Did I royally screw up with my best friend? Please, help!?

Question

I've got an issue with a girl I used to consider my closest friend - practically an additional sister. I've been friends with her for about 11.5 years, but we haven't spoken in the past three months. The reason beyond our falling out is most obviously my fault, as I apparently said something that greatly offended her. Our issues began after high school, when I went away to college and she stayed behind in our home town. We still talked and visited frequently, but obviously I grew in areas she did not, and she changed in ways I didn't decide to follow in. After I graduated, I came back to our beloved home town to start my own life, begin my career and prepare for grad school. She is still currently living in the same house with her folks, unemployed and not pursuing an education.

While I adored her, I had trouble relating to her, and often found it difficult to have a young adult relationship with someone who constantly complained about not having any funds to properly get together and go out on the town, but yet wouldn't go after job prospects or higher education opportunities. I tried to help her out with these things, but she didn't seem to have a desire to accept help, and things just began to spiral from there. She began to be quite the flake, and after yet another night of being stood up, I told her that I felt she was being a bit immature and careless about our friendship. She blew up in my face, claiming that I felt superior to her, and had an attitude problem. I attempted to apologize, but she wouldn't have it. I have tried on numerous occasions to check in with her, and rebuild our friendship, but she ignores me each and every time. I feel bad that I struck a cord, but I don't feel as if what I said was that horendous.

So -- Should I continue trying, or should I let this one go?

Thanks so much, guys.

Answer 1

The fact that it bothered her so much means that you most likely struck a nerve.

You know, I think you did the right thing. She needs to hear the truth, and maybe it will help motivate her so she can get off her butt and change her life. Good for you for having the guts to say it.

Worse case scenario, if she doesn't grow up, I know it may be hard to hear, but she was probably only going to weigh you down anyway. It's best to surround ourselves with those whom we aspire to be like. I hope she will learn (have a couple of friends I've "broken up" with for the same reasons, I just couldn't deal with the whining and complaining PLUS the lack of doing anything about it. That parts the kicker)

Anyhow, good luck. There are a lot of friends out there for you, that are more "on your level".

Answer 2

This isn't your fault. She is obviously not happy with herself and is resentful that you're doing something with your life. While your friendship might have been great pre-college, times change... people change. She doesn't seem to have much in common with you anymore. You both have very different lives and this is very common! How many people do you know still have the same friends from high school? Not too many. At least of those that go their separate ways (away to college/jobs/marriage).

I'll share a story of my own with you since it seems to be familiar. I was best friends with a girl since my freshman year of high school. We were very close and we were with each other everyday. Sleeping over at least 3 times a week at whoever's house. By our junior year, she changed... for the worse. She went from a straight-A student to failing and skipping school. She ended up dropping out of school and I had nothing in common with her anymore. I am a person who is very academically inclined... I got good grades and went on to college. She, on the other hand, obviously didn't care about her education. I tried to keep in touch, but it didn't work. We simply had nothing in common. Her views frustrated me as she was going down a path with no future. She started dating this thug guy who had no life and no prospects. I just quit trying to help her (as she got all defensive and upset) and simply stopped being her friend. It just didn't work. I grew up and she didn't. She ended up getting married to this jobless slob at 18. She's still living with her mother... her husband lives in her bedroom. Some life, hm? Anyway, I'm done with college and am going on with my career nicely. I have new friends and I'm happy. I think about her sometimes and she sends me random e-mails to check up on me. I just don't respond. I hate being around negativity and her life is the epitome of negativity.

I'd just let her go... if you feel like dropping her an email to say hi, that's fine. You guys just don't have anything in common anymore. It's hard to establish a friendship without that.

Answer 3

No, you did nothing wrong, what you did is right, you've done something w/your life!! You've been a few places, got an education, a job, a future, and your life is starting to shine!! Your friend choose to do nothing!! So sad!! Her resentment will keep distance between you two, possibly forever!! Maybe you can encourage her to go for it herself! But the choice is hers!! Congradulations, and keep up the good work!!!