should i agree to go with my husband to his dad to talk about our problems?

Question

my husband & i need some help... we aren't communicating well & things are spiralling out of control.

i want to go to a counsellor, but he refuses to go to "a stranger that doesn't care because they'll get paid either way, with money we don't have".... he was forced to do counselling as a kid & apparently didn't get anything out of it. i had counselling in college & got some tremendous help, myself.

so he suggested we talk to his dad. which makes me a bit uncomfy (i'd rather talk to a complete [&neutral] stranger that i don't have to see in any other circumstance, ya know?). I'm sure his dad won't totally take his side or anything like that... he's a cool guy & he likes me a lot. it's just the embarassment issue.... (and it kinda annoys me that he gets mad if i talk to my bff about our problems, but he talks to his dad about them & wants us both to.)

SO, should i suck it up, & grab this opportunity to do *something* that might help? do you think it *would* help??

Answer 1

Wow, are you sure you aren't talking about MY husband? LOL!
I can't tell my best friend anything w/o him getting mad.

I TOTALLY agree that it should be someone neutral, not his dad, especially for the embarrassment reason. TMI for his dad & that's not the relationship you want with him for the rest of your life.

***Edit... keep working on him w/ the counseling issue. My hubby refused at first too (same reasons your husband is giving) but he finally came around. Make sure he understands that some counselors can help and others may not be able to. It may take 3 or 4 different ones before you find the right one who can "really" help.

Answer 2

I think it would not hurt to try this with his father acting as counselor. It can be hard for the other person to feel like you are doing your best to cooperate if you won't at least try their suggestion. I know you wanted a counselor and it seems odd that he won't at least try that - but it sounds like he is making a counter-proposal by offering to talk things out with his dad there. If his dad seems to be cool, it should be worth a try at least. If it does get too uncomfortable, you could always stop and let your husband know, in front of the father, that this is getting too wierd and it was why you preferred a non-related counselor - the father may well back you up on that! If you are just not communicating, the father may have some words of wisdom for you both and if that is the only voice your husband wants to listen to right now, it is better than nothing. I think it is worth a try and you will have negotiated sucessfully for at least some level of counselling, which is what you were after.

Answer 3

Hmmmm I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, parents (his and yours) can be an excellent resource when it comes to marriage. Our parents have been married longer than us and have experience and knowledge that can be of great help. On the other hand, how much do we let our parents into our private relationships. Would everyone be totally comfortable discussing all issues, not only you and your husband but his father as well. I guess depending on his father, and it sounds like you are close and comfortable with him, it might be of help. Apparently your husband trusts his fathers advice and has already talked to him about the issues. I would put some kind of limit on the entire situation. Set some ground rules about what you feel comfortable talking about and where you draw the line. Also, get your husband to agree to an outside counselor if it doesn't seem to be helping or you're just not comfortable. Good luck :)

Answer 4

I, too, would find it very uncomfortable to talk to an in-law about marital problems. Not that they might be neutral, but somehow I just think they would always have personal bias. Someone outside the family that doesn't know either of you is a better choice. As far as the cost of a counselor, if you really can't afford one, there are many places that charge on a sliding scale according to your income...some as low as $10 an hour. You might want to check into places like this. Just because your husband had a bad experience with counseling when he was young, doesn't mean all therapy is bad...just like with any other service. Talk with him again & see if he would be willing to check into counseling on a sliding scale fee basis. Good luck to you!!!

Answer 5

You would show good faith by trying. If it were me, I'd do it. Openmindedly, too. Talk to your husband and come to this agreement if possible. Tell him that you have an open mind about seeing his dad as a mediator for your problems (his dad may be able to give you better insight on his son, too) but if things don't improve in the way you're both seeking here, it would be nice for him to go to counseling with you. Let him know that he doesn't have to agree to stick with the counselor; you two can shop around until you find someone with whom you both feel comfortable. This way by offering to see it his way on this one issue, even though your problems are your own and not his father's (and you don't want him calling daddy every time you two have a disagreement) it shows openheartedness and willingness on your part to try. He should afford you the same, should this talking with his dad not work. He trusts his dad and wants help in the marriage. These are both good signs. I wish you all the best luck.

Answer 6

no way! if you two are going to get anything out of counseling then you need to go to an impartial, unbiased person. Sure his dad might be able to be fair but more than likely that won't be the case. Plus, let's say that something comes up about the family and things that might be bothering you, it might cause tension between you and your father-in-law. There are just too many things that can go wrong when deal with family. They say you should should never do business with family... well you should never get counseling from family!

Answer 7

Unfortunately this is a tricky situation. But I don't think it will help for you both to go seek advise about your marital problem from your father in law. No matter how cool of a guy he is. Blood is thicker than water. I would rather seek the advise of some one who has a more objective view of you and your husband. maybe you should go to counseling alone first. Then see what advise the counselor can give you in gaining more assertiveness.

Answer 8

Is there clergy you could speak to, this would be more of a neutral party than his father. If he is determined to talk to his father, by all means be there, as this concerns you as well, and you may discover some of the problems are based on how he handles things through his father. One thing I have noticed is both of you talk to an outside sources about your problems, this is a matter that should be discussed between both of you first, as someone who is not living the situation will not always have the best insight. Communication between partners is the first step to solving a problem. You are both adults, talk it out with each other before bringing a third party into the matter.

Answer 9

I'm kinda with you on this one.I would rather talk to someone, who can be objective and actually trained in helping people to work through their relationship problems.
I think it is best to seek professional help in this situation. Talking to his dad might help, but it might also make things worse.
I suggest you compromise and book a few meetings with a marriage counselor and go to his dad for a few times as well. Then you both will have the experience of both, and, hopefully, it will be easier to decide which method works best for you.
Good luck!

Answer 10

Counselors are paid, that's true, but they genuinely care about the people they are trying to help. They don't get paid alot and you can tell your hubby that none of them are doing it for the money. I would totally recommend that you try to get him to counselor. OR, how about asking him to try a counselor for a session or two, then if it isn't working out, you all can talk to his dad (but don't rule out the counselor - maybe do both for a while).

I understand where you're coming from on the embarrassment issue, but really, we SHOULD be able to turn to our closest relatives in times of need. So why not give it a shot? (But make sure your hubby is willing to compromise. He doesn't sound like a good compromiser from what you've said.)

Good luck! :)