What would you do if your fiance said things to intentionally hurt you when you were fighting?

Question

I have been with my fiance for 3 years. We have 3 children. I have one from a previous and he has twins from a previous. We have a great family and happy kids.......most of the time. When we argue or get in a fight about even the most trivial and stupid things my fiance says VERY hurtful things to me. He will say he's cheated on me, or is cheating, or that he doesn't love me, or doesn't care if I leave or stay. When the fight is over he says he just says those things to hurt me, ecause it's the only way he can get to me and that of course none of it is true and I should know that he doesn't mean it. It hurts a lot I feel like my heart is broken repeatedly and I would do anyhting for him to stop acting out that way. I have left him about 4 times and every time I leave he begs me to come back and says he can't live without me and he loves me, buys me flowers he goes all out...but after a little while it goes back to the same old same old.

Answer 1

I would say "Obviously you are more interested in being angry then in working this out...come talk to me when you can discuss this without being hurtful". Then walk out of the room or leave for a couple of hours. Just because he is angry, doens't mean you have to stand there and be verbally abused.

Answer 2

You two have to stop acting up, as this must mess the kids' s heads up. The part when you leave.
You know by now that his aim is to hurt you when you two get into a fight, then why let him?
Why not give him a bit of his medecine? Or even better act like you've heard it all before and couldn't care less.
I think that to actually ignore him would be better; As this will hurt and also wake him up a bit. As in he's been milking it too much.
Also, when he starts in this mode, you should take the role of the adult, and treat him as a kid.
I'd use an adult voice and really make him feel that he's behaving like a kid.
What's more, you should sit down both of you and wonder where you two visualize yourself in a few years down the line?
Do you want to be a proper and stable family?
Well, in that case, you do have both of you to grow up a little bit and act the part.
I think that you two are acting in a very selfish way, as this situation of leaving and saying those hurtful things must be stressing for the children.
I can't imagine them saying only good things about you when they go and see their other parents.
You two definitely need to grow up and set a good example to children who are already under the stress of being in a composite family!

Answer 3

Your boyfriend probably learned this hurtful behavior over the years -- maybe that's how his parents fought, i don't know.

What i do know is that you both might consider sitting down and talking about this in a calm manner... perhaps you could discuss that, the next time you argue, stay on topic, sit down and try to discuss things calmly, instead of yelling, name calling and generally hurting each other.

Disagreements can be solved without threats, bringing up the past or name-calling. Besides, this is the way children handle things, not adults. You could also stop everything and agree to take an hour or so each, next time you argue... then sit down and try to come to some solution or compromise.

You could also suggest some sort of counseling to learn better communication skills, or, if you are both willing, find a self-help book or some self-help websites on inter relationship communication skills.

I'm sure this is difficult for you... his way is engrained in his brain, and until HE decides he sounds pathetic when he argues, he won't stop.

I hope it works out.

Answer 4

Sweetie, you need to leave and not look back. The more you allow a behaviour to be acceptable the worse it will become. I have learnt this the hard way.

If he knows that he can treat you this way and you will always come back with a little bit of encouragement - he will keep doign it, it may only be hurtful words right now - but leave while it is still only that.

Have you ever heard the saying "things said in the heat of the moment are more often than not the truth?" I also like to call what he is doing "pushing your buttons" - people know how to do this and upset someone and deliberately do it to get a specific reaction, in your case he knows how this makes you feel and does it to cause that reaction.

If he really loved you do you think he would hurt you this bad all the time? do you really love him? I recommend speaking to someone at a womens centre/counsellor - i think they will be able to discuss the issue more easily and help you to understand. To me it really sounds like a passive/agressive relationship and do you know this is a form of control that is included in domestic violence topics?
My suggestion - Leave - if he really wants things to work out then tell him you are happy to do this, but cannot move back with him until he can prove that the situation will change. This may take time. Explain that you need to be positive that it will not be the same before you move back in together but that you would like to remain together - just living seperately and trying to work things out. If he is not interested in this then JUST LEAVE!

Answer 5

Cuz when we fight we wanna do everything possible to hurt the other so the excuse he's using isn't really an excuse its the truth all people do it, it's a natural response. If some1's making u feel bad u want them to feel just as bad when ur fighting, 1 day the world will grow up and stop but until that day comes we have to learn how to block the bad things people say out of our heads!!

Answer 6

First you should NOT put up with this. He is playing mind games with you. How would he like it if you did the same to him? You should tell him to stop or you're going to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. But actually follow through with it. Like change your number when you leave him so he can't get a hold of you and try and change your mind. If he really loves you the way he says he does he will stop doing this to you.

Answer 7

This cycle sounds unhealthy for both you and the kids, and you have two (reasonable) options: 1) Decide that the emotional toll this relationship is taking on you isn't worth sticking around for, or 2) get a counselor (even though you aren't married, they specialize in these types of relationships) and see if there are any deeper issues that you don't know about (instead of having all the heat come to you.)

Answer 8

And until you take a firm stand, the cycle will repeat for as long as you allow it. You've TOLD him he hurts you w/ his wicked tongue, and yet he continues? If he loved you, really loved you, he would do everything NOT to hurt you!!! Don't Marry Him !!! And you should leave for good if he breaks his "promise" one more time. You've already given him 4 chances too many (as far as leaving!!). You don't deserve that treatment. Would you want your child to grow up and act & treat people the way your fiance' treats you?? If the Answer is "NO", then leave, and don't look back. Children mimmic their parents behavior, don't forget that.
Good Luck !!!

Answer 9

u made a mistake by giong back 2 him 4 times. if he says the same things over n over, then he's not sorry for it. if he was sorry he wouldn't say mean things 2 u over n over. if he has not changed after all this time the he is never giong 2 change. u need 2 find u someone else because u deserve better than him.

Answer 10

I think we all say things we don't mean in the heat of a battle.
This guy though, has serious problems with self esteem. It seems the only way he can hurt you is through his hateful words. He needs to grow up and control his mouth and his temper. Do you want your children to grow up to mimic him??? Because that's just what he teaching them.