my wife, weight, sex, and attraction?

Question

first off i love my wife dearly, we have been together for 10years. we have four children, and through it all, she has gained weight, which is to be understood. Our problem is that, i have a problem getting stimulated, because of the weight. women have a problem understanding that men are visual creatures. we are stimulated visually, not emotionally. SEX has little to do with love for men....My wife notices how i am bother, but i cant lie or hide, even though i wish i could... i really wish sometimes God would put something in me to like or even love her weight, but right now its not my preference.. and suggestions? She does make attempts to work out, but she gets horny in the mean time, i refrain because in the act she would know im not totally there. i even offer to please her by other MEANS, but this is not satifactory. what a i to do, i dont want to let her go, but y preference has been the same since i was a teen im 38 years old now....help if you can

Answer 1

Take losing weight and getting healthier as a new turn in both your lives. It took 10 years to put it on.. it'll take more than a week to take it off. You stood by her through each of the 4 children.. you need to stand by her now. Tell her you want both of you to begin eating healthier.. start making your lives more active together. Work out with her.. start making a date of measuring inches together. By all means, though, go out of your way to notice how much weight she's losing, how more tone she is getting, even if it's just BS, because we women tend to give up if we think it's not getting noticed...

I think the more you do together and the more you help her get back in shape, the more you will desire your wife!

Answer 2

I understand your dilemma but can u imagine how your wife must feel. Wow, I bet she is hurting badly! I suggest that u offer to take morning or evening walks w/her. 10 years ago I lost 110 pounds in 12 months by watching what I ate(not overly obsessed w/dieting either, just watched what I ate)drinking water, cutting out sodas & walking 30-45 minutes 5 days a week. Since she is trying and working out I don't think she would be offended if u approach her by saying something like "I can see that your weight gain bothers u & I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT, but what can I do to make losing this weight easier for u....Wanna start taking walks together to get some cardio?" DO NOT, I mean DO NOT approach it like u have a sexual problem because of her weight gain. Remember she IS still the same woman u married. I think u do realize that, but u are attracted to a certain physical type & it's not like u can just change that overnight. If she feels that u are turned off by her then she will get depressed & the more depressed she gets then the more she may eat. Alot of people find comfort in food. Look at all the movies and/or TV shows, even commercials that show women sitting there indian style crying w/a gallon of ice cream in their laps. That is not comedy in some cases. That is reality. It sounds like u truly love your wife so just try to help her. Even if u do not want to lose weight or U don't need to get a family gym membership to a gym w/ a daycare facility. Make it a family thing & a fun thing. Go buy her some new workout clothes & some nice expensive new athletic shoes. Buy her a Bike to ride for some cardio. We converted our garage into a gym. We have 6 machines. 3 cardio machines and 3 weight lifting & toning machines. We don't need a gym membership anymore. Of course, my husband has it decorated with Rock&Roll posters and Beer lights & mirrors and he calls it the "MAN CAVE" but it is a little workout room. We have tv/vcr/dvd in there and surround sound so we don't get bored. I am just throwing out some suggestions that have worked for me and my struggle w/weight. Don't give up on her. Just work w/her on this struggle and in the mean time do the best u can do in the sex department. Not much advice I can give u on that topic. Good luck!

Answer 3

1. You ARE being unrealistic if you expect your wife to look like a teenage girl if she's now in her late 30s and has had 4 kids.

2. How overweight is she? What would be acceptable as far as helping you get aroused??

3. Once you figure out what would be acceptable - instead of criticizing her about her weight (which you should NEVER do because you'll just make it worse) - you should take a deep interest in making your entire family healthy!

This means you should tell your wife you want her to get rid of all the junk food, this means your family should walk after dinner every night, this means that you and your wife should join some type of exercise event (i.e., like square dancing or something like that) so that you both begin to eat right and exercise. This also means that YOU need to help out with the household chores ALOT so that you both have time to work out together.

4. Her weight issue is not just her issue and she is not the only one responsible for it. It is a family lifestyle that the family develops and is responsible for.

5. Have you CONSIDERED that maybe the reason you aren't aroused isn't because of her, maybe you have a physical problem (a hormonal imbalance, impotence, prostate cancer issue) and that's the reason why you can't get aroused....??? Get yourself checked out by your doctor to make sure.

Answer 4

You should both start a new workout and diet plan together. If you expect her to improve, then you should improve also, just so it's fair. If you're not overweight, work on your arm muscles or something when you go to the gym with her while she does cardio.

