Wives, moms. Do you feel single raising your kids, but married?

Question

Does your husband help in raising your kids?

Mine are teens now and he thinks things have been "fine" .. say what?! He's done nothing! lol ..

No planning (holidays, birthdays, vacations, weekends, nada), never bought a gift (unless I brought it up or reminded him) .. yet he thinks he's helped raise them just fine ..

By the way we've been married 22 yrs, the kids are 18, 16, 14 ..so it's been a long time of the above.

I've had "the talk" with them, I'm the major disciplinarian, the major stuff, he just says "yeah what your mom said" (no joke)

He doesn't earn all the money either ..

What's your take on it?!

Well I am a very bold, take charge type woman. Trust me when I say HE KNOWS he's not pulling his weight.

He feels he works and that's ALL that should be required of him. I told him otherwise.

I do not enable, hence this question. I have started camping in this family, kid trips just them/I .. I don't stay home and do nothing .. guess that's hard to read in text .. but I'm anything but passive lol

My kids I'm proud of, and they know their father loves them, that's it tho... to me that's sad as our daughters see this and might make bad choices in life .. maybe not tho .. our relationships are healthy and close ..

Just wanted to hear from others

I will show him this tho, so he will see I'm not crazy

You are SO right IRL .. more than you know ..

I guess that's what makes me so sad ..

Answer 1

To look at the brighter side, I would think thank god you are the one raising your kids. I can't imagine how the kids would turn out to be if its the opposite way. You have endured well and survived for so long. In a couple of years time, I'm sure your kids will take good care of you the way you took care of them. Your husband on the other handmay feel the loss as I gather that the kids will be much closer to you than to him.

Answer 2

I read your question and had to check i didn't write it. No my kids are younger. Same thing though.

I used to tell my husband he was like an ostrich, when ever anything needed to be done or sorted - he put his head in the sand and didn't come up for air until it was all worked out.

We have moved several times, I organised everything, he couldn't even manage to pack his own clothes. I have been the one to have "the talk" too, i asked him as the two oldest are boys - but he wouldn't - so i idid. I learnt a long time ago that if somethign needed doing in our house - either i had to do it or it didn't get done.

Doesn't make it right and can become very frustrating. It was a major reason in my decision to ask him to leave after 20 years. Our oldest son is disabled and he didn't offer any assistance there either. I worked 70-90 hours a week as a manager, came home worked more, still did all the looking after for our kids and organising etc.. if i ever asked him to do somethign - he was too busy or some other excuse.

I had a breakdown and gave up work and when i finally told him what was going on - yes - he put his head in the sand again. I think sometimes men are not taught how to deal with things. Communication, feelings, expressing feelings etc and we start out by accepting this and then it is too late by the time it really starts to grate on us.

Even my kids - 10/12/14 have commented on the fact that he never talked to any of us - just came home and sat on the lounge each day.

Don't know how to change them? If you figure it out - write a book as i am sure there are many people in same situation.

Answer 3

I have been married 12 and have a 10 yr old and an infant.
Yes, I DO ALL of the work.
He USED to take out trash help with housework...now I am lucky to get him to hold the baby while I shower.
He NEVER gets up at night to help with the baby, not even if he knows that he has the next day off!
I also have a job, and he never thinks how hard it is on me.
I have a really bad back, herniated discs from top to bottom...and I am 40 .
I have found him sound asleep in the computer chair holding our baby! He has almost dropped her 2x.
Then he says, "I am tired."
Like I am not? Like I would not want to lie my tired bones down to sleep at night?
I have had to stay up until 3 am just to do HIS laundry, bc he had no uniform to wear to work.
DO not think you are alone...bc you are not...there are others who are in the same boat as you

blessings

Answer 4

You are an enabler - you let him get away with it. You trained him to be this way.

If you don't like it, stop cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry for him until he starts to chip in.

Better yet, EVERYONE in your household should have some responsibility (even the kids). Don't you have a chores list????

Tell your hubby that you want your kids to be responsible adults and you want them to learn you are a family unit and with a family unit EVERYONE helps out equally. Tell your husband you are making a chores list and he's going to be on it too to set a good example for the kids!!!

Then, once he gets used to a little work - he may "pick up" on the fact that he needs to pitch in too.

Answer 5

I am not married but we have been together for 8 years. Our son is 18 months and I feel like I do it all by myself. I do everything for my son . It's like pulling teeth to get him to do anything. And my son is always so drawn to him. Who knew that it would be this way ! I also make the majority of the money . I guess after reading your details theres probably no hope in him growing out of being like this !! LOL

Answer 6

I know what you are feeling, I have gone through 5 years of it and my children are young. I also do all the planning for everything and am the disciplinarian. I am so sick of it. I don't know what the right answer is otherwise I would have done it. You should commend yourself on your staying power. Almost feels like you are raising another child doesn't it? Good luck. If you figure it out please tell me.

Answer 7

I feel for you, I'm on your side. I was married for 16 yrs. Before
I finally left my deceased spouse :~) Things were falling apart for YRS. before that and I only have 2 boys.

Good job, keep it up... you are the backbone of the Family :~)

PS. Spouse passed away 18 mos. after I left.

Answer 8

I also feel this way. He goes to work and that is it. He is done, except now he has to take care of his mother too. But I feel that I raised our kids. Plus I went to school and worked full time when our youngest went into first grade. But they are wonderful kids and for that, I am grateful.

Answer 9

I hate telling women that their husbands are not acting like very good supporters, and in this case it sounds like he isn't. If what you say is true, he needs to step things up a notch and involve himself more in his kid's lives and support you in raising them better. I suggest you talk to him about your concerns.

Answer 10

You have been married and living this way for 22 years so what is the problem now? You should have been working on these issues way before now. But it is never to late. Try to talk to him or go to marriage counseling.

No my husband is not like this. He might of been but I would not allow it from the beginning of our marriage. I told him we are a team and we will play like a team!