How to get over husband's affair?

Question

My husband had an affair 1 year ago with a China gal. It took him 3 times (I discovered they were still communicating after the 1st and 2nd time he end the relationship infront of me, they promise me never to communicate during the 1st time) to part clean with her (I hope its really clean this time). The 1st 2 times was initiated by my husband, and the final time the gal look him up. I was so upset that I cut my hand with a scissors and had 7 stitches done in hospital. Initiated divorce twice but was not successful. He cut his own finger to show his remorse for the 1st time and enlist my parent's help for the 2nd time. I have been unable to trust him up till now and still cannot get over his infidelity. Though I moved on with him in our marriage for a year already but my heart is still not healed at all & I do feel hatred for him. We had 2 kids, now I'm 2 months pregnant and a homemaker. Divorce is not an option now. How can I forgive and forget to lead a normal happy life?

Answer 1

Forgive- if u can!

Forget- ya forget it cuz it won't ever happen!

Answer 2

If you are feeling hatred for this man; have you let him know how you feel? You say he cut his finger to show his love; sorry but that is too easy; he needs to show you in every way and every day that he can be trusted again. He must earn that trust back from you. 3 times cheating is very difficult to get over; if ever. Okay, the first time you thought it was a stupid mistake, but after that; and the fact he initiated it shows pure intention on his part. All I can suggest is that you voice your feelings; tell him what you need to heal from it all and hopefully you two can start over, as you say divorce is not an option. You say what can you do; how about what he can do to assist you in getting back some of the trust and belief in him again? He'll have to prove it to you; after all, we believe what we have experienced; not what people say. You will never forget that this happened; I know. I wish you strength and wish that this man of yours is finally able to grow up and take his marriage seriously. If not, no matter what, it will end in divorce.

Answer 3

Oh sweetie, I really sorry. It must really hurt.

First of all, he cheated on you. Then he lied about breaking contact with her. How many times, you know yourself. How can you ever trust him again?? If you can't trust him, how can you be happy with him? I probably shouldn't say this but it's a pretty bad time to be having another child.

All the hurt has a great effect on your children and as painful as it is, you have to think about whether you can be happy with this man. Because if you can't you are not being fair to yourself, your husband, or your children. Don't let them grow up in an unhappy and untrusting family.

Try therapy if you think it'll work for you but ultimately, you can't love and be happy if there is no trust. I'm not saying you have to trust him 100% because after all, you can forgive but to forget is foolish. But can you trust him at all? Do you really believe that he no longer has contact with the other woman? Do you believe that a few months or years down the road, he won't do it again if he has the opportunity?

Answer 4

Gosh, I think that the two of you need counselling, and not only to get over the infidelity.
What is this business of cutting yourself?
What's that supposed to mean?
What about your children when you do such a thing? Besides, you should realize that it doesn't mean anything, since he did it again.
Having children is a very good reason to fight for one's marriage, but being safe and sound and happy in a marriage is very important.
As much as you need your hubby and want him, if you don't value yourself, and don't realize that you are also important to your children, then you're not going to find happiness, nor on your own, neither in your marriage.
You don't want to become a burden to your husband, because, this to, can push someone further away.
I do understand your pain at being cheated on, I do, but if you disintegrate and show him that you are going insane and want to die, then, you'll never make him love you more.
He needs to want to remain married to you because, not only are you the mother of his children, you're also the woman he fell in love with: I don't know how you were, but, something tells me that you probably had some self respect and self worth.
It's time to remember those times.
Remaining married doesn't have to be a life sentence.
You have a child on the way;
Its health depends on how you take care of yourself.
So, is this child going to come to a miserable life, where parents are together because, they couldn't do differently, or are you going to make a choice and focus on the future.
You need to make your husband understand that you love him, but should he ever put one foot outside the line, he's OUT.
You are a MOTHER. A woman, but a RESPONSIBLE mother. So, focus on your children if they are the only reason you want to give your marriage a second chance. But if you want to be happy, you need to get a bit stronger lady, so that you get the respect you're due and a bit of backbone won't hurt either.

Answer 5

As for the affair it wont be easy at all. well you have every right to get you some strange your self. But all in all there is deeper issues for you as well as him. think back was there a time you didn't take an interest in him and make him feel like he was the drop dead gorgeous man you married. Or did you ignore him because he didn't romance you,put you before work,life,kids,etc. it doesn't matter true. He didn't involve you in his decision and that makes you mad. But even tho married couples start out on good intentions it gets distorted by life ,kids,hormones,etc. He didn't cheat because he didn't love you,it was the male drive to feel attractive too. Don't you get all warm and fuzzy inside when a man, Says your drop dead gorgeous,your a beautiful woman,or a young man thinks your a milf. hmm. I'm not mad at you. sorry if it seems that way.
Men & women are different creatures with different thoughts.
My first wife cheated on me for 9yrs until she spent bill money,didnt pay bills, and so forth. she filed on me because she wanted the man she wanted at that time. After yrs went by I was the cause of her cheating on me. I was a work hallic 2 jobs,working on house,playing with kids. But i didnt give her attention. The most important person that in the begining was her. sorry for the long letter but the most important things in life above riches and the world are poeple and memoreys.
sorry.

Answer 6

Wonderful he has an affair and let me guess you both figured having another child will FIX things?? What do you mean divorce it not an option??? if is in the USA he would have to pay child support and YOU can also find a JOB. You are not the only woman who has children, works, and makes ends meet. To stay in your marriage with doubt about your husband and not able to forgive which I understand you have that right.You will only be unhappy for the rest of your life and left wondering IS HE doing it again and is that woman GONE.

Answer 7

forgive, but never forget.
Open up the bible and recite the scripture. Help him to remember his vows TO YOU!
Remind him that HE made a promise to love honor and cherish YOU..not the little china girl.
But do not go overboard, make it subtle and not everyday
If his eyes wander, remind him what the bible states "If my right eye sins, cast it from me." In other words, cut it from the body so that the rest of the body is whole and can do the Lords work.
It may never be the same, but the words of our Lord and Savior may offer comfort and strength.

Answer 8

Dont listen to the hen club. They all want you to throw on your "Girl Power" T-shirt. Guy sounds like a bonehead for cutting himself to show remorse. What is he 12? You cant forget. If he is gonna be a responsible daddy, you have to forgive. Dont do ultimatums. Suck all he has for what he's worth and dont trust him again...period. This is a guy talking. He should have thought of the ramifications prior.

Answer 9

after you get counseling for yourself and couples counseling you either forgive and tell him it's done. and not bring it up ever. or you need to leave him. divorce is always an option, what are you going to do if you want to leave or he wants leave? seems a little melodramic and you need to think about the kids. they don't need to see arguing all the time.

Answer 10

Well for 1-you will NEVER forget or forgive him. I think you outta give him a taste of his own medicine, and make it known to him that it would not be impossible for a divorce. I know you dont want that, but why would you want to be involved with someone who doesnt love or respect you? Cut ties and tell him to get lost

Answer 11

If I were you I'd seek out help to get you on track, you will never forget what happened, forgive, that is like moving mountains.