Need opinions..serious answers only please?

Question

I am married and have 3 children. My husband has a very serious substance abuse problem and it is affecting our marriage and the lives of our children. Even though I have been with him for 14 years, it has always been a problem, which now is MUCH worse. I tried getting him help and he refused. He told me that "I can't control him or what he does and he is going to continue to get high regardless of what I say". I am not trying to control him at all, I am trying to help him for the sake of our marriage and our children. He is not the same person when he is getting high, he mistreats me and the children. When I gave him an ultimatum and told him its over if he continues, he said "oh well then, I guess it will be over", is this because he wants out of the marriage or is it the drug addiction talking?? Please help.......

Answer 1

been there, done that. You can't help him. He has to hit bottom to help himself. My ex was the same way, and I took our son and left. It was the bottom that he needed to hit when he lost his family. I'm not saying do that, I'm just saying that it worked for me. He went into treatment and 16 years later is still clean and sober.

I learned in the process though, to go to Al-Anon, and it helped me to learn that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. I can only learn how to take care of myself and know that whatever happens, my son and I would be ok.

Please exhaust all options before you leave him for good. I sure hope for you and your children that it works out. Email me if you need to talk, ok?

Answer 2

He is making his choice of the drugs over you. Also, don't give an ultimatum if you aren't prepared to follow through with it. If you don't follow through then that just reinforces his belief that you will not leave no matter what you say and he can continue getting high. No matter how much it hurts you and the children you need to get away. You will be better off in the long run, and maybe you leaving will be the spark to show him to clean up his act. If he doesn't then you got out at the right time. Good luck.

Answer 3

It probably is a little of both..the drug addiction and the lack of respect for the marriage. When you have been with someone that long it is hard to walk away, but if you want to help him that is what you need to do. As long as you stick around he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Giving him ultimatums to someone with an addiction is nothing more than a threat. Take the children and go as soon as you can. Fact is he may or may not hit his rock bottome and see what he has lost, but the kids will know that certain behavior is not tolerated and that there are concequences for a persons behavior. You may love your husband, but right now you need to love yourself and your kids more. He can only get help when HE is ready for it. Good luck

Answer 4

CHANCES are that it is the addiction talking. However, it doesn't matter at this point. 14 years is quite some time to be dealing with this sort of thing, especially with kids involved. Keep in mind thought that it is never too late! I think the ultimatum was good, but we all know that it won't be taken serious to the addict. Telling him this will do nothing, showing him and actually doing it will show seriousness, even if it is only temporarily. Keep in mind that attics lose that sense of reality, so he may not care to lose all, as long as he has his high. So leaving, may or may not effect him, may effect right away or may take longer or not at all. At this point, all you can do is develop a realistic goal for you and the kids to be ok during this separation, if it does come to that. As his wife, and knowing what its worth when he ain't high or wanting to get high, let him know that you are all there for him, but only can't subject yourself to that environment or lifestyle. Either way, its not healthy for you or the kids to be around all that. If you can't find the strength for yourself, then for the sake of the kids....make a plan and follow thru with it, in making things right for at least the kids. After 14 years of you allowing and accepting his behavior, it may be real challenging to conquer this, though possible. At this point he needs to want to help himself, so not much more that you can probably do. You can suggest rehab, counseling and all that, but if he don't want the help or want to change, then it will be useless. All you can do is focus on the kids, rather than him, they need you more than he does. I pray you stick to your ultimatum for the kids sake and not only as a bluff in hopes of his recovery. Again, keep in mind, as hard and hurtful as it may be, just know that it is for the best and may only be temporary, but if longer or permanent, then at least you found your way out of that negative cycle! Good Luck and God Bless!! (Also, look up the Serenity Prayer in the Bible, you may need that, too.!)

Answer 5

Seeing as though he says "I guess it will be over" while high is not a good indication of your marriage surviving. If he refuses to get off the drugs then he will always have that attitude. You are putting yourself and your children at a disadvantage by continuing on with this marriage. If you and the kids are not enough for him to stop with the drugs then what is? It's time for you to prioritize the needs of you and the kids. You need to put yourself and your kids first and do what's best. Even if it means divorce. I'm sorry.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help him with this addiction. He has to realize that he has a problem and want to get help before he can be helped. Getting you and your kids out of this situation is the best thing that you can do for yourself, the kids, and him right now. Sometimes it takes someone losing everything to realize that they have a problem. If you do leave and it has no affect on him then he didn't deserve what he had anyway. It's a very tough situation and I know how hard it is but I wish you the best of luck and remember to always put your kids best interest first. Wish you the best!!!

Answer 7

Why stck around by doing this your basically showing your kids that drugs have no consequences. I think you have to follow through on your ultimatum. Even if it is the drugs talking it is time to take you and your kids away from this
way of life. Maybe if he is given divorce papers and has to pay alimony he will realize that drugs have screwed up his life and he has destroyed any chance with his children and well having a court ruled child support payment will dip into his habit.

I do not like the whole theory of divorce I believe you marry for life. I do believe in some circumstances there is only one choice that can be made and in yours divorce seems to be the only one or consider a trial seperation maybe that will wake him up.

Answer 8

As a person who has been affected by a similar situation I can tell you that he probably does love and care for you and your children deeply but the drug addiction will win everytime.
Addiction affects the brain and the person who is addicted no longer sees things, life the way normal people would.
If he refuses to get help there is nothing you can do for him. All you can do is stick with your threat, leave and hope that he will see what his addiction has caused and receive help on his own.
Good Luck!

Answer 9

It is probably the drug addiction talking but that does not make it okay to stay in the marriage. In my opinion you should not have been with him in the first place if he has this problem because chances are he never planned on quitting. I do not condone divorce but when your kids are in danger then there may be no other choice. My suggestion is try a separation first and see if he responds. You may not have to get a divorce if the separation impacts him enough.

Answer 10

I know you have a long history with this man, but read your own post...he does not care, and won't change his ways. Do you think this is healthy for you or your children? Where do you see this situation going if you let it continue?

Be strong for both you and your children. At the very least get away and take a break. If there are no immidiate changes, then take further steps to move on. Likely he will not change until he hits bottom, and believe it or not, he has not getten there yet.

Again, be strong.

Answer 11

He says "oh well then, I guess it will be over" because he feels rejected by you saying that, and is rejecting you back. Don't say things like that unless you really mean it, otherwise it's just an empty threat and doesn't make him want to change at all.

Has he even tried rehab? First you should get him into rehab, and if he refuses, then it's time to back up your threats and take the kids to a friend or parent's for a while and see if he tries. If he doesn't try to change, then it's time to move on.