How can I stop being resentful to being a caregiver to my grandbaby?

Question

My daughter is having a new baby next summer and I am to take care of this little bundle of joy but I am not joyful at all. I will be the caregiver without question because I do not work out of the house, but I want to finish my education that I have waited 20+ years to do and now have the chance. But that is all put off for at least 4 years. Am I wrong to resent this responsibility? How can I stop feeling so put upon?

I really want to thank all of you for your excellent answers. Seems like everyone is on the same page. Think I might hire a nanny to come to my house so I can supervise but not be totally responsible so I can have time to study, etc. Being a grandmother already has taught me to set my boundaries before it is born. The last one I basically raised. My kid is a grown up married lady now so I can set my limits. Just need a person they trust and financial help. Kids are expensive. Again thanks for your super help!

Answer 1

If you've put off your studies for 4 years because of the new baby, you are being very self-sacrificing. Since you love your daughter, you'll find you will adore her sprog when it arrives - this feeling of resentment is temporary. Babies always bring joy. Think of it as a learning phase for your personal development - you are making a sacrifice but it's worth it. The opposite would make you a really unpleasant person - someone who only cares for herself and doesn't give a fig for her daughter and grandchild.

Answer 2

It should never be presumed that a grandma who doesn't work outside the home will automatically take care of the grandchildren. You will not be the best care giver nor the best grandma if you take care of the baby with resentment. It really isn't your responsibility to care for the baby. If you have already volunteered than you will need to talk with your daughter about your change of heart. Be honest with yourself and your daughter, tell her that while you are joyful about the baby and it would be a privilege to care for your grandchild once in awhile, you are planning on going back to school and will not be available to be a full-time caregiver. You will all be happier. The only way you can stop feeling put upon is be truthful.

Answer 3

You first need to decide what is best for you.. if you want to finish your education then do it.. if you want to spend the first 4 years with your grandbaby, then you also have that option. Of course, you already know what your options are. But if you are afraid of being resentful then don't do it. Don't do it unless your whole heart is in it. If you decide to do it.. then you have to try your best to not be resentful.
Honestly, as soon as you see that grandbaby born, you will probably forget all about the resentful thing and whole heartedly feel the need to care for your grandbaby.. the feeling of love from a grandmother is priceless. You won't want to be anywhere else!
You can always take some evening or online courses..

Answer 4

I seriously suggest that if you feel resentful (which is completely understandable) that you do NOT, under any circumstances, agree to take care of your grandbaby full time. Your period of raising kids is over, and you will never be able to have a normal relationship with your grandchild if you feel put-upon to care for him. Grandkids are supposed to be a ton of fun!!! Not a responsibly that takes away from your quality of life. One of the reasons grandparents are able to be so loving and understanding with their grandbabies is because they don't have to worry about all the mundane things like they did when they were raising their children. You get to enjoy their little personalities without worrying about how they’re gonna turn out in the long run. Not so when you are one of the primary care providers.

I was 17 when I got pregnant and 18 when I had my daughter. I lived with my mother because SHE wanted me to. And I never expected her to care for my child. And she didn't. Ambrosia was MY baby... Nana just got to have fun and spoil her occasionally. In fact, my mother would BEG me to let her keep her and such because she felt like she wasn't involved enough, lol.

The point is, just because your daughter is having a baby-- doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for it. No matter how old she is. She is obviously old enough to have a baby, and so she should obviously be responsible enough to arrange a daycare situation for her child without relying on her mother. I solved the problem by working at a daycare (I had already graduated at 17 by the time I found out I was pregnant.) If your daughter isn't old enough to work, then she needs to look into public resources for help. Most high schools have some sort of program that will provide for girls with small children.

I don't fully know your situation... but from what you say I think it is a terrible idea to take on the responsibility of your grandchild. It is not something that you HAVE to do... and really I think it's something you SHOULDN'T do.

Good-luck!

Answer 5

Don't do it.

