When to tell your kids you are dating...during a divorce?

Question

I am three months into a divorce from my wife of 20 years. I have an 11 yr old girl and a 4 yr old boy.

How long should I wait before telling my children that I am reentering the dating scene? I initiated the divorce and my children know that...and I am no longer in the house, but see my kids a couple of times every week, and all weekend every other weekend, until I have more permanent living arrangements.

Obviously I am not planning on introducing every woman I date to my kids, but I do want them to know I am seeing other women...especially so that we don't accidentally run into each other and surprise them.

I am not 'leaving her to raise my children', I am still very active in their lives and would be more so if their mother would not fight me tooth and nail for primary physical custody (I am trying to establish a joint physical custody arrangement, bu am being fought at every step.)

My children mean the world to me and just because I am divorcing their mother does not mean that I am not their father and I will fight for my rights to fulfill that role.

As far as waiting until the divorce is final..that in theory could be 18-36 months down the road du to our businesses and the valuation process.

Answer 1

I don't think you need to tell them until you do find someone you are serious about. My boyfriend and I did not tell our respective children that we were more than friends until we knew we were very serious. As far as running into them while out on the town, unless you live in a small town that sounds unlikely and even if you do run into your kids, you can introduce the woman as a friend. Your children do not need to know every aspect of your life. Nor are they fully entitled to, it's grown-up business. Too much credence is given to children in that matter in recent years, as if you should have to explain your every action to your children. You don't. Be fair, but be the adult and deal with this situation accordingly.

Answer 2

I have been through a similar situation but my kids were younger so it made it alot easier. It is very important that you Communicate with your children because no matter what the age they know alot more than you give them credit. Children speak a whole different language so you have to be gentle but answear all question. My daughter was 3 almost four and when she would ask where her dad was I would say, honey he's at home and you will be going to see him this weekend. She was very adamant sometimes but i was always honest. In order to keep their trust you need to be honest. Most importantly i don't know if your dating again but that is the hard part you. Be very careful of the type of people that you introduce in your kids life. You don't want them to keep going through the same things over and over, so be as sure as possible about your future with the person before you introduce them to your babies. Well good luck to you don't worry it will all work it's self out.

Answer 3

Jeez, people. He didn't say he was dating YET. He's just asking when a good time to have this talk with his children is because single men (which is what he will be soon) ARE allowed to date.

I think I would wait until the divorce was final and you did have more permanent living arrangements. Right now the children are already dealing with a lot of changes. In my opinion, and for their sakes, I would wait until the divorce dust settled and I had gotten settled. You will know when your children have adjusted more to the new arrangements. It is hard to gauge in months, as everyone accepts change differently. Just talk to the kids and feel them out, so to speak.

Answer 4

Personally I think you need to finalize the divorce before dating. What kind of picture would this make if your dating when your technically still married to there mother. I think you must take your time and just give the kids sometime to get over the whole divorce of you and there mother. Dqating right now would be traumatic for your kids especially the boy he is young and very susceptible to getting attached or hurt.
Your daughter will become very rebellious and generally be pissed off at you. Come on married 20yrs and cant even wait until divorce is final to start dating.

I'm sorry but you sound like a selfish jerk no wonder divorce is happening.

Answer 5

Wow. Not even divorced yet and considering dating. Divorce is a very delicate subject. This is one of the biggest events that will happen in your life. It upsets the balance of everyone involved. Right now you should be concentrating on the needs of your children, not the needs of yourself. It's going to take some time for them to really comprehend that fact that mom and dad aren't going to ever be together again. They will go through all kinds of emotions that will need to be met and they don't need the turmoil bumped up a few notches if you start dating so soon. Everyone needs time to heal and regain their balance...at least a year...possibly more. Your children should be the most important thing to you now. Strengthen your bond with them for the time. They will need all the love and reassurance you can give them. Let them know that you will always be there when they need you. Your needs can wait, theirs can't. It's part of being a parent. A commitment you made when you had them and one that shouldn't be broken for your own selfish...yes...selfish wants. Continue being the great daddy that you are and give everyone time to adjust to their new lives.

Answer 6

General rule of thumb, at least from what I gathered during my divorce, was that you're supposed to wait a year after the divorce is FINALIZED before you even start dating again. That gives the kids time to get over the shock of having their world turned upside down without throwing a complete stranger into the whole confusion. I know, no one really waits a year, but still...Either keep things quiet and subtle or wait a little longer.

Answer 7

I would wait until the divorce is final to introduce them anyone, and definitely wait until you KNOW that the relationship is serious to tell them about her.
You can casually mention her as your friend or something that way if you run into each other you can say "Hey, this is my friend so and so that I was telling you about"
If the new girl is uncomfortable with you calling her a "friend" rather than girlfriend just explain to her that it is only temporary until the divorce is over. Tell her that you don't want to cause any more drama than necessary.

Answer 8

How inappropriate, to date before you're even divorced, especially with children in the mix. If I were you I wouldn't tell them at ALL that you're "seeing other women".....that's going to set a bad example for both of them. Concentrate on your kids during this time. They are not as "okay" with the divorce as you are.

Answer 9

It's going to be hard my mom has been divorced for years and my father is remarried and i still dont feel comfortable with my mother dating...I hate it actually, one tip i have for you is to make sure you do not put any woman ahead of your kids, you may think your not but the smallest things will be noticed, if you have plans with your kids do not cancel them for her, no matter what, if there is something you do not do for your kids under any circumstance, dont do it for her, she may seem special but you will never be right for choosing her over your kids, remember that is all i have to say....And make sure your kids have just as much (if not more) attention as she recieves, because there will be a jealous factor going around....

Answer 10

I think men who leave their wives of 20 years with two kids to raise are jerks. You are in a mid-life crisis and having sex with other women to make yourself feel studly again. Meantime, your wife is home raising the kids and acting like the grown up that she is. If you have any respect for the 20 years of marriage you threw away, and care anything at all for those children, you will NOT introduce them to any women you are dating until you decide to marry again. If you run into your kids and surprise them, you act dignified and introduce the woman as a "friend" or "work associate". Period. Try not to let that happen, by the way. You are currently still a MARRIED MAN and you are dating! Geez. You are such a stupid man. Your children are going to learn how immature and selfish a man can be by watching you.