Everytime I fight with my boyfriend I feel like giving up. Suggestions?

Question

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have the nicest guy in the whole world who I want to marry and who loves me to death. The problem is he likes to argue alot because he takes everything I say so personally because he is so sensitive. When this happens, I always tell him it is over. I am hurting him and our relationship and I don't know why I do these things. I always give up on people when they hurt me. I come from a divorced family, don't know if that is why but I am a grown up now so I have to take the blame for my behaviour.
Any suggestions on how to control my urge to walk away from people and shut them out of my life when they hurt me?
I feel so messed up.

Answer 1

I notice that you don't actually say you love him? I don't know how young you are, but you sound a bit like me when i was younger. Thought i had the nicest guy in the world, wanted to be with him, came from a divorced family and didn't want anything like that to happen to me and thought it wouldn't with this guy. As hard as it is you need to work this out NOW. don't wait until you've been together for a long time or are married. Things can change, but nothing is immediate. Can you both write down how you feel about what starts arguments and what you feel during and before them and have a calm discussion about it? If not then maybe a third party would be able to assist, by mediating the discussion, this could be a counsellor or someone from a church. Sometimes we have low self esteem, and as part of that we create ways to have others argue with us, to prove to ourselves what utter idiots we are and how worthless we are, this then proves we don't deserve anything. I would suggest you also start to look at building your self esteem and learning how to not be afraid of gettign hurt. Good Luck

Answer 2

If you really want to Marry this guy, then get used to having arguments and fights here and there, maybe both of you's need to be more careful in what you say to one another. Because your not Married it's easier to walk away and not have to deal with it, but when your Married the commitment and vows you both take are for better or for worse and you don't want to be like your parents and give up when the going gets tough. Maybe that is why you do give up, because your parents did.

Answer 3

You're hurting yourself because everytime you tell him it's over during a fight it is held against you....maybe not intentionally because he realizes you're merely angry in the midst of a fight, but on some level he interprets it as a threat. A threat that says "at some point in time this woman is going to desert me..." This makes a person protect themselves against you instead of trying their best to love you; they eventually come to the conclusion that building a fortress within a relationship is a waste of energy, and they leave you for their own peace of mind. You're probably right; this may be something you developed out of family dynamics you saw demonstrated at home, but if you want a real shot at happiness, it's something you'd better learn to drop right away before it sabotages your relationship. Counseling help is available through your local health department if this proves to be bigger than you can tackle alone, but face it and you can beat it. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

I'm a sensitve guy, too. My wife can't stand that about me.

It's your need to have your own way that makes you want to leave.
It also seems that you can't atriculate your feelings
without wanting to punish them by leaving and shutting them out. Let me ask you...Do you love him? Are you in love with him? Is it really important to you that stay with him?

If the answer is no to ANY of the questions, then you have some realizations to make, and you have to examine why "cutting and running" is your way of dealing with things you can't handle.

My advice to you is...to quit disengaging from your feelings when uncomfortable. Face and work thru
what gets you overwhelmed. You'll be a better person for it.

Good luck and take care.

Answer 5

I think first you need to consider therapy as you have hidden issues from your past. he should also get some kind of help with his problem with wanting to argue and being so sensitive. If you cannot come together then you definitely should go your seperate ways before you get married, have kids and bring them into everything. IF your married and you have kids it only will put more stress on your marriage and it will end in divorce.

Answer 6

First you need to realize it, then you need to do something about it. You keep doing it. Everytime you are about to do it you have to stop yourself and take a break. You need to think about the situation and keep your mouth closed until you spend time thinking about it. Think before you speak. You can control your urge to walk away by realizing that you do this. Taking actions to correct it. Talking to your boyfriend about why you react about this. You need to think deep down why you do this and when you are about to shut your boyfriend out remember that he is the nicest guy in the world who you want to marry and that you love to death.

Answer 7

i hate to argue, i hate to see people argue. Its the most wasteful thing a couple can do. I'll drive away for a few hours before i'll argue for 2 minutes. Next time, just leave and go cool off, its not worth it to continously argue.

Answer 8

Sounds as though you put up a guard because you are afraid of getting hurt. You want to beat him to the punch before he does. Stop saying those things to him if you do not like it.

Answer 9

Maybe you need to look at things from his point of view. Maybe some of the things you say hurt him badly.

The things we say can cut deeper than any knife can.

I think you need to listen more to what he's telling you and look at it from his P.O.V.

Answer 10

Keep doing that. Telling him it's over, in the heat of the moment. One day he will accept.