My mother in law is in her 70's & smoked since age 19. She now is in stage 4 copd & we have her under hospice care. Now she stays in her house & is still mobile, however, she has nurses that come once a week & a home health aid that comes twice a week. My ma in law doesn't like to go anywhere & she doesn't want to get baths. She puts the nurse off all the time. So you have to know that this house smells like old lady. She keeps me & my hubby on the go, but we at least get breaks from her. Today I came in the house & smelled smoke (she was required to quit after getting oxygen) but she still sneaks the smokes. We just got thru installing a $8,000 a/c system but ma in law still smokes anyways.
Why would her doctor place her under hospice care? How can I have more patience. I am not mean, I just get frustrated sometimes with her. She has started asking me where I am going, how long, etc. and I am not even her kid. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
2007-11-02 10:15:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You will look back at this time as one of the most difficult and painful experiences of your life. It is not easy, and there are no easy or quick fixes.
First, remember this, your mother-in-law knows she is dying. She is grappling with this; as well as her lot in life being what is. Understand she has a level of anger facing her imminent death and having to be treated as a baby -- her loss of dignity is affecting her. There is a certain point when an elderly and/or dying person believes it is their inherent right to be cranky and miserable, and it may just very well be their last right. When I get to that point, I may be that way too, as you may be also.
As for her smoking. What is it going to do, kill her? Is she not allowed some measure of enjoyment at the end of her days? Just make sure the oxygen doesn't blow up -- let her have a smoke break in a place that is acceptable to you
Take this opportunity to have her reminisce about life; your husband as a child, her family, what she felt she accomplished. Look at old pictures and memorabilia. You will find that she will become a more gentler soul, and your last days together will be something to be cherished, not something you can't wait to be over.
Doctors frequently place patients under Hospice care as it provides a better environment for the dying. How would you rather die? In a strange nursing home with strangers, or in a home surrounded by loved ones?
There are support groups -- your VNA should know of some, your local church, and even Social Services. Avail yourself of any help and respite you can get.
See if you can get aides in more frequently. And, as for the "old-lady" smell, get the enzyme deodorizer they use in slaughterhouses and invest in a few aromatic air fresheners.
I went through it with my mother, and I would gladly put up with the stress, the old-lady smell, the cranky I'll-do-as-I-please attitude, and her sneaking her smokes to have her back.
2007-11-02 10:46:17 · answer #1 · answered by Lady S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
been there done that/ At this point in her life I doubt if she quits. She may only have one or 2 cigs a day, maybe that is why she is questioning where you are going. etc. She is probably sneaking them when you are not there. I would not go so far as to "give her permission" to smoke but making a big deal over with her is probably useless. As for the baths there are "bath towelettes" you can buy at the the drug store they are used for the elderly that can not get in and out of tub. They are bigger then the normal wet wipes. I am sure she is just too embarrassed and proud to have someone give her a bath. You may want to pick up a pack tell her what they are for and leave it up to her. As for the old lady smell. Fe breeze and room fresheners do help. Keep bedding clean and her clothes or else it all starts to smell musty. Try to find what might interest her. Cross words. books. word finds. You can find them in big print if vision is a problem. I know it is hard, try to get a break at some point and remember they are elderly and can be cranky and set in their ways. Hope this helps
2007-11-02 10:35:19 · answer #2 · answered by Patty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lets see she is 70 so she is set in her ways...You aren't going to change her. Hospice is normally called in when someone has less then 6 months to live....They also offer 5 days of coming in and sitting with her if you have other things to do so you are not stuck.
They offer all kinds of things not only to help you but, her. And 70 and still smoking and has copd well do you really think she wants to bother with quiting? Let her enjoy her last days doing what she wants....sorry dad has cancer and is on hospice and has less then 6 months to live.....He still smokes too....Let them be happy...Hang in there I know it is tough....
2007-11-02 10:22:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i have been in nursing&nursg.homes since, i was 16, iam now 47& i dont see how anyone could be put on hospice if they are not on their deathbed. you said she walks around?& is on o2.tell her she could blow herself up& you by smoking around that, its dangerous!my advice to you would be to tell her if she doesnt abide by you&your husbands & the doctors advice , you will place her in a nursing home. they are all definately smoke free.has the doctor gave her a certain amount of time to live?if so, their are stages of dying.&i know for a fact the first is denial,maybe shes in denial?theirs anger,frustration,hope,& the last one is acceptance.shes actually young, my mother is 62& shes smoked since she was 16.we just lost a 52 yr. old lady@ our home who had cancer.hope this advice helps. if you have any questions feel free to email me@ monicab_61@yahoo.com
2007-11-02 10:41:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me see time for her to move into nursing home she is in a
terminal situation and she is just going to do what she has done for most of her life. Tell her that you and her son are unable to care for as much as she requires and that she needs to sell her home and look for a care home. I know it sounds mean but really you not going to be able to tell her what not to do. She is in her 70's and will not change.
Good Luck and best wishes
2007-11-02 10:30:15 · answer #5 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first and foremost, when you married her son, you became her "daughter". (Daughter-in-law) i have been a home health aide for for years, and took care of my great grandmother in the 90's, so i know what you are talking about. if you are comfortable, give her a shower. i had a client who would never take showers when i first started working for him. i got him to start taking showers after i told him he smelled. just like that. i also told him that if my supervisor came to check on my work it would reflect badly on me, because it seemed i wasn't giving him the proper care. just talk to her and see if she can at least take a shower/bath once a week. you can also give her a bed bath on other days when you get her to smell better. good luck.
2007-11-02 10:27:46 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether they want to be approached, or left alone is usually the difference between approachable and not approachable. Anybody could be approached in a hypothetical situation, not all situations are hypothetical though. Most people pick up on when somebody wants to be left alone, and when they feel like approaching people, they usually let people know by approaching people.
2016-04-02 01:10:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have an important issue, but maybe "Marriage and Divorce" is not the appropriate place to post it. Unless of course you're considering leaving your spouse because of it. If it's your spouse's parent, then let your spouse deal with her.
2007-11-02 11:26:08 · answer #8 · answered by colder_in_minnesota 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