Wife is undecided wether she wants to come back to me or stay with him. We have 2 little children together and I do love and miss her so much. I want our marriage to work and I'm willing to forgive her. Please advise freely.
2007-11-04 05:03:45 · 38 answers · asked by mikelsey5 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds to me that she has already made a decision. If she chooses not to make a choice, that is already a choice made.
If she is still there, she has decided. If she wanted to come home, she would have.
Let me ask you this.. Why would you want her to come home? Yeah, you love her, and probably will for a long time. But, she left you. She left you AND your two children. What does that say for her? Do you really want to be with someone that will leave if she looses interest? Do you really want to be with someone that is OK with leaving her children, or just taking them away from you? What is that teaching your children? Is it showing them great values and the sanctity of marriage?
You are much better than that. You do not deserve to have that emotional baggage. How will you ever know that she really wants to be with you. How long will it be before she is talking to him again telling him she does not know if she wants to stay with you or go back to him?
Stand up for yourself. File for divorce. The children will always be yours and hers, nothing you can do about that. But she made the decision to leave, now she has to live with it. Don't clean up her mess.
2007-11-04 05:12:50 · answer #1 · answered by Girl Next Door 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Please go and get a counselor because you need help with this! She either knows she wants to be with you now or she doesn't! I understand that you have feelings that are devastated and two small children....but you cannot let her emotionally abuse you. Cheating is a choice and never a mistake ........ I would leave her there with this other guy because eventually it will not last because she is undecided. You cannot even think about letting her back through that door unless she knows for sure that she wants to and then you both need some serious marriage counseling to work on the problems you are having. That is the only way you can work through this because things will never work out between you on your own. You say you want your marriage to work and that you are willing to forgive her and even though you want this it doesn't mean that you can go living with someone. The trust is gone and it will never be fully recovered ....you want things back before she moved in with another man ..but trust me no matter how much you think you can get over this it will never be the same again!! That person is not the same person anymore and in time if things would settle down you would never be able to forget it in the end. All you can do is be there in heart and soul for your kids and take it one day at a time to learn how to live without her. You deserve to be accepted for who you are and for someone to love you through the good and the bad because that is what commitment is all about. It's not about running to someone else and thinking you will find the answer there.
2007-11-04 06:34:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there, and had it done to me. Fact is and with an excellent marriage counselor; they will do it again. Trust is a precious emotion and once the trust factor has been altered - it is humanly impossible to ever trust that person again. It is the nature of the beast in humans. Kind of like a protection mechanism. And in some cases it's been also called; following your gut instinct. You're young. 31 is young! She is 24, which through the fact that she chose to have an affair with a virtual nobody presents the fact that she has no concerns past her own sexual prowess and that is a strong indication that "if" and when a man does come along that can offer her more, she will do it again. Sorry, once bitten, twice shy. Cut her loose. What you have is not love. Love does not cheat or lie in order to self serve. It will be hard due to the fact that you do have children. But, do you want to teach them to "settle" for anything less in a relationship? You'll be stronger and happier in the long run. Move on.
2016-03-13 22:59:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband went through this with his ex. They were married for four years. They had a 1 and 3 year old together. He even took care of her child from her first marriage while she was off living with the other guy. He took her back. They moved to another city to start anew where noone would be shaking their heads behind their backs.
It didn't work. As soon as they moved, she fell back into the old habit of going out with grilfriends after work and found with new guys.
You may be willing to forgive, but you will never forget. You will always distrust her, and for good reason.
I know it sucks to end a marriage, especially when kids are involved, but often it is the best thing that will ever happen to you. There is life after divorce. And if you and she can commit to behaving like adults for the sake of the children, the children can realize the benefits of having two sets of parents (I did when my parents had a amicable divorce after an affair).
Go find someone who will love you, not you and half the neighborhood. It sounds like you are a good man and deserve to be happy with someone who deserves your love and affection.
Last word, FIGHT for your kids. Do not give in and accept anything less than the amount of time you want with them. (My husband was WAY too nice and gave in thinking it would make things easier on him and the kids). It's 100% harder to change a custody arrangement after the fact than to wait out an equitable decision by a judge.
2007-11-04 06:07:32 · answer #4 · answered by hdcowboyblondie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It can work out still but she needs to decide soon other wise there is alot of suffering for you to endure.I say work it out if possible divorce is not the answer.You have two little ones.Statisictly her chances of finding a man who will love your kids more than you do are low.She may find a good stepdad but its not the same. I would give her an ultimatum.But wait a week you need to think about it all and what your going to say.Be tough she has done you wrong you should act mad.If you dont something is wrong.However I think she is very confused so win her back romanticly do stuff to make her want you.Work out and take good care of yourself.Its hot.
