ive been with my boyfriend for almost a year, we're moving in together next week. New property for both of us in a new area. Problem is my bf has 6 children ive never met. He has regular access with them in his current property and his children know he has a gf, but his ex would not allow me to meet his children for no reason in particular, just being awkward i think.
Anyway, his children are a daughters at ages 15, 8, 5, 3 and 2 and his son is 8. I also have a 6yr old son.
How do we intergrate our 2 families with as few hic-ups as possible? How do i get his kids to see im not a wicked step mother but a friend to them all?
How can we make sure no one feels excluded or isolated or over-looked etc?
Im really worried they wont like me, or that things wont go smoothly and they wont want to come stay over etc.
All advice is welcome especially if you've succesfuly merged 2 families yourself.
2007-11-04 01:07:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
As a child of a blended family I can tell you a couple things that bothered me. Don't come on to strong with the kids in the beginning. Be friendly, but don't try to be their best friend. My stepmother did this in the beginning and then suddenly she decided to act like a parent and discipline me all the time and it didn't go over well.
That said I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down right now and decide ground rules for when the kids are at your house that both your child and his children have to follow. These rules needed to be presented to his children by him, not you and vice versa for your son. If his kids hear you saying the rules they think that their father is letting you keep control over them and that is never good. YOu also want to make sure that you have the same set of rules for his kids and your child and that you guys stick to those rules as your children get older.
I had a stepbrother the same age as me that never had a curfew and never had to work, anything. He did horribly in school and only came around when he needed something. In our house my dad wasn't allowed to say anything to my stepmother's kids but she couldn't say whatever she wanted to me and my brother. An issue that took me a long time to forgive my dad for.
His kids need to respect you, but that doesn't mean they have to like you, which is really hard because you'll want them to like you. You do have to be their friend, not their parent. Its a really fine line, because like I said in the beginning you don't want to be their best buddy, because what if you see them doing something and you have to get onto them for it. It doesn't go over well.
Also, when you do see them breaking a house rule or something like that. Be sure that you don't yell or give them the punishment. Remind them of the house rule and let them know that you will be talking to their father. At that time, you should tell him what happened and he should give the punishment. It's something that he will really have to stick with and make sure that you sit down with him and the child when explaining to him what happened. Be sure you are very calm and not angry about the rule that was broken. Just remind the child that there are houserules that have to be followed.
It will take alot of work on your and your bf's part, but you have to work together. Just remember that you aren't their mother and you have to respect their mother at all times. That means being friendly to her when you really don't want to be and no matter what she says or does to you. The kids will see the behavior and see that hey you really are making the effort to put their best interest at heart. Kids learn by example and not what you say. So just try to be a good example to them.
Good luck to you!
2007-11-04 01:21:25 · answer #1 · answered by mlbbell 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do sympathise. Hubbys ex wouldn't let me meet his son so after a year we just went ahead ayway since there was no legal reason behind it.
Anyway, maybe for the first meet make it somewhere neutral where all the kids can have fun. Maybe all go swimming or have a day out somewhere. The younger kids will probably just mingle together and make friends. The 15 yr old might be more difficult (depends on the personality and what Mum has fed her with about you)
But the best thing to do, and hardest is just to be a friend. Try hard, even though it is tempting to never put the mother down.
If you do something with your son perhaps invite the 8yr old boy along as well and get to know them all individually. maybe have a girly shopping trip with a couple of the girls or just all have a pamper day at home.
Anything where you can have a giggle and laugh without any stressful situations.
Best of luck.
2007-11-04 01:15:22 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
are u sure, cos he has a hell of a lot of chldn, 6
they are a lot to deal with
i know of pple in same stuff and have trouble getting accepted by 2 chldn, u think u can get the favour of 6
have u thot of how u will have to be a mother figure to 7 including urs, how ull have to look after each one, bath most of them and try to be fair,
its a drastic change, dont move in right away, slowly introduce urself to this huge task u have to take.
oh have u thot of the financial effects of such a merger, not only on urself but firstly to ur child.
2007-11-04 01:09:44 · answer #3 · answered by cleo s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lots of luck!!! Blending a family is like living in a near battle zone!!! I am a stepdad, and its the hardest job I've ever had! I'm a combat vet, and I preffered combat!! Be polite, set boundries for all, be fair, say lots prays, cause you're gonna need them!! The kids work the parents agaisnt each other, and then there's the X's, always putting their noses in your home!!! GOOD LUCK &GOD BLESS
2007-11-04 02:40:03 · answer #4 · answered by happywjc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the most successful way is to go out for the day and do something fun. slowly get 2 no them. there is no rush. i understand it will b harder as there is quite a few of them lol. just dont embarrasse them or do anythin stupid. just b urself and dont put on an act.
dont 4get they r all individual and they like different things, also they will probably have different opinions about u. especially the older one
2007-11-04 01:23:18 · answer #5 · answered by emily123241 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time and patience is the best advice I can give. Remember everyone is going to feel awkward about it to begin with, don't expect his children to relax straight away and don't be something you're not. Take it easy and hopefully it'll all work out ok. Good luck
2007-11-04 01:16:48 · answer #6 · answered by raceylaidee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have never been in this situation. But all I can suggest it that you be your self. Maybe make them a cake, or a meal, or better still make a buffett and play some board games with them, that way you get to know them. Talk to each of them in turn, ask each his/her name, (if you dont remember which name goes to which face).
I dread if I meet some one and he got kids,
Good luck hun. You will do well
2007-11-04 01:16:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you and your boyfriend handled this situation correctly. You should have definitely met them before the making the decision to move in together. Think about it, you are being thrown into a situation that has the potential of being damaging to his children, your child and your relationship. DON'T DO IT!!
Good luck.
2007-11-04 01:14:18 · answer #8 · answered by ≤ Flattery Operated © 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i don't think you would have a problem with the 5,3,and 2 year olds but i would especially draw my attention to the 15 and 8 year olds as they tend to see things differently .do your best to make them feel loved by you,don't give them any reason to hate you.
2007-11-04 01:21:19 · answer #9 · answered by morningstar6707 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
my bf and i live 2 gether iv got 3 kids myself and he,s got a daughter my bf just was himself from day 1 but good luck u,ll need it
2007-11-04 02:47:46 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