What do you think of parents who use their children to get back at their ex?

Question

like in divorce and custody fights?

Rebekah S .. I'm so sorry to hear :(

And yes you know that what you are doing is the best thing you can for your children..go off on Anyone who dares to say different!

Answer 1

I think they're mostly women.

Answer 2

What do I think....

I know it has happened to some of my friends, of both genders, and mostly it is just tragic for all concerned.

The most recent example I can think of involves the ex wife hinting that the father may be abusing the child in order to obtain full custody and later admitting (after said father was denied any access to his then 6 year old daughter for a over a year) that she was lying, pressured, she said by her new boyfriend who wanted to play family with her.

Why did she do this? I'll give you the fathers reasons:

1) Because she wanted a nice stable nuclear family with her new boyfriend without troubling much over him.

2) Because she had some legitimate concerns over the fathers alcohol use, and did not want the child around him but that would not have prevented him from seeing her. Only an accusation of abuse would do that.

3) Because the split was antagonistic and they used to get into verbal fights a lot, and she did not like him.

4) Because the time the daughter spent with him was "fun time" on holidays and weekends, so she would always come back wanting to see dad again where poor mum had all the humdrum.

Pretty charitable for a guy falsely accused of abuse, wouldn't you agree?

What I think, is that the whole child/custody system sets parents up as adversaries, and even educated and compassionate parents get tied up in that system to their own detriment and that of the child. Some act maliciously, some act for what they think is the good of the child without any regard for the good of their ex partner.

The situations are really complex, it is almost never as cut and dry as it seems, and some understanding and human compassion are needed to help everyone make the best of what are appalling situations a lot of the time. Helping people find solutions is far better than judging them.

Answer 3

Well the case given before this, of a parent on meth is NOT a case of using the children to get back at the ex; clearly, it's a case (assuming it's true) of protecting the children. That's not what you're asking about.

My parents divorce way back when it was much less common than now, and they never did any of that. I must say, when I first became aware of how a lot of parents abused their kids that way I was absolutely horrified.

I describe it as "grabbing the child by the ankles, and beating the other parent with them." Yeah, you hurt the other parent, but look what you're doing to the child, who is in no way at fault, whatever was wrong with the marriage.

Despicable.

There should be some sort of check on divorcing parents to prevent this -- counseling, so they deal with their problems between them, rather than hurting their kids.

Answer 4

I think these parents are selfish, and know nothing about love. But then, that's why I didn't have kids. My ex was a very angry person, and I didn't want someone like that around children. Unfortunately, many people have children with their spouse right away, and don't really know the kind of person they are with. In my case, my ex hid a lot about his personality until after we married; and even hid quite a bit until after we divorced!

I feel so sorry for these children, they're the true victims of a selfish and vindictive parent.

Answer 5

I think it's terrible that some parents are guilty of this . A divorce is traumatic for the children in the best of parting circumstances without them being used as a tool of manipulation or vehement retribution between parents .
Parents should give their children's welfare the highest priority and not even speak ill of one another in the children's presence . The children need to know that both parents still love them as always and to know they had nothing to do with the parting of the parents .

Answer 6

I consider them sick and selfish, they do not care about the effect on their children. I knew one lady that kicked her 16 year old son out of the house because he visited his father. The father was living with his girlfriend, and she said the Son did not consider her feelings. The son lived with us for 2 years until he graduated from school. He has no relationship with his mother. His Father left town and we have not heard from him again.

Answer 7

I think they are disgustingly sick, selfish, and this should be considered a form of child abuse. I feel sorry for the child. Hopefully they can find strengh through some other means other than their parents.

Answer 8

children should always be left out of relationship quarels!!!!!
people who use children in that way should actually be punished or something like that
if anything people should do all they can to get along after a break up for the sake of the children

Answer 9

It is sad. However, there are certain situations that it can not be avoided. My situation is that my ex is a meth addict. I do not think it is in the best intrest of the children to be in his life. I do give them the option to call him any time they want. It is kind of difficult to explain to them that, "Daddy has an addiction and chose it over us." But I do not use them against him. Sadly, I can not even get ahold of him because he could not pay his phone bill.

Answer 10

Its a sign of insecurity and vindictiveness. I personally find it abhorrent and usually have to deal with the aftermath in therapy, as a Therapist, later on.

Answer 11

Scum of the earth... My X pulls that with me still... and it's 7 years after the divorce...The kids are beginning to see it though.... and that's a good thing.