2007-11-04 05:18:28 · answer #5 · answered by butterflyspy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are two ways to look at this.
First, if there is ANY chance that the marriage might work, you owe it to your children to keep your marriage intact. But I would highly recommend a marriage counselor to help with the issues that led to your breakup.
I also recommend some very good books:
10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
Both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She has some very good advice in both that my help both of you if your wife is truly willing to come back and work at the marriage.
However, if your wife comes back but continues with her adulterous ways, then I believe you need to set the example for your children. I would fight like hell to get custody of the kids and divorce her. There are (in my book, anyway) only 3 reasons to get a divorce when children are involved: Abuse, Addiction, and Adultery.
It is entirely up to you, but for the kids' sakes, I would do whatever I could to make things work... but if she is not going to put any effort towards the marriage - you could be doing handstands and backflips then sh#t gold bricks in a corner and it still won't do any good.
I wish you the very best... and I'm sorry this has happened.
2007-11-04 05:17:30 · answer #6 · answered by Mama's on the half tip 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am gonna answer this off the top of my head your wife left you for another man moved in with him and wants to come back to you now but is undecided, You have two small children together and you are willing to for give her because you love her or for the sake of the children. Forgiveness begins in the heart and if you can forgive from your heart than perhaps it will work but the memory will always be there if you can leave the pass in the pass. What god has joined together let no man put us under.
best of luck
2007-11-04 05:14:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dear Mike,
I understand your pain at this present time. Honey, if she really cared for you and the kids, she would have never had that affair or moved in with another Man. Sorry to be so blunt, but what are you waiting for? A brick wall has already fallen on your head, what more do you want? My personal advise to you would be forget her. Your children deserve a mother who loves them and wants to be with them. You deserve a woman who loves you for better or for worse. This woman who you so lovingly are willing to accept back as well as forgive her has no value for the marriage wows she took with you when you two married, or the bond a woman has with her children. She has chosen to be selfish and slutty in my opinion, and does not deserve you or your kids. Honey move forward, than only your so called wife will learn her lesson. This new man that has become so important to her that she broke her household for, will very soon get tiered of her and move on to another, at that point she will learn what she had was priceless, and she will never ever get back. Please think with your head and not your heart. Would she have taken you back had the roles been reversed? Good Luck.
PS: I am sorry if I have in anyway hurt your feelings, I hate lies and a because I am very straight forward, sometimes I need to say what I am feeling, and that's what I have done. You don't know me from Adam, but if you need someone to just listen, feel free to email me. I fell in love and married my ex who used me just to become a Canadian Citizen. I also had a bad miscarriage during my divorce, so to a point I am feeling your pain.
Simbha
2007-11-04 05:28:03 · answer #8 · answered by Simbha 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My thoughts on the matter is, that once we loose trust in someone, it is not very easy if not impossible to gain that trust back. She will have to earn it back the hard way.
One - loose the other man !!!!!!!!
Two - rent alternative accommodation, work, pay her bills, find out what she is all about and what she wants out of life. If a year from now she is sure she wants back in yours and her children's life, and you still want her and love her then may be you could start dating again and slowly work your way back, together.
I do not think it will work now,You will always see her in the arms of the other man, (AND THAT IS A SOUL DESTROYNG EXPERIENCE) the chances are, that it is the kids that she is missing, not you (sorry if this sounds cruel) the other man may have the hots for her but does not want the kids, she may have to choose not between you and the other man, but between the other man and the kids, and when it comes to that choice he will not have a hope in hell regardless how good the sex is!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOOD LUCK
2007-11-04 05:48:36 · answer #9 · answered by Loretta M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I commend your willingness to forgive, however do you know whether or not you can trust her again?
I think that if she is undecided that you should distance yourself from her. I just went through this myself. It was different for me because I did not want her back because the same problems we went through would happen again. Are there unresolved problems that caused her to have the affair? Would fixing these issues make things better?
It is sad that you have children involved. I essentially lost my relationship with my daughter because of my divorce, but it was the best thing for my ex and I to do since we were essentially killing each other.
I honestly think that you should not take her back. I think she will hurt you again. Take your kids and live a long happy life together with them. She has your forgiveness, but now she needs to move on with her life. She has had over 6 months to think about what she has done. Please do yourself a favor and not take her back.
2007-11-04 05:22:11 · answer #10 · answered by mmarks315 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