I have been married for many years. I think my husband has a drink problem. He has been banned twice from driving - both drink related. He is currently off the road. He has never been physically abusive towards the family. I have tried to support him as much as possible - going to doctors etc. Finally a few months ago I took a step and asked him to leave for the sake of the family. He did (he is very reasonable when he is sober)He has a binge drinking session which lasts up to three days about once a fortnight. He is now very sad and says that he will change if I have him back - he is only drinking now because he is so sad. I am afraid to go back - it would not be fair - I have told him I will consider it if he is dry for 6 months. I think this is fair. I really think he has to do this himself- or should i support him by allowing him back into the family home (he was drunk last weekend!) I feel sometimes that I am completely heartless.
2007-11-04 03:37:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You are not heartless you are protecting yourself and your family, and ultimately protecting him by making it clear that it is not acceptable for him to be a drunken father and husband. We only get one life, and if he loves you and the kids, he will dry out. Noone says it will be easy for him, but if you want something badly enough...I think the easy option is to let him stay with an endless cycle of empty promises he will dry out someday soon. You can't reason with him while he is drinking, like any addiction, he can't see clearly while he is like that, all he can think about is his next drink. I am not saying he is not sincere when he says he will change, but drinking is a learned response, and even with the best of intentions, chances are he will hit the bottle when things get stressful. 6 months is more than reasonable, the immediate physical craving will have worn off by then, but even then it will be tough on all of you, he needs to change the way he deals with stress etc or he will be straight back on it again, both of you may even have to change the way you communicate, your social circles etc to stop him falling back into old habits. In modern society we are surrounded by alcohol, it is socially acceptable, we are given it as gifts for birthdays, christmas etc, so in that way it's tougher on alcoholics than drug addicts because these days you can't walk down the road without passing a bar or go to a social evening without the alcohol flowing. If he has been banned twice from driving, he defo has a drink problem. He needs to change first- not that you can't support him in other ways, from the sound of things you have already tried to support him while he is still living in the house, and it has got you nowhere. Something needs to give if you seriously want to break this cycle he has got you all into.
It may seem cruel now, but I think in the long run your kids would much prefer to deal with the short term pain of losing their dad with a drink problem, and then he goes and gets help and becomes a proper dad and husband again, and you will have protected them from the effects of his alcohol abuse, than you do nothing and they confront you years later with horrific memories of binge drinking and accuse you of being a bystander and letting it go on. I speak from experience, believe me, I never thanked my parents for "staying together for the kids sake"- I had years of hell and it still affects my relationship with them now, and I was the lucky one, my brother had a breakdown because of what went on in our house when we were kids. He never got over it. Worst case scenario is that you kick him out and he never gets help, but that is his life choice not yours, you have no control over that, but even if this happens, you will have prevented your kids from further pain of his binging sessions and set you and him free to rebuild your lives again. I wish you the very best whatever happens.
2007-11-04 12:50:13 · answer #1 · answered by Helen A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My Dad was similar - he was definitely an alcoholic - but he was horrible when he was drunk (violent towards my Mum until we moved away when I was 4). Every fortnight he would be paid some money, and then for three days he would drink and drink until the money ran out. (Strange coincidence regarding 'three days' etc - but true!)
Before that, he had a job and would drink daily because he had more regular money coming in.
He died two years ago on 17th November - he drank a bottle of Vodka and it seems that his body just couldn't cope anymore.
Your husband needs help - if you still love him, do all that you can to help him (I know you've helped him before, and that's great!). Tell him that if he doesn't get help, he could end up the same way as my Dad. I'm sure he doesn't want that. That doesn't mean let him live with you again immediately, but invite him around for meals perhaps, and things like that - show him what he can have if he succeeds in giving up. Not in a cruel, teasing way, but as a 'reward'.
Good luck, and I really hope you can get him back on the right track again soon! =)
2007-11-04 03:50:22 · answer #2 · answered by .єmιlч. .ωєmιlч. ~♥~ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you are being very reasonable. The fact that he claims (I suspect he does) to drink because he is sad just means he is drinking like he normally has gone unchanged he has just added woe is me to his pity. He is saying he is doing what he has done along but not now because he wants to as before but because classic excuse: "He is sad".
Drink is the addiction here. He wants to weaken your resolve and play pity on him, which in fairness considering he is an otherwise nice man but with a drink problem, the difference is that he wants to come back and continue as normal.
You have to stand your ground here. Not ever do I ever think you should divorce because that is not an option. But I think he really needs to see that you are serious. Sure you can have him back easily. I am sure for a few days he will be on his best behaviour but truthfully would he of changed?
You admit he is drinking now because "he is sad" but really if he was sad why would he be indulging in the cause of his sadness the drink that done it to him in the first place.
You are fed up. You have a right to be. Let him do the changing first, WITH EVIDENCE not that he has been sober for a week real evidence as in he is not drinking hard for say 4 months and keep him in knowledge that even then he is on probation. Drink like drugs is something you cannot ignore. You want a happy marriage then he needs to deal with HIS problem now !
2007-11-04 03:49:23 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there done that. The man I loved with a passion was a drunk - I put up with everything (he was not violent) but was constantly smashed, I tried every single thing I COULD TO HELP- BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT HE WANTED.
I was the last to find out he had a string of women, he walked out leaving total mayhem with a long line of debt,- for a local "bike" in Wale's. He is STILL a drunk - sadly. The drink is a "crutch" - he can only help himself, you are NOT heartless
2007-11-04 03:55:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Obviously he does have a drinking problem. The only person that can cure him is himself. That's how it is with addiction. He may be a drunk for the rest of his life or he may reach a moment ( called bottoming out ) where he will change. You can't make him change. Also you do not want to live with a drunk - it is unfair to you. You just have to pray he changes but you cannot accept him back until he does.
2007-11-04 03:51:45 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband has been having a drinking problem and you asked him to leave home for the sake of the kids is this right.
Frist of all your husband need to admit to him self he has this drinking problem and try to go and get help for himself not for you or the family but himself. If he loves you and those kids he will do what is right for the family so by you putting him out the house until he gets it together sounds good but it is not helping him at all. Stand by your word and let him get the professional help he needs.
best of luck
2007-11-04 03:47:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you have to be to a point, ask him to get help tell him you will be there and support him and let him back in if he can get the help and stay dry tell him when he healing how he hurts you when he drinks and how it make you and the family feel and there is better things in life then drinking and if that doesnt change you cant see yourself with him. it might change him or not but you can aleast know what you did to try and make him a better person.
2007-11-04 03:49:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The most important thing is to get him to admit that he has a problem and to understand the consequences of continuing down this road. Get him to join Al anon and give him all the support you can. Before inviting him back into your life. With your support things may turn dramatically.
2007-11-04 03:44:11 · answer #8 · answered by Spiny Norman 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this man has a drinking problem he should be sober no matter what no matter when if he cant handle depressing times then hes weak and takes up to drinking everytime something happens.One has to have strong will power self control to lead committed married life together.
2007-11-04 03:43:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having been in your situation I would advise anyone that getting out is your best option! I tried everything to get my husband off the booze and almost lost my life....he has moved on to another who will undoubtedly try to 'help' him. Apparently his first wife went through years of the same....an alcoholic has to admit to a problem and want to change, else you're on a hiding to nothing.
2007-11-04 04:07:19 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