How is it that some people get married after only a few months, and some require years to feel ready?

Question

I always thought that when I was ready to get married I would know it within a year of dating that person. However I am coming up on three years with my current fiance and we still are nowhere near ready. My parents, however, knew each other for eight months before their wedding and have been married for over 30 years now.

What has your experience been like?

Answer 1

Everybody's different.

We each come to the table with different sets of experiences, different scars and hangups from relationships, based on what we observed from our parents and role models.

I knew from the night I met my first wife that we were completely wrong for each other; but I lied to myself about it and pursued the relationship anyway because I was too infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship itself, and too afraid of going through life alone.

My second wife, I actually met first; and while I knew I could marry her and be happy from the first time we went out together, it took 13 years of being "just friends" to convince her to consider me as a romantic partner. When she finally did see me in that light, we went almost immediately to cohabitation; and the only reason we didn't marry then and there was that she was already pregnant at the time, and wanted to make sure her feelings would settle down and cohere after the hormonal rollercoaster of having a baby...

The truth is -- and I think I've told you this one before -- that you can never REALLY know when you're ready to marry someone....you only know when you're NOT ready to marry.

Answer 2

Actually, eight months sounds like a long time to me.

I suspect there are as many reasons as there are couples. For one major consideration, do they want to have a big formal wedding or not? If not, they can do it faster, since that big shindig takes a huge amount of advance planning.

Do they live together before they are married? If not, and if the reason is religious or "family approval," then impatience may play a major factor. Often couples who live together first only marry when they are expecting a child. Some wait longer than that. And some find that the decision to actually go through the ceremony becomes a bone of contention between them.

Then there are economic issues. Is one significantly wealthier than the other? Considerable time might be needed to be confident that the marriage is not mostly for money. Or, if the money issue is acknowledged from the start, then the wealthy one, especially if older, may want to hurry it along to "seal the bargain."

And even without the money factor, a marriage between two people of different ages may be influenced either to hurry (she is older, and soon will be infertile if they delay), or to wait (she is enough younger that she's not ready to commit to all that marriage implies).

There are many variables. But a couple that knows beyond doubt that they are meant for one another usually does not want to wait.

Answer 3

You've been together for 3 years and you're still not sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? How much more time do you think you'll need? Another year? Two years? Five years? Are you going to wait until you're in your 30's to realize that you've wasted your time?

Here's the way I see it: We only live ONCE. So if you're not sure if you're ready to marry a person that you've "been" with for the last three years, then why are you still with them? If you want to date, have sex, and explore, then go for it. Just be safe about it and be smart about it. But how many 3-5 year relationships do you think you're cut out for?

With me and my wife, we dated in high school then went our separate ways. We met back up four years later, dated for a year, had a friggin blast together, and by our second year of dating we both knew. Yes I loved her, but the key reason I married her was because I honestly couldn't see things being any better with somebody else. I didn't want to look back 20 years from now regreting how I let her slip away. So after a year of dating we got engaged, then we moved in together, then we got married, then we bought a house, then we traveled and honeymooned for five years, and today we are proud parents of 18 month old twin girls. Not saying the way we did it was perfect. But it was a hell of a lot better than meeting, having sex, getting pregnant, moving in together, spending five miserable years trying to make it work, and then splitting up like most people these days are doing it!

Answer 4

Sometimes thing just click in a way that you can't describe until you've felt it... other times, you have to grow together... With my parents, they dated for 5 years, but my mom swears that she always knew that they'd be married someday...now they've been married for 36 years and together for 41. For my current husband, we knew of each other in hgih school 16 years ago, but it wasn't until we reconnected last year that we realized how perfect we were for each other...and it was immediate....so, to make a long story short, trust your heart... you say u aren't ready - why? it won't change another year from now, so either you can live like that and accept it for what it is, or you can realize what you heart may already be telling you... that no matter how much you care for each other, he's not the one...

Answer 5

Well darling it depends on how old you are and if you want kids you have waited a very long time with out a commitment and I am man saying that lol no has some thing to gain from you love knowing someone is there for him if it was me darling i would separate and check out what out there if you are truly in-love then wait if it out of comforter the go but don't say he has nothing to gain because you sound like a very caring and nice lady for waiting as long as you have I wish you the best of luck in this mater and I hope this helped you in some way GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. P.S. I just seen your add on well now you can't build a family with some one that will lie about something that import in

Answer 6

My husband and i lived together for 3 years before marrying. I wanted to sooner (divorced once with 4 kids) but he wanted to wait longer (divorced twice with 2 kids). He told me, if we can make it longer then any other marriage lasted, we would get married. On our 3 year anniversary we were married. He stopped me in the aisle and started to cry and told me." I should have done it sooner. I am sorry for waiting so long." We will be married for 2 years on Nov 25th. We are both still very much in love and doing great. You will never know unless you do it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. You can't go through life being afraid. Good luck.

Answer 7

Honestly, I knew it two weeks after we started dating. We got engaged a year later when I was a sophomore in college and then waited 3 1/2 years for me to graduate. It all really depends on the people.

Answer 8

I dated a guy for two years and thought he was the one for me. However when i decided to move two hours away, things fell apart...he didn't want to move to the city I moved to cause he said he had no reason to go there.
I was heartbroken...oh well

I dated my current fiance for a year and a month and he proposed. I knew he was the one when I met him though. He was sweet and caring and never raised his voice!

Good Luck!

oh and by the way a funny little note, the guy i mentioned above that i dated for two years, now lives in the same city i live in and is married :P haha!

Answer 9

some people are risk takers while others are more cautious. Forever is a long time, you know. I'm pretty much the same way, though. I've been with my fiancé going on 4 years, we've been engaged for 3, and still nowhere near getting married . .

Answer 10

"How is it that some people get married after only a few months, and some require years to feel ready?" Because we are ALL individuals, we have not been assimilated, we have resisted the power of the Borg.