Do you like this other poem?

Question

*****
Sentry

With eye’s unyet accustomed
I walk into the darkness
Me and my moon
We watch the paths
And keep the lanterns lit
So, along the way, the shades of gray
Won’t lash out at you
Thrash about with you

With leg’s unyet weary
We step onto the stones
Me and my tomtom
We are the back-beat tempo
That makes the toe tapping, slightly
An odd rolling rhythm in the trees that sway
Bring no harm to you
Call alarm to you

With a heart unyet broken
A story waits to unfold
Me and the poets
Send out songs to you
Words littered in uneven piles, stacking
Meanings with substance on purposeless flights
Beg tokens from you
Masquerade for you

*****

I couldn't find it either. I was almost sure it was Olde...but, my memory is getting olde with the rest of me...

Of all the things I've learned here, the most true is "Nothing rhymes with Todd."

Who dat? Toolie!?!

Correct. I compose these on Word then post them raw and unedited. We then take them apart.

You're right on most of your observations. Most of them are easily excused as typos. Some ask deeper questions.

"Moon" and "Tom Tom" are two of my contacts. They got honorable mention today because of things they did yesterday.

I'm the true faker among the Y!A Poetry Experts. I've never taken a college-level English class. I'm a technician and amateur historian. My scholarly pursuits have all been private.

I'm one of those weirdoes who believes "art for sale" is immoral.

That said, my last three jobs have been disasters. I started writing for pay in 2003. I've published all sorts of things, except poetry.

Answer 1

Cleverly written, with an interesting cadence. That's the good part of what could be a terrific poem.

Usage and grammatical errors. Not good. These would keep this poem from ever being accepted for publication. Please consider minor alterations:

'eyes' and 'legs' - write as is, not as possessive.
'I and the moon' or 'the moon and I' - not 'me'
The same with 'tom-tom' and 'poets'
'unyet' has already been pointed out as a non-existent word.
Rethink this one especially. It's distracting. Your reader shouldn't have to hunt up a dictionary in order to read your poem. You're not trying to impress; you're trying to communicate.

Do you believe this poem is finished? It would be great to have a punchline. One line that stands alone at the end. A summary with a wallop. Failing that, why not transpose the last two lines?

Do you really need those caps at the beginning of every line? They aren't necessary in modern poetry, especially since you're not using conventional punctuation throughout the rest of the poem.

Too much criticism, I know. But I believe you have what it takes to appear in print.

Best!

Answer 2

Yes. Some people read poetry and look too deeply into it and miss the story within.
It's interesting and has a good pace that keeps going even if it slow. But this poem needs to be slow. Reading and understanding poetry is an art.
It was as if I could actually picture in my mind what you were talking about. I could feel and see movement within the poem.
You have talent and should if you haven't, either get a literary agent or try to publish some of these.

Answer 3

Don't think I haven't looked for words that rhyme with Todd:

I've found these useful rhymes: odd, cod (for fish themes) and ambivalent. All three words tend to convey the crisp rhyming tone I look for when I write about myself.

To your poem:

TD, I love your inline rhyme especially in your first stanza. One thing that is always nice about your poetry, and I've said it from the start, is how good it sounds read out loud.

I like:

Won’t lash out at you
Thrash about with you

I love the sense of movement here:

An odd rolling rhythm in the trees that sway

Your last two lines in each stanza produce a really pleasing cadence.

Best,

Todd / ambivalence (see rhyme isn't that tough)

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not always have got to rhyme nevertheless it demands to hit my feelings. I suppose readability of expression is predominant as good. I do not love to moment bet what I'm studying approximately. I consistently seem for what I time period "poetic gemstones"within the textual content.

Answer 5

I like this one. "Unyet" may not technically be a word, but I think poets are allowed to prefix and suffix anything we want if the meaning works out. In this case, "unyet" is enough of a theme for the poem - and a terrific concept for the sentry - that it needs its own word, enough so that "not yet" would not quite suffice.

Apart from that, I really enjoy "stacking/ Meanings with substance on purposeless flights." Terrific combination of image and idea there. If you are in fact (going?) insane, it suits you well...

Answer 6

yes and no...yes because your rythm is good and no because i dont feel anything from this piece it was like you were writing to write...it seems as if you wasnt writing from experience or emotions i mean a lot of ppl can write with out any feeling or experience but i think if you want to write that way you have to sell it to your reader that you did experience it or feel it when you did illustrate an illusion...but keep trying and keep up the good work...♥

Answer 7

There are a few things that rhyme with Todd. How about....

Mod (short for modern)
Bod (nick name for body)
Cod
God
Nod
Pod
Rod
Sod (dirt)

TD, I tease you about some things, but I always like your poems, this is one of them. Well, I have always liked your poems, SO FAR! LOL

Answer 8

Yes, I do like its slow and well thought rhythm. I did not know the word "unyet". I understand its meaning, and I have looked it up and can't find it in my Bible (the OED...). Is it one of your words or can it be used by all?

Answer 9

No, cause there no feeling its like your trying to be somebody that your not, your trying to hard even its not for you.

Answer 10

nope