Should I visit my family despite of lots of inconveniences this would cause?

Question

They want me to visit. I go to college in the city and live on-campus and I have my parents and married sister in far suburbs. I have used to visit them every 2- 3 weeks on weekends but its little bit hassle, because once I step out to train station in suburbs there is no way to get home without calling my sister or father to drive me. They are sometimes busy and I have to adjust to their schedule. Besides last time when I visited them during family weekend, I did not feel too much comfortable, mainly because my mother use to attack me for errors. For ex, when I walked out church few minutes before end of mass. And when she calls me she always asks me only abt material things, nothing like have I made new friends, do I have fun. And she points that I chose wrong major, despite the fact that I like it and doing good at it, though I would do better if I had better courses in high school. Last time when I went, I hope to get relaxed, get some rest, but actually I got more stressed.

should I go. I am not too much into visit them, because of those hassles. And besides in 3 weeks quarter is ove and have 1 month brake. I would rather stay on this weekend with friends. Especially since I live in dorms and never had too much time to spend time with them because of study and going suburbs on weekends.

Also when I come, they want to me give some money to help me with expenses, but I do not like to take money and I think it may even look me bad.Currently I have work study once a week and I am looking for seasonal job for winter break.

Answer 1

I know what you mean. Explain to your parents you have a lot going on during the end of the quarter, but that you're looking forward to your vacation. Don't wait for them to ask you how your classes/activities are going - offer this info in glowing terms, so they can see how much you like it. They may give you a hard time, and you need to put your foot down (gently but firmly). This is part of growing up. As for taking money, my parents do it too, and I think that it's part of being a parent. They like to think they're still taking care of you. You can tell them "No, that's okay, I'm doing alright." If they insist, take the money. Insisting further will hurt their feelings. While you're home, make sure you spend quality time with every family member, and make the time count. Then, perhaps they won't feel bad when you don't come as often.

Answer 2

If you dont want to go home, dont. You are now an adult in college. However, as an adult you need to address your feelings with your parents. How can things get better if you dont let them know what is bothering you? If you parents offer you money unless it comes with strings attached, it is probably just a gift. You need to sit down with your family and actually communicate. Once things are out in the open, you may be pleasantly surprised how much better it is. You really dont have anything to lose. If it doesnt work out, you just wont come home very often.

Answer 3

Yes, you should visit your family. All people have limitations, you are presently discovering what your families are, and it will go easier for you if you accept them along with the limitations. You do not have to believe everything they say, or believe lies told about you to yourself.

Just two questions - why do the trains only go one way?
Why not just make it to mass on time?

It doesn't really sound like the healthiest or most fun environment, but it is still important to maintain family ties. It would be fine, I think, if you visited them monthly.

It is also time to set up some boundaries. It is okay to tell your parents, "Look, I really want to visit you, and enjoy this time together. But some of the things you say make visiting stressful for me. When I'm here, I'd rather not discuss X, Y and Z" (you decide the list). Be polite, but firm. when she comes back at you for your decision, just say "Mom, I thought we agreed not to go there".

Good luck!

Oh yeah, one more thing. My Dad used to give me money all the time. Money is really important to him, and sometimes he uses it to have some kind of perceived power over people. He always uses it to express his love. when he is mad at you, no money for your birthday or Christmas.
It used to make me mad, but then I started to see my dad in a different light, and I saw that money was so important to him that when I rejected his money, it was like I was rejecting him. I was refusing his 'love'. So now, I allow him to love me in the way that is important to him, and in the way he knows how. It has helped me understand him and not feel so much like he just doesn't care about me.

Answer 4

Maybe you should call and ask them how they are doing and if they would like to see you.