Men: Is this normal for you?

Question

MEN: Married and Single, imagine that you are in a committed relationship and that you don't live with your respective girlfriend; you live and work 2 hrs. away. In this scenario you've been dating about a year or so. You go out with the boys often. And you play in a band with others your age. Several bands. You're 33. You also bump into old (male) friends and go to dinner with them and their wives. Occasionally staying over at their place if it gets too late. (But you always call your girlfriend and let her know what's going on.) I'd never begrudge him his dreams or his friends. But I have a question. Trying to make the bigtime in bands and all that I've described: Is this normal for a committed, mature man or is this immature behavior?

I'm posting in this forum because I want answers from mature people.

Answer 1

I'm not a man, but I have a friend who is married and plays in a band.

It's part of his passion, and for a while when there was trouble at home (not between him and his wife; his wife had a horrible miscarriage incident that affected both of them tremendously), he quit for a while. Apparently after a while when things had calmed down, he needed to get back into it, which he did on a strictly casual basis until recently when they reformed the previous band (that was about to be signed when they broke up) and started making original music again.

Way before that incident, his wife wanted him to quit only because they were losing money (they cut an album and paid for it all out of pocket but couldn't sell enough cd's to make it back), but although she struggled to be supportive then, it paid off and the band started making money and getting a lot of attention. As long as he knows when enough is enough, it's fine.

Answer 2

Trying to pursue your dream of landing in bigtime bands is not a sign of immaturity. However, your level of commitment (from both of you) comes into play in this kind of relationship. You should both talk to each other & discuss things on how both of you can deal with this kind of round robin. Bands & muscians can take a long time before hitting it big. Perhaps he is building his connections, thus the overnight thingy with old buddies. Nevertheless, 2 hours distance is not a hindrance if he would prefer to go out with you & the group specially so if the wives are there. Perhaps the reason why he does not want to bother you to go along with him is because it's not your kind of crowd. Sometimes, it takes a musician to know another muscian. Think about it. If you could take this kind of behavior, then i guess you have to go along with him in pursuing his dreams. If not, then i guess, you can just leave & go on with your life. It's a matter of preference, you see. :) Hope that helps.

Answer 3

Well, I can speak from experience. I did play music for a living and I toured with famous people. I had two wives leave me over it before I met and married my third (and late) wife. I told them that they knew what I was when they met me and that I was on the road alot. The BIG difference however was I made it to the "big time" before I was 20 years old. At age 33, he needs to get serious and settle on something, otherwise he will end up being a 50 year old lounge lizard or something.

Answer 4

Is he a good musician? I think that it's good if your partner has a dream and he's still persuing it. Don't discourage him. Cause if the shoe was on the other foot and you were passionate about something and he didn't support you, you would be upset. It's a positive dream. Let him do his thing. He also respects you enough to call, which is very good thing.
I personally want to be a DJ and I'm 37. I'm now making enough money to buy equipment. It's something I've always wanted to do since I was 13-14 and I'm gonna do it. I've always put my family first. As long as I'm not sacrificing the well being of myself and my family it's all good.

Do you go to his gigs? You should be his number one fan.

Answer 5

Sure is! He is still quite young. I'm 41, had an opportunity when i was 25 ( right before i married my x-wife ) and chose to do the mature thing, become a family man, have kids, buy a house, boat etc.........Wish i knew what was going to happen years to come. Now i'm 41 back to pursuing the dream. It's fun trying anyway!!

Answer 6

I think he's just a young at heart kind of guy. If he's still doing this at 33, he'll never be the type to settle for something that isn't a part of his dreams, mature or not. If you care about things like careers and money/comfort/stability, you're on your own. He's a dreamer....

I wouldn't recommend having kids w/ him in the future unless you intend to support them financially.

Answer 7

Mature men realize that by 33 their dreams of being Matchbox 20 are over. Commit.

Answer 8

This is total normal behavior for a muso.There is a saying over here(aussie) an overnight success takes 7 years. Be patient and understanding. He sounds very commited to u and the music and ringing you to tell u where he is everytime shows he has respect.

Answer 9

I hate to tell a person to give up on their dreams, but it is unlikely that he will be the next Bruce Springsteen (or who ever). It would be far more attainable to do it as a hobby or a part-time business.

My ex has actually ridiculed me for my ambitions that she decided were "ridiculous". She was out of line to be such a b***h about it in her approach, but she always thinks in the here and now with very little view of the future. Explains why I am better off financially than her and her husband (both are very good friends of mine BTW).

Answer 10

People who play in bands party most of the time. But on what your asking, I don't think it's about being mature I mean whats the issue on him acting like a boy nor an adult? You say he calls you and lets you know whats going on. Well he's doing something to make you feel comfortable to trust him. But define on being mature. On how you talk about this guy, I see some one who know what he likes to do.