I understand what you mean. I love my husband but if he got overweight I wouldn't be attracted to him sexually. You should also know that just because she has kids is NOT an excuse to be unhealthy. I have twin toddlers and I'm still the same size 4 that I was in high school. I also saw a woman the other day in some parking lot with FIVE children, she was probably 120 pounds. It's all about eating healthy and exercise for those people who aren't blessed with a great metabolism.

~Don't give up hope, do something about it. You'll both be healthier and benefit in the long run so stop wasting time and just diet and exercise.

Answer 5

Well, I can hear the sincerity in your letter, I can see you have a lot of feelings here and I kinda understand. It is obvious you love your wife.
What the 2 of you should [what I do and my husband] do is focus on working out together. My husband and I do that. We go walking at night, it gives us time to talk and exercise. Go for a long walk though otherwise no results + the kids should love it.
In fact my sister in law and her husband joined Weight Watchers together and both loss a lot of weight. It brought them closer since it was a hobby they did together! They sound like newly weds now in a lot of ways.
You have to do this with her, make her feel loved and make it fun. Ask her to do it with you , for the two of you but do not ignore her no matter how hard it is for you.
Do the cooking sometimes or the dishes if she gets tired so she can go walking with you or make the low fat meals yourself. I know I get really tired so my husband does some of the chores so we can go to the park.
If you make it a couple thing then it will work in the long run. Just be patient and keep the goal in sight. As for now all you can do is make love to her or you will hurt her.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Well, like it or not, a guy can't fake sexual attraction. Women can pretend, but if it's not stiff, there isn't anything short of Viagra you can do about it. This isn't shallowness or anything you can control, it's just the way your brain works, so there is nothing for you to feel ashamed of. It's not something you can control

She'll either have to learn to live with the fact that you aren't interested in her sexually the way she is, but that you still love her and your children, or she'll have to make an effort to lose the weight. You can help her by encouraging her to work out, finding more physical activities to do with the family, or helping her eat better. (This is hard to do, since you always seem to end up nagging, which makes the other person resent you and feel pressured.)

Really, it's up to her. If she needs sex and she wants to stay with you, she will have to try to lose the weight. It may not seem fair, or right, but there isn't much you can do about it. A penis is not something you can have a logic discussion about right or wrong with.

Answer 7

Find a way to exercise at least 5 to 6 days WITH your wife. It's very hard for a woman to feel motivated enough to do it on her own no matter how much she wants to lose weight. Also, help her with the choices of food you eat together. You can always eat more of something that is planned for that day. Make it easier on her not to choose the wrong diet. Study the foods you like and find the ones that contain the most nutrition and add new foods in. This does not mean to become her drill sergeant or to make her feel bad if she eats something that is not on the diet. Making a person feel guilty only adds to their stress and low self-esteem. A woman's body is designed to retain weight and after having children it gets harder and harder to keep the weight off. Be compassionate. If you both work together, you can create a healthy diet plan that can become a way of life; Not a temporary fix or a life of hell. The important thing is to make your wife feel beautiful just the way she is. Beauty truly does come from within. The outside is just the icing on the cake. Love her and make love to her for who she is. Try harder to be attracted to your wife. Holding sex from her is punishment and will not help her at all. You say that sex has little to do with love for men.........well, it's not all about you. Sex has much to do with love to a woman. Think of her as well as yourself. You treat her like the queen she should be in your life and she will want to please you in any way she can.

Answer 8

How much weight has she gained? I gained about 20 lbs since the birth of my first ( and only) child who is almost 2. I used to be 95 lbs though and now I'm like 115, so I'm not overweight per say, but quite a bit thicker than I used to be. My husband says I still look fine but I bet if I gained 20 more, he wouldn't think so...Just encourage healthy eating, I think an average of 5 lbs per baby is to be expected so with four thats 20lbs right there. Eating citrus fruits, drinking water, and laying off the breads and pasta's will go a long way. She'll shed the lbs but it has to be a team effort.

Answer 9

I'm just wondering are you still the svelt man she married or have you gained some weight over the years. Maybe you should be happy she has given you four kids and still enjoys having sex with you. Consider working out as a couple maybe if you went as a couple she would be more motivated to lose some weight. Really though if you have put on the weight you have no right o deny your wife sexual pleasure.

Grow-up please unless she is crushing you when you have sex stop your complaining.

Answer 10

My wife and I are both big people and honestly her weight doesn't bother me, because I fell in love with her for WHO she is, NOT what she looks like, and I love her for WHO she is, no what she looks like.

Honestly I don't buy the excuse that men are visual creatures, my wife doesn't have the body of a porn star, but I find her very attractive, because she's a confident person, and that confidence to me, makes her sexy.