what do you think of my story so far?

Question

im writing a story for English. I'm in 8th grade, and 12 years old. What do you think of my story so far? Suggestions are very welcome!!

thx so much

Chocolate always feels good at the end of a hard day. And that’s pretty much everyday for me. The warm, creamy richness of chocolate makes me forget about all my troubles, at least for a little while. Of course, chocolate will never actually solve my problems, but it helps a little. When everyone expects me to go above and beyond normal, I turn to chocolate, and then I mentally smack myself for eating 200 calories.
Rrring, rrringgg.

That’s probably another nervous boy telling me that I looked good today. Here we go again…
“Hello?”
“Hey, Celeste!” a giggly, slightly nervous voice responds. My bad. It’s a girl.
“Um, hi. Who is this?”
The girl on the other end pauses. “It’s Tammy, you know, from Algebra!”
I groan loudly enough so Tammy can hear. “Hi, Tammy!” I say with a fake excited voice that’s noticeably sarcastic. I had a bad day, and I don’t need some wannabe girl talking to me right now.
“Oh, yeah, I just…was saying hi. So, yeahh. You sound busy. I should probably get off

Chocolate always feels good at the end of a hard day. And that’s pretty much everyday for me. The warm, creamy richness of chocolate makes me forget about all my troubles, at least for a little while. Of course, chocolate will never actually solve my problems, but it helps a little. When everyone expects me to go above and beyond normal, I turn to chocolate, and then I mentally smack myself for eating 200 calories.
Rrring, rrringgg.

That’s probably another nervous boy telling me that I looked good today. Here we go again…
“Hello?”
“Hey, Celeste!” a giggly, slightly nervous voice responds. My bad. It’s a girl.
“Um, hi. Who is this?”
The girl on the other end pauses. “It’s Tammy, you know, from Algebra!”
I groan loudly enough so Tammy can hear. “Hi, Tammy!” I say with a fake excited voice that’s noticeably sarcastic. I had a bad day, and I don’t need some wannabe girl talking to me right now.
“Oh, yeah, I just…was saying hi. So, yeahh. You sound busy. I should probably get off

I think she got the message. I hate it when people call at bad time, especially when I’m waiting for Mark to call me. I sigh deeply, and wish for that blonde hottie to fall for me.
I’m sure he will, seeing as I’m probably the prettiest girl at school and everyone likes me. There really is no point in wishing for a guy when you’re as popular as me. But Mark is different. He has these unbelievable deep green eyes, and sandy blonde hair, and his 6-pack is to die for.
And even though he has all these great looks, he doesn’t have a lot of friends. He’s kind of a loser. His only friend is that creepy kid with the dreads who’s, like, Goth or something. And I just don’t understand it: Why isn’t he hanging out with the cool people like me if he’s so cute?
Rrring, rrring.
“Hello?” I hope this is Mark!
“Hey, Lessie! How’s it going? Were you hoping this was Mark?” I could recognize that loud, teasing voice anywhere: It was my best friend, Talia!
“TALIA! OMYGOD, WHAT’S UP??” I scream in

into the phone, “Yes, I was hoping you were Mark”, I add sheepishly.
“CELESSSSTE!!!”
“TALIAAAA!”
LESSSSSSSIEEEE!”
TALLIIIIII!!!”
Our conversation goes on like this for quite some time. Eventually, we talk about begin to talk about Mark, but by then our voices are really hoarse, so we get off the phone. Soon, I remember that I didn’t get a call from him. Then I go back into the kitchen and eat some chocolate chip chocolate ice cream with melted snickers on top. It must have been at least 400 calories, but right then, I didn’t give a crap.
My mom found me asleep on the white leather couch with melted chocolate on my hands, face, and hair, and melted ice cream on the flawless white carpet and the immaculate couch. When she woke me up, I felt like a sticky chocolate mess with pink fingernails. Mom made me clean up the carpet and couch before I even showered!
“I hope you’re happy, because I’m not. I come home after a hard day at work expecting this house to be clean as a whistle,

into the phone, “Yes, I was hoping you were Mark”, I add sheepishly.
“CELESSSSTE!!!”
“TALIAAAA!”
LESSSSSSSIEEEE!”
TALLIIIIII!!!”
Our conversation goes on like this for quite some time. Eventually, we talk about begin to talk about Mark, but by then our voices are really hoarse, so we get off the phone. Soon, I remember that I didn’t get a call from him. Then I go back into the kitchen and eat some chocolate chip chocolate ice cream with melted snickers on top. It must have been at least 400 calories, but right then, I didn’t give a crap.
My mom found me asleep on the white leather couch with melted chocolate on my hands, face, and hair, and melted ice cream on the flawless white carpet and the immaculate couch. When she woke me up, I felt like a sticky chocolate mess with pink fingernails.

Answer 1

the character seems a little full of herself. sort of childish for an 8th grader. :D

Answer 2

I am also an 11 year old writer! :) I hope you don't mind, but I have some critiques on your story. For instance, you've used words like "scary" and "wooden floor" repeatedly. You could try finding some synonyms to those words to use for your story. Also, your sentences are very short and quick. You may want to take some time in your story to be a little more detailed. Describe the setting, and the character's emotions. Good luck! :) By the way, your story reminds me of a book I once read in 3rd grade that had the same plot. A girl waking up from a nightmare with a family and a name that was unfamiliar to her. I can't remember how it ended, but I'm sure it was a good book. :)

Answer 3

You'll probably hear this alot in your life time So let me be the first to tell you, you are no writer, your a goofy little kid, with an infactuation and no clue , your 12 and so should not be worried about calories, you should stop trying so hard, if you truly want to write put pen on paper and go, don't write second for second what happened when you get home from school, no one cares, write about something you have to imagine and if what you wrote is for a class assignment star over, if I was reading that as a teacher I would toss it in the trash can and light it on fire.

Answer 4

It's definately a cute idea, but I got a little lost reading it.
You could upload your story onto a website like Fictionpress.com and get reviews and input from other users, that might help you develop it a bit more. :)

Answer 5

Um, I didn't really like it. The main character's a self-centered jerk. Unless you're writing about how she changes this, pick a new topic.

Answer 6

Really good!!! Most people your age usually can't write that well. ^^ I'm impressed. Keep up the good work. ;)

Answer 7

Good job! Really cute story!

Answer 8

Its good
but why did you write it twice?

Answer 9

Good.

Answer 10

whoa..long..
lol..
yeh..sounds like something i would write :D

ur story = awesomeness!