OMG! I never, in a thousand years thought that it would hit "this close to home?"?

Question

My daughter, newly married, a new mother, has become a victim of physical abuse by her husband. How, in Gods name, does a mother and a father accept, pretend, and pretty much, deny that it's ever happened? How do we do this, please, someone tell me? How are we ever going to sleep again, or lead a normal life, when all you see in your head, is your daughter being thrown to the floor?
Dear God, I pray that she will leave him "before" she finds out that "Anger Management" doesn't work. What makes it so much easier for them to stay with the men, then leave them? I'm so afraid that it's going to happen again, and I'll hear the sirens, before I ever hear her voice again. I shake from the inside, out, and picture myself lashing out at him, physically. Please, how do you move on, and pretend that it has never happened?

To add more to what was said yesterday, and answering some of your questions you've asked; Yes, he has said he was sorry to my face, but doesn't say anything to my husband, which I think is cowardly. There was a big "to do" with the police coming over here, but they can't do anything unless my daughter says she needs help. He has been invited to the house since then, but he only comes over when my husband isn't here. We are "trying" to be calm about all of this so he will stop pointing fingers at everyone else,settle down, so to speak, and concentrate on himself and keep going to his Anger Management. I know, if the shoe was on the other foot and I had a friend going through this, I would say the same things some of you are saying to me. My baby girl is an adult, and we can only do as much as she allows. She says that even a raised hand next time and then it will be over!
All I can think is, that hand could kill her next time. Thank you all for your answers and prayers. It's all good.

Answer 1

There is a good book out about that. It is called, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", about Co-dependent people. It goes way back before that at the garden when God told Eve in Genesis 3:16, "...thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee". It is inborn to protect the man in our life be he good or bad. I expect that is why women always try to control and change them. If women would understand that the man's character and personality belongs to him and God then it would be like lifting an elephant off their backs. Trust me on this, don't get in the middle because it will cause much resentment later. Be there as a support system and don't let her bad mouth him to you unless she is willing to change things. She must stand up and be a true woman and not a kid that runs home when things get hard. God and prayer is the only thing that can truly change people so be constant in prayer. I am praying for a hedge of protection to be around you and your family. These are hard times for so many people.

† Heaven Bound Prayer Warrior †

"Keep looking up for your redemption draweth nigh". Mmm

Answer 2

I think your husband, your daughter's father, needs to lay down the law.

He needs to go to his son-in-law, face to face and have a talk with him. He needs for this man to know that you will support your daughter--no matter what--and that the next time anything like this happens you will be there and filing the charges on behalf of your daughter and grandchild.

You need to tread carefully because if he does have an excessively controlling personality he will attempt to destroy the relationship between HIS wife and her parents. I would also consider that he needs to be present at your home when your husband is there...this is something to look at from different sides and with the counsel of your husband.


I would get the local women's shelter's information and what can legally be done and how best to help your daughter.
If you witness anything you can file the report yourself, that much I know. The evidence of bruises or even red marks--is enough evidence for most police departments to file charges with out the consent of your daughter. Our area in the Midwest has a very, very strict policy and it does not require the victims agreement to file. If you have not spoken to the police yourself, it is possible your daughter is lying to you about this or downing playing the true account. (This would be a common reaction, trying to cover-up, make excuses and down play it by saying even the police don't think it's serious!--Make sure that the police were actually called.)

I suggest you get the information on how there is a CYLCE of abuse--and reveal this information to your daughter--so that she can recognize the signs.

The more information and emotional support she has from you both--the more likely she is to be proactive in her decisions.

Being abused ONCE is bad and some immature men DO learn self-control and are truly repentant and NEVER do this again. If there is a pattern to the abuse and it is ongoing then there is a serious pattern. Since you do not share whether or not this is a systemic problem or a one time occurence--the best you can do is NOT pressure your daughter to leave, but to be there for her--so that she can confide in you and you can expose whether or not there is a pattern of abusive interactions. If this continues for some years--I would look into custody of your grandchild. If she is not willing to protect her child--you should be.


I hope this helps. May God help you and your entire family.

***I also wanted to recommend a fantastic book that can be used to assess the actual danger your daughter and grandchild are in--

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

Answer 3

DO NOT pretend or deny that this has happened! Why would you? Your daughter is a Domestic Violence victim and needs help! It probably will happen again, especially if he is not confronted with his actions.
Men often begin abuse when under stress due to the birth of a child. The vulnerability of being a new mother makes your daughter an easy target. It also makes it harder for her to imagine leaving him.
Please call a local or national Domestic Violence hotline: [phone]. Get some advice and resources for your daughter. Reach out to her so she does not feel alone.
If you have tried this and she does not want help yet, there are people who can give you good support also. You can just be there for her when she is ready, day or night.
I hope you get some peace of mind and God bless you.