It is not wrong feel the way you do. It is also NOT YOUR responsibility. If you volunteered, then that's another thing... but it is the parents responsibility to care for their child. Sometimes that means finding a different child care provider, but does not automatically mean family.

If you have other plans, then follow them. If you want to babysit your grandbaby, then do that. You are not obligated to do it. Just because you do not currently have a paying outside job, you do have a life, and pursuing your education after putting it on hold to raise YOUR children is a wonderfully great reason to let your daughter find alternate care.

how to feel so put upon... do what you feel is right for you.

Answer 6

No, you're not wrong to resent it, and I think you should re-think doing it at all.

I would never use my own mother like that. I have a ten-week-old, and the couple of times I've left her with my parents for an hour, I've done so for my parents' enjoyment and so my daughter can get some cuddling from her grandparents, not so I can get free babysitting.

Last time we did this, we came back from the supermarket to find my mother absolutely covered in spit-up, and looking pretty happy. I really doubt she would be such a happy grandmother if she was being put upon for free day care rather than indulged in occasional cuddling. I think it would negatively affect our relationship and the relationship between my daughter and her grandparents if she was, well, put upon.

Maybe you _should_ feel put upon, and maybe you need to speak up.

Answer 7

You most definitely need to talk to your daughter about this. These children are not your responsibility. You have already raised you child/children. I know it is easier said than done, but if at all possible you daughter needs to be the one to make the sacrifices and stay home for a while. If anything you can compromise and keep the kids a couple days a week and start school on MWF or something. Please do not feel guilty in doing this. You deserve to go for it. Just be honest with your daughter. You should be able to enjoy your grandchildren! Grandparenthood is supposed to be one of the most blessed times in your life. It will not be if you continue on this path. GL

Answer 8

Did you agree to being the caregiver or did your daughter just assume that you would do it? If you haven't agreed to anything then you need to have a talk with her. Maybe suggest that you will be available to her only on certain days/hours. If it's not too much for you, you can take care of your grand baby on your "off" days. If you foresee this being a problem also then you really need to talk to her and explain that it's just not a possibility. While it's perfectly ok that you not be able to take care of your grand baby on a regular basis, this is your grand baby after all not your baby, please try and be understanding with your daughter. Childcare is expensive and she may want to rely on you because she trusts you with the most important thing in her life.

Answer 9

I have to ask you one question: Would you set sail on a ship that you knew was faulty and had serious mechanical problems? I believe your answer would be "NO". So then tell me why you are considering starting a life with someone that has obvious life-long flaws? These 'warnings' you've been getting are like the warning lights on your car-there's a problem. The answer to your question is No, he won't change. The common misconception people have is that indviduals have the power to change. That's not always the case. Sometimes people don't know why they are the way that they are, therefore it makes it impossible to change. Even when we understand why we have issues, we don't necessarily know how to alter our behavior. He has some years of therapy ahead of him and I think you should spare yourself the trouble. Tell yourself you deserve better, believe it, and set out to find better for yourself and your future children.

Answer 10

don't do it. Seriously. You've raised children already. You don't have an obligation to take care of your grandbaby unless you made some sort of agreement with your daughter before she got pregnant. If you're feeling horribly guilty, maybe offer to help pay for childcare, help her look for good childcare.. offer to take care of the baby so she can go out occassionally. If you're already resentful, it will just drive a wedge between your daughter and you. Go to school.

Answer 11

I think you need to talk to your daughter about your feelings. Maybe you could arrange for someone else to watch the baby a couple of days a week so that you can attend school or whatever is necessary for your education and happiness.

Explain to your daughter that you have been waiting for a long time to do this for yourself, and you don't want to wait any longer. She will understand if you explain it gently, without sounding like you blame her or the baby.

My mom watches my son 3 nights a week while I attend school, and it has been very hard on her. I know (without her saying so) that she doesn't want to do it any longer. So I spoke with my boss and arranged to take morning classes next semester and work part-time so that my mom no longer has to watch him.

Good luck!