To what degree should you accept a person for who they are?

Question

My mother inlaw is always telling me that I am going to have to learn to let things go in order to have peace of mind. She also tells me that I have to realize that men are different. We don’t go into great detail about my relationship, but I have shared certain details with her in hopes of understanding why my husband is the way he is. I was telling her how he has no understanding and how he is never interested in taking care of business (when it comes to discussing bills and issues that have come up). I also mentioned the fact that he will wear his work boots and shoes until they’re coming apart, and that I have to go out and buy them because he refuses to. She basically said well if you want him to have new clothes and shoes, go buy it. That’s what I do for his dad. You can’t make him do it.

But why do so many women always make excuses for men who won’t step up to the plate and take care of their responsibilities at home? Just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he should be exempt from washing dishes or doing certain things around the house. Just because he’s a man and men don’t like details that doesn’t mean I should have to handle everything myself. It disgusts me because if I can work full-time and take care of everything, then so can he. It seems to me as if he feels his job is the only thing he has to worry about.

Where should you draw the line on this topic?

Answer 1

Only you can decide when enough becomes enough, although short of a divoce, there really isnt too much you can do about it. Basically, you have already agreed to accept this guy as he was/is when you agreed to marry him, but now it seemsyou are really finding out about the man you married which usually happens in about 99% of all marriages which is why the statement arises about "hes not the man I married" or such. You can complain about it to him but doubt if it will do anygood like most men. They just get set in their ways and no woman can change them. Good luck

Answer 2

I don't think there's an objective "line" that is drawn in the same place for everyone. You decide for yourself what your deal-breakers are, and what you can accept or tolerate. The TIME of drawing your lines is more important; while you're dating, you can draw and re-draw your lines, testing your own boundaries as well as the other person's. By the time you decide to make a more serious commitment, the lines should be pretty well worked out between the two of you. If you have always done dishes, and he has always fixed the toilet, it would be unfair for either one of you to turn around and all of a sudden demand for the other person to change. If he wanted a woman who knew how to fix the plumbing, he should have been looking for such a woman all along. If you wanted a man who was interested in discussing issues and taking care of the bills, then you should have evaluated the potential mates for these particular qualities beforehand. There's nothing wrong with expecting respect and compromise, but you have to be more or less consistent in your demands and expectations, setting guidelines in the beginning of the relationship. If your partner consistently ignored the guidelines you have set, perhaps it would be a good idea to re-evaluate the relationship; it would appear that he was not a compatible companion for you. I agree with your MIL (as biased as she may be) that there's a lot you might have to accept and tolerate in a marriage - but exactly how far you're willing to go is entirely up to you. I'm of the opinion that it's best not to dwell on the negative qualities, but instead take full advantage of the positives. Example: my husband is really bad at remembering social engagements, so I fill the role of the "cruise director", and have to keep track of things and remind him of it. However, I fully appreciate that him purging his brain of the everyday minutia allows him to focus on what he does best - his work; which is what pays our bills, buys us a house, our cars, our vacations, a motor home, the iPhones, you name it. Wouldn't it suck if both of us were good at remembering the doctor appointments, but bad at making a buck? Right now, we work as a team, and each one of us does something that makes the other's life easier.

Answer 3

I agree with you completely. I don't think its COMPLETELY hopeless. Also I don't think its wise to discuss relationship probs with his Mom. She's most likely going to see her son's point of view over yours.

I know this sounds drastic, but this is what I have had to resort to in the past. I would go on strike!

Yes, do NOTHING!

I know this can be hard, VERY hard. but sometimes that's what it takes. My husband didn't really notice all the work I put into cooking dinner, until I stopped, he didn't notice how clean the kitchen was, until I stopped.

I was gone for a weekend with friends, I came back and it was like a tornado had gone through my house.

Even better, when the place was a mess, I would invite his family over. This REALLY embarrassed him. lol. He now mostly (not always) cleans up after himself.

He will learn, its never too late to teach an old dog new tricks. Especially if u have kids in the equation, doesn't he want to set a good example?

Marriage is a partnership, working together towards a common goal. Its not a partnership if one partner is making all of the effort.

Answer 4

Now I'm not married yet, but when I was a teenager my mother told me a story about her and my father when she first got married. Ironically, she said that she would confide in my grandparents about how my dad would make her mad or do things she didn't like. In the end, the only thing that ended up happening is her getting even more mad about it, because she was looking for support on her opinion.

She then told me that after a while, she stopped telling her what was going on in her marriage and handled things internally within her own house. Things eventually worked itself out, my grandmother would ask my mom how are things going and my mother would say " fine! " ( Hint, Hint )

The reason why he does what he does is because of what you already said in your explaination. His mother did that for his father, it's up to you if you want to break that trend, or come to some sort of agreement on which half of the household responsibilities each of you will handle on an alternating basis.

My advice to you is to not yell or nag him about it, just simply pull him aside when he has some free time and discuss it with him in a manner that he'll want to listen.

Hope this helped. Good luck!

Answer 5

His mommy took care of his daddy that way, so in your husband's mind, that's the way it's "supposed" to be. My husband has some odd quirks (different from your husband's) and it's just that he's a product of his environment. I agree that it's frustrating to be able to juggle all of these things yet your husband either doesn't know how or doesn't want to. I think you need to "accept" his quirks on a case by case basis. Since marriage is a compromise, you'll have to decide what you can handle and what you can't. It sucks, I know. Hang in there.

Answer 6

His mother is a butt hat and raised him wrong. He'll continue to make those same excuses to you unless he's an intelligent man. Choose more wisely with your next husband, hahaha.

I certainly don't say, "well he's a man he can do that." or any other degrading crap. Men are not that different from women.

Answer 7

I think that he should pull his own weight around the house. It is unfair for you to have to carry the burden all by yourself. God knows it's way to stressful! His mother was definatley the wrong person to talk to, but explain to your husband how stressed out and tired you are and he should make some attempt to clean up his act.

Answer 8

well you picked the wrong person to talk to about him. She raised him to be that way and to expect these things from you. You need to tell him what you expect from him in terms of household chores and bills. You should also let him worry about his own work boots...

Answer 9

Hunny, he's a mommas boy, she did everything for them and he thinks it should continue, counseling might help, but sometimes, them type of boys (men) are hard to retrain..

Answer 10

Stop! Stop! Stop! I read your questions everyday and I really feel for you. The only person being hurt in your life right now is you. Relax for a minute will you? Please. For your own good.