Answer 4

First - Do not pretend it never happened. But do not harp on it. Let your daughter know that you know what is going on and no matter what, you support her. Keep the lines of communication open.
Abusers want to isolate their victims and he will do what he can to try and make your daughter feel like she can't come to you. Make sure that doesn't happen. Telling your daughter that he is not good, and is a terrible person will feed right into what he is saying to her and make her feel even more isolated.
Keep loving her, offer to help her whenever you can, but ultimatly the choice is her's and sooner or later she will make the right decisions if she has the outside support she needs.
I would suggest counseling for her and you and your husband to try and deal with all of the issues, it's a messy problem.

Answer 5

I feel for you because there is absolutely nothing that you can do right now.
Sadly, most people that will tolerate abuse have something on the inside that only they can deal with. Some deeply planted seed that tells them that somehow in ways that they don't even understand that they diserve to be abused. That the abuse equals love and that they are "needed" to help and "fix" the abuser.
Sadly for you this is something that only they can work out. I would encourage you to encourage her to seek counseling to try and discover where te seed is and how to kill it before it grows.
I survived 2 years of the most heneous abuse that is to torrid to share here so I know what I am talking about.
All you can do is to be there. As hard as that is. Protect the grandchild. It is all that you can do.
I am here if you need me.
~Tyed!~

Answer 6

You don't "pretend" it never happened... that is about the most unhealthy thing you can do.

You can talk with your daughter -- it wouldn't be as if you were prying. But let her know that you are there for support and that you care. Tell her you will listen if she needs someone. And also, suggest counseling for HER as well.

Anger management DOES WORK for people who WORK THE PROGRAM.... If the person getting treatment wants help and to work toward change, then it is a very good program.

On the other hand, people who couldn't care less, don't get help from anything.

Therapy of any type works when we WORK IT.

god bless.

Answer 7

Oh dear! I'm SO sorry to hear this is happening !!!

Please, help your daughter and take her away from this man.

People who are abused feel confused and don't know who to trust or believe; so the sooner you get her away from this beast the better she and the baby will be!

DO NOT ignore this situation! You and your husband- and sons if you have them- should act immediately.

Consult a good lawyer and see what options you have. The law must be on the victim's side, not on the abuser's side...
See what you can do to prove she is being beaten and that both she and her baby are in danger- and get them under your roof so they will be protected.

The thing that worries me here is HER attitude.
How did you find out about this? Did she ask for help? Or did you accidentally discover her bruised and beaten?
IF she is so scared of her husband, she might actually defend his attitude and not accept your help, which is a terrible but true fact about domestic violence.

PLEASE look for information and act ASAP.
DON'T WAIT for things to improve.....they won't !!!

I will add you and your family in my prayers....Good luck, honey. My heart feels for you and hopes you will be able to overcome this terrible ordeal.

Answer 8

Why would you pretend it never happened? My 21 yr old daughter is living with a loser that she THANKFULLY is not married to. They do not have children either. He doesn't hit her but he's very controlling and verbally abusive. We have tried talking to her, got her an appointment for counseling (we even offered to pay her co-pay) but she canceled it. This has been going on for 3 years. I make a point to call and tell her I love her and miss her twice a day. I go to her job 3 times a week to say hello and hug her. I told her I will no longer speak of him but he is not welcome in my home. He will not "let" her come home to even get some of her things. He drops her to work IN HER TRUCK, and keeps it so she can't get home. He quit his job so he can be in control over her. I hate him. Yes, hate is a strong word, but not strong enough for me.

We are at a loss as to why she puts up with this. She was raised in a loving, respect filled home. My husband has never even raised his voice to me.

All you can do is gently explain why you're upset. that you love her no matter what. He'd LOVE it if she stopped talking to you. That would keep her isolated from people who could help her. She is the only one who can press charges against him.

Very sad, my thoughts are with you.

Answer 9

You do know if you witnessed it when it happened you could call the police and file charges yourself? It's hard as a parent to stand by and not do anything when you know she could be killed.Try and talk her into leaving him and make sure everyone is aware of what he is.Tell his employer,his parents,the neighbors everyone that will listen.She may get upset but your trying to save her life!To answer your question I don't know why women put up with it but I saw my Mother put with 3 husbands all treat her the same way.She died at 57 years old and I believe if she had been treated right she would have lived a lot longer.I'm sorry this is happening to your Daughter.Good luck

Answer 10

You do not want to pretend it never happened! She needs to know that it is not normal/acceptable behavior from her husband, that she will have your unwavering support, and the room to make her own decisions. Most towns/cities have a place where women can go to have a safe haven, and having that information on hand before she needs it is better than looking for it in the middle of a crisis.