

I wish you both all the luck!

Answer 7

Your husband sounds like he's in a real mess emotionally. He loves you, but he can't trust you any more and it's literally doing his head in. Go to counselling, but don't get back together until you have really worked through your issues and he feels much more sorted out emotionally. If he won;t go to counselling, it's probably a lost cause. You both need help to come to terms with this. Tell him you want to work at the marriage, but he must agree to go to counselling and stick to it before you will consider moving back in together. You both need to let go of the past , forgive each other, and decide if you want to re -commit. If not, move on and stop hurting each other. You both sound completely screwed up.

Answer 8

ask yourself do you really want to spend the rest of your life always having him accusing you of having an affair when your not, !!!! or you thinking the same about him and then there`s the fact that he started a rumour to make you jealous doesn`t sound like a man who wants to win his wife back to me, if you bring something back to life after it was dead all you will have is a zombie do you want to be one ???... part company as friends and both be there for the children's sake no matter how old they are, iam speaking with alot of experience in this matter, my ex and i get on better now then when we were married.... and i was a serial cheat all my married life, but when i lost her trust i knew that i had to go because i didn`t want to live like that always having her looking over my shoulder asking who i was talking to, were i was when out for the night, and who i was with nah that is not the way to live married life, he will grind you into the ground and when he has done that he will look at you and say its not working, his reason will be and always will that he does not trust you any more, REMEMBER THE FEELING OF TRUST IS FAR MORE STRONGER THAN THE FEELING OF LOVE and once that has gone there is nothing that you can do it may heal for a while but the mistrust will always rear its ugly head and you will be back to square one... iam sure we all wish you the best out of this situation.. one thing why were you forced to say anything confession may be good for the sole but its very bad for relationships...

Answer 9

What a mess. The two of you need to decide what you really want and stop all this drama. Counselling will work only if you commit to it and each other. It seems a shame to flush 17 years because you've both acted foolishly, but, a decision has to be made and acted on either way. It seems like you're making each other miserable the way you're handling things now. Good luck!

Answer 10

Well only you can answer that, but if I were you I'd think of a time period in my mind, like 'right I'll give it 3 more months' and if you're in the same position where nothing is getting better, even with counselling then agree to yourself that after that period you will walk. It might just kinda help you to decide, because obviously its not good to give up on a long relationship but equally you sound like you don't want your problems to keep dragging on and on.

Answer 11

Any marriage can be saved, and except for abuse situations, it probably should be saved.

I think you both need a lot of counseling...together and separately, exploring why there was so much infidelity and now the mistrust.

As long as you both want the marriage to work you should try as much as you can to stay married. Divorce is not all it is cracked up to be believe me.