I need to hear this from someone elses' point of view, husband doesn't want to help around the house, why?

Question

My husband is 21. He is military. I am a stay at home mother, and in a month or so I will be full time babysitting a few kids for money, and he will be deploying again. It is saturday. I have lots of chores I need to get done everyday. I usually ask him during the weekday to do simple things like take out the trash or change a diaper. Well, I really need the laundry folded, dishes washed, and some little needed things to get done and do my school work today (which is much needed). I asked him to help me do laundry but he threw a fit and said he doesnt understand why we have to do so many chores all the time. I wonder if the thinks he has the right to sit around all day (it is (9:30 and still no shower, brushed teeth, etc..) and do absoultly nothing! How should I approach this? He wont listen to me!! I feel like I could just do it myself instead of begging him to help out.

I am trying to get him to understand that he is not only a soldier (if his sergent askes him to do something he jumps on it in seconds) but he is a father, husband, and an adult. He doesn't see it like that, he still thinks he is 16.

Answer 1

Sounds like the two of you need to throw in the towel for the day!! LOL... I mean it, leave the chores lay, get dressed nice and go out and do something, anything together - make some memories!!! Do you really think in a month, when he is deployed again, you're really going to wish you had taken the time to fold that one basket of laundry or washed those dishes? I bet you won't even remember what plate was dirty? But, you will remember when you held hands while the kids played at the park, or jumping in leaf piles together like you were 10 again!!!

Sure, chores have to be done... yes, he should help.. on the other hand.. it sounds like he's feeling a little bogged down at home and could use some "happy time"! (And you too!!!)

Don't let this day go by without making good memories together... as a friend of mine said, and I'm sure I'm not saying it quite as elegantly... every 10 minutes you spend angry are 10 minutes of your life that you weren't happy and are gone forever ...

Answer 2

First, he should be willing to help assuming you dont harrass him at night when he gets home from work. However, having been a stay at home parent and also having raised a child ALONE for the past 6 yrs, maintaining the household and working along with serving on numerous local boards, I KNOW there isnt that many things that need to be done that it should take all day or even more than a few hours per week. I wonder what people do with their time that they have so much left to do all the time. MAKE a schedule and stick to it. A load of laundry a day etc- DONT let it pile up because then it really sucks. Pull out the hoover and suck those floors clean 2-3 times a week- this NEVER takes more than 15-20 minutes unless you are playing or have a 4000 sq/ft house. Do the dishes after every meal and boom it is done.



Some of the women who answered are sooooo funny with their stories. It reminds me of a couple friends (they are husband and wife) she told me one time that he doesnt do anything around the house. I walked her through things making sure she told me what he did rather than me telling her. Turns out he mowed the lawn, cut wood for the fire and took care of the stove, did all the snowplowing and shovelling of snow, all the other yard work, built a shed and the list went on. People never seem to appreciate or realize what others actually do because they are too busy convincing themselves that they have it so hard.

Answer 3

He is a boy in a man's body. He still thinks that Mommy (you) should pick up after him and he doesn't have to do anything to help you. I think if this continues, you should go to marriage counseling and iron out your resentments and hurts. He thinks because he is a soldier he doesn't have to help you at all...what can you do. See if you can get a schoolgirl to come in on Saturday who will do a few chores for you after school, like folding clothes, dishes washed, vacuuming. If not, then try to do things yourself as best you can...It is very difficult. I came from a generation where the men never helped at all, although my husband always helped with the kids and cleared off the table, but other than that it was up to me to keep the home clean. So this shared responsibility is something new to me, but maybe a compromise, if not hire a schoolgirl on Saturday to help you.

