If someone is shy, do you end up getting sick of them if their opening up process is very slow and gradual?

Question

I'm 26 but very shy and soft-spoken. I'm trying so hard to open up around people. I talk a little more than I used to and am trying to add to conversations, but I still find myself holding back a little and I'm still VERY soft-spoken and blush a lot when I start talking. I'm always worried about how I appear to others. And I'm constantly concerned about how my words and actions may affect someone else - for instance, I worry about bothering or annoying them if I say something. In turn, my opening up process becomes INCREDIBLY slow and gradual and I'm still a very quiet person.

If you were someone who witnessed my slow process, would you get sick of me because of that?

Answer 1

One reason this process is so slow is because you're constantly evaluating how you're coming across to people and worrying that you're intruding on them by talking. That's where you're going wrong, not in the talking to them. People are social animals. We all need other people so good for you that you keep on trying even though it is so hard for you. That is a real risk.

You might suffer not from shyness, but from social phobia. You can look this up online. I used to suffer from it and I can tell you I know what it is like to want so badly to feel at ease with people, but not know how. Other people seem to jump into a conversation but you can't figure out how they do it. Then when you try, you evaluate each and every word and imagine everyone else goes home and evaluates your each and every word....but they're not doing that.

I think people are basically kind, at least the ones you need to deal with. If you are trying and you're pleasant and are always sure to say hi and smile and if you're a good listener, no they are not going to get sick of you. People love good listeners because they love to talk about themselves, but don't get stuck in a rut that you develop relationships where you give and give because you're afraid to ask for anything. Still, for practice purposes in social situations, being pleasant and listening, planning some leading questions, are good ways to get through an event.

You sound like you have very low self-esteem which I think anyone with social phobia must have. It might not hurt to have some therapy with someone who specializes in this. Not all therapists understand this problem, though, so you have to sometimes shop around even though that in itself is hard for someone with this problem.

Good luck to you. It is slow and you may never be an extrovert, but you are obviously a very strong person because you keep trying. It would be easier to just stay home and say you can't do it, so you are going to be really proud of yourself one day when you look back and say, "Look at all I have accomplished." You'll marvel at the things you do that you couldn't do at one time. And yes, the process is slow. It took you all these years to get to this point so it won't change overnight. You have to put yourself in social situations. Volunteer, work, join a club, go to church and so forth. It will pay off in the end. I am rooting for you!!

Answer 2

No.

It's ironic, but, on the one hand, you feel insigificant, yet you also seem to think you're much more poerful than you really are.

Your words are very unlikely to "affect" anyone else, unless you start spewing ugly insults all of a sudden.

And now you're worrying about people analyzing how you are, and having really strong reactions to it.

Although most people won't warm up to you really fast, since you don't put yourself out there, you won't alienate people either.

you worry WAY too much about every little thing. No one pays that much attention to other people as to analyze everything you say.

Why do you assume that what you have to say will annoy people?

You've sort of painted yourself into a corner with your fears: If you speak, you'll annoy; if you're silent, you'll annoy.

Everyone annoys someone else at some point. You need to learn how to now worry about that unnecessarily. You can't avoid it; it's not the end of the world when it happens.

I think you could use some professional help. What you've written suggests some issues about not feeling you have the right to BE. You worry WAY too much about everyone else, and not at all about just living your life.

There are people who can help you sort through this. If the first you try doesn't help, you have the right to look for another.

Answer 3

I have to admit, in the past I have been annoyed by people that are shy, especially when I feel that it is something that I am doing that is keeping them shy. Sometimes the insecurity is not just with the shy person, but the person they are hanging out with. They could be thinking, "I thought she might start being more friendly by now, it must be me!" Other times I have known many shy people that have been labeled as snobs, which obviously many of them are not, but they are just that shy. In the end, people are going to pass judgments, and if you feel that they've crossed the line doing so, just don't associate with them anymore. I think if you are looking for time, and if they are interested in being your friend they will stick around. It's important to be thoughtful and mindful, but to be worried about annoying someone, you shouldn't have to feel that way.

It's important to just let everyone know that you can be a little shy, and in that aspect you are telling them something about yourself that really breaks that mold of shy just by starting a conversation. It never hurts either to know that someone is going to receive and appreciate your contribution to the conversation otherwise it wouldn't be taking place.

Answer 4

I will either walk away or push you to talk. You worry about other people too much.

If other people get bothered or annoyed by you, it is their responsibility to tell you so and/or walk away. If they don't, it's their problem, keep talking.

You must feel guilty easily, or made to feel guilty when you grow up. Try EFT, www.emofree.com, and see if you can help yourself with this shyness.

And be courageous, even just once. At a social gathering, let go of all your worries and inhibitions, and act foolishly open and talkative. See what happens. You'll probably find what you fear the most, never materialize. It's all in your head.

Answer 5

I don't think so. As long as you have a problem talking, I will assume that your listening - to me! I love to talk, I hate to say it. I have the opposite problem, I think I'm boring people. Are you still reading? Just be you, your concern of other's feelings shows your a caring person.

Answer 6

Guess what. You're not alone. You could be me the way you're talking.