Answer 4

My husband didn't really understand the concept of helping me out because I did everything (happily and while employed full time) before the kids came along. This was partly my mistake. I just did what I thought a wife should be doing. When I realized that he had no concept of how much extra work the kids added and how I was struggling at times to get everything done, I found a solution. I put him in my shoes for a long weekend (4 days) I went out of town with a girlfriend and laughed, lounged around on the beach and drank like a fish. I left instructions for him to take care of the kids, do the laundry, cook and do all of the things that I do for 4 days. I told him I expected the house to be spotless when I got home. It should be simple since it was expected of me. Two things happened. I got a wonderful break from my routine and returned refreshed and ready to tackle motherhood again. He got a taste of what it was like to care for two children full time and was totally humbled. He begged me to never, ever leave for a trip like that again. He started pitching in more and became the most appreciative husband ever. We now have four kids and while getting chores done gets much easier as they get older (on some days) he is there and ready to lend a hand when my schedule gets hectic and he doesn't expect perfection. I've taken a few trips like that sense and he does much better on his own now! Life is good! Hope that helps :)

Answer 5

I am also a stay at home mom and my husband works weird shifts but is home for several days at a time. I would never ask him to do chores. That's my contribution to our marriage. He works hard and pays all the bills, pays for food, clothes and all activities. The least I can do is make sure when he is home he can just relax. I also have kids and don't get why everyone makes this a big deal. I can clean the house do all the laundry and still have time to watch T.V. or get coffee with friends. He doesn't ask me to come to work and run some machines so he can be done faster. Just do it, get a schedule going and follow it and make sure you relax.

Answer 6

A case in favor of pre-marriage counseling. This should have been discussed before getting married. You could have compromised or at least known what the expectations of the chores were, but that doesn't do you any good now. It's a good lesson for people yet to be married. Now, you need to have a civil meeting with him, (maybe with a moderator), and work out compromises with everything that needs to be done and when. Personally if you were nagging me at 9:30 and thinking that was sitting around all day I wouldn't want to fold laundry for you either.
Nagging will get you no where, if he's a man and he loves you he'll listen and compromise with you. If he puts his hand over his ears and hums to drown you out, well, you've got a in-marriage counselling session in your future.

Answer 7

make a list of ALL the household chores, from changing diapers, taking out the trash, laundry,doing the dishes, shopping for groceries, vaccuming, etc and ask him which ones he would prefer to do. Being a husband and father means sharing the responsibilities at home too.

Answer 8

Let the house go to crap and then see if he will start helping out. If he asks why the house is messy step in there and tell him because you are so lazy and that's why chores are a daily routine. Because if you do not do a little bit each day and leave it sit it just gets bigger and bigger. Tell him no hanky panky until he starts chipping in on the chores. Tell him the he has responsibilities he is a fatherand a husband and that your not his MOMMA. That he needs to grow up
and get off his butt.

Really maybe you need to yell at him like his sergeant and that will get him movin. Or consider getting his sergeant to give him a talkin too.

Answer 9

OMG this is freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!!

Seriously though that is my DH (dear husband) in a nutshell.

THEY ARE LAZY. Not all men but quite a lot of them are! I work full time and so does he. The only thing he does is cut the grass and take out the trash and do the occasional car maintenance. I do everything else from laundry, dishes, dirty diapers, cooking, groceries, bills, his hair cuts, children's baths, children children children. He sits on his butt mostly and saying how busy he's been and how tired he is and that he needs a rest! Oh and I know how busy he has been at work...because we work in the same company and I'm two offices down from him!

Personally I've been able to get him to help out by refusing to do certain things and then absolutely not doing them. I tell him that it is his job from now on and I WILL not do it...regardless if the trash piles up...DH hates that...

Answer 10

HOPEFULLY, you have family or a VERY good friend that can help you with this - you will need cooperation from a trusted second party on this - - but trust me, it will work.

Plan a short vacation at a family member or friends house - do NOT tell your husband where or with whom you will be staying - 2 days will be PLENTY of time. You will NOT be taking the kids - they WILL be staying home with Daddy. Leave at least 2 hours before he is due to arrive home on Friday evening - have the babysitter tell him you only told her you would be gone overnight, but you had to leave because your friend was very sick and you had to leave. Make SURE the babysitter will NOT stay around to help Daddy out. YES, he will freak, but OH WELL!!

After a few DAYS and NIGHTS in YOUR shoes, he surely WILL understand and appreciate all you do around the house!!!! DON'T CAVE IN AND LET HIM OFF THE HOOK GIRL!!!